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thesecret11 · Sep 12, 2012, 08:52 AM

Hello. My ex girl friend of almost 5 years wants to move away to London to find work. She is 23 and feels she is missing out and wants to see if the grass is greener? One of the underlying problems was my lack of ambition to get into suitable employment after much rejection from applications which is natural, but I am currently in the process of creating a better future for myself now we have split as I have more focus on myself.

I do love and care for her and I know she still loves and cares for me. Her sisters live up there with their partners but she will have to make it on her own. I feel she does need to learn to become more independent and experiences some form of loneliness as her parents were always in the wings. We agreed that it is OK to still be friends as we have been the best of friends throughout. They do say that it's best not to be friends as it can make things worse but as she's moving away I don't mind in the meantime. And it actually seems to help me move on when I see her and the dog.

So I suppose I'm asking or we will never know if she will miss 'us' and her comforts and maybe realize she's made a mistake and is trying to run away from her problems. And if this was to happen would I want to give it another go?

Look forward to sensible answers.

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 12, 2012, 08:58 AM

This is why you shouldn't be friends or even be in contact with ex's. You're still in love with her. It's clear because you actually care if she misses you or is ever going to want to get back together with you.

Stop contacting her, move on with your life. Don't waste your time sitting around for something that may never happen again.

thesecret11 · Sep 12, 2012, 09:57 AM

She still cares and loves me and I've just spoke to her and she's has been upset that she's starting to realize what she is prepared to give up... thats why I feel this way.

Wondergirl · Sep 12, 2012, 10:10 AM

She has the best of all worlds -- she can go off to London and to a bright new job and future and she still has you. Nowadays with electronic devices, communication is so easy and inexpensive. I don't see a problem.

I hope you aren't guilting her into not going to London.

thesecret11 · Sep 12, 2012, 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I hope you aren't guilting her into not going to London.

Not at all. I feel she needs to for her own benefit. To be able to stand on her own two feet and experience some form of loneliness.

Wondergirl · Sep 12, 2012, 11:01 AM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

Not at all. I feel she needs to for her own benefit. To be able to stand on her own two feet and experience some form of loneliness.

Or freedom?

thesecret11 · Sep 12, 2012, 11:03 AM

Yea abit both I suppose, She had plenty of that with me.

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 12, 2012, 11:04 AM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

Not at all. I feel she needs to for her own benefit. To be able to stand on her own two feet and experience some form of loneliness.

You're quite the selfish one aren't you? You need to grow up and move on. If she loves you like you say she does then why is she your ex? Why is she not with you anymore. Stop kidding yourself and forget about her.

thesecret11 · Sep 12, 2012, 11:09 AM

QUOTE by C0bra_M3nace;You're quite the selfish one aren't you?

Er? Nothing I have said has suggested I'm selfish.
Cheers then.

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 12, 2012, 11:17 AM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

er? nothing i have said has suggested im selfish.
Cheers then.

Wow, and you're 31 years old?

Originally Posted by thesecret11

Not at all. I feel she needs to for her own benefit. To be able to stand on her own two feet and experience some form of loneliness.

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Or freedom?

Originally Posted by thesecret11

Yea abit both i suppose, She had plenty of that with me.

You're being selfish and self centered. I'm not surprised you don't realize it either with your irrational view on this situation. You want her to go out there to realize she's lonely without you and that she has freedom with you so that she can come running back into your arms. You don't really care that she wants to do something with her life or that she wants to move forward, you just want her back. That's selfish.

thesecret11 · Sep 12, 2012, 11:32 AM

I don't want her back. I want her to try and do something with her life up there. Wherever that's material, emotionally whatever. I love her she loves me but she's got to do what she feels she needs to do, she's scared and yet I'm being supportive about it. Iam far from selfish let me tell you. I don't have to explain myself.
Maybe her moving away will give me natural closure.

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 12, 2012, 11:49 AM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

I dont want her back. I want her to try and do something with her life up there. Wherever thats material, emotionally whatever. I love her she loves me but shes gotta do what she feels she needs to do, shes scared and yet im being supportive about it. Iam far from selfish let me tell ya. I dont have to explain myself.
Maybe her moving away will give me natural closure.

