[Lonelywife23]

Okay, I've been married for almost 2 years... My husband and I are very close but he has a porn addiction. He thinks that since he's been watching it and reading it for years that it should be okay now. Our sex life is okay... Not enough for me, but he says that it wears him out too much to do it all the time. But yet he would rather go into the bathroom and rub one out when I'm asleep or while he's "going to the bathroom" as he says. He thinks that I should be okay with this but I'm not. I don't know if I should leave him or if I should stay. Yes I do love him but if I bring up his porn addiction he hits me, not enough to leave bruises or marks but it still hurts. He says that when he's watching or reading these disgusting things that he pictures me in whatever situation there in... I don't know what to do... My feelings are hurt, I feel worthless, overwhelmed, ugly, unwanted, and most of all insecure. When we first got together he told me that he would only watch it if I was away for a trip or something but it seems like it's more important than me :( I really just don't know what to do... I love him and he has myself esteem soooo low that I don't think I could ever be good enough for him, or anyone else. I'm a heavy girl, but that's what he says he likes