You have made no prior statement regarding not wanting her back or wanting her to do something with her life. You said "maybe realise shes made a mistake and is tring to run away from her problems..and if this was to happen would i want to give it another go"

Saying that is basically like saying, "I still love her and I still want to be with her, hopefully she realizes that she's made a mistake and will come back".

If you don't want her back and you want her to do something with her life then break contact with her. It will make it easier for the both of you to move on and live happily. Instead of living everyday with "what if's".

JudyKayTee · Sep 12, 2012, 03:41 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

Hello. My ex girlfriend of almost 5 years is wanting to move away to london to find work. She is 23 and feels she is missing out and wants to see if the grass is greener? One of the underlying problems was my lack of ambition to get get into suitable employment after much rejection from applications which is natural, but Iam currently in the process of creating a better future for myself now we have split as i have more focus on myself.

I do love and care for her and i know she still loves and cares for me. Her sisters live up there with there partners but she will have to make it on her own. I feel she does need to learn to become more independent and experience some form of loneliness as her parents were always in the wings.We agreed that it is ok to still be friends as we have been the best of friends thoughout. They do say that its best not to be friends as it can make things worse but as shes moving away i dont mind in the meantime? And it actually seems to help me move on when i see her and the dog.

So i suppose im asking or we will never know if she will miss 'us' and her comforts and maybe realise shes made a mistake and is tring to run away from her problems..and if this was to happen would i want to give it another go?

Look forward to sensible answers..

I feel for you - I was looking forward to sensible questions.

thesecret11 · Sep 12, 2012, 03:47 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I feel for you - I was looking forward to sensible questions.

'You can tell what's in a man's soul by the way he treats his dog'

And I loved her dog and still do

JudyKayTee · Sep 12, 2012, 04:02 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

'You can tell what's in a man's soul by the way he treats his dog'

And I loved her dog and still do

You know, I was sympathetic in the beginning.

You are really sounding like someone I wouldn't want in my life.

thesecret11 · Sep 12, 2012, 04:06 PM

I'm not in your life..

JudyKayTee · Sep 12, 2012, 04:40 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

I'm not in your life..

Did I say you were? Aren't you on AMHD because you aren't in anybody's life?

As has been said you are selfish and self centered and I think somewhat delusional.

Alty · Sep 12, 2012, 04:59 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

'You can tell what's in a man's soul by the way he treats his dog'

And I loved her dog and still do

Sounds like you loved the dog more than you loved her.

I agree with Cobra and Judy, you are selfish.

It never stops amazing me that someone comes here asking a question, and when that question is answered honestly, and with intellect, they balk, don't want to hear it.

No one likes to hear the truth if the truth makes them look bad.

You wrote, and we answered based on what you wrote. If you chose your words badly, then give us some insight. Frankly, the way you've responded to Cobra and Judy, I don't think you can dig yourself out with a "English is not my first language. I'm new to this site. I didn't word that correctly", defense. But give it a try, I may just be willing to cut you some slack and give you another chance.

As it stands, I'd say you're self centered, self absorbed, and you need to let this girl go so she can not only live her life, but find someone that's willing to live it with her.

Good luck.

JudyKayTee · Sep 12, 2012, 05:03 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Now now, we may be thinking it, but we would never actually call you names. We're much nicer, and smarter, than that.

Also, no one is arguing with you, despite your years of experience. :)

Did you read the description on the other thread of the new boyfriend? "... Now, what has happened recently is i have seen her mesages to an old friend, whos the same age as me, uglier, unemployed and has a girlfriend."

Uglier than me?

Alty · Sep 12, 2012, 05:28 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Did you read the description on the other thread of the new boyfriend? "... Now, what has happened recently is i have seen her mesages to an old friend, whos the same age as me, uglier, unemployed and has a girlfriend."

Uglier than me?

Ah, jealousy rears its ugly head, yet we're expected to believe that he doesn't want her back.

To the OP. If you wanted answers from people with less brains than a goldfish, you should have gone to your friends. The people on this site are educated, and know what they're talking about.

Your ex has moved on. You're the one that's pining for her. You're the one that maintains a relationship with her, calling it a friendship, in hopes that she'll come back to you.

You are just a friend. Accept it and be a friend, or let her go. I doubt she'll be sorry, she has a new life now. Time for you to get one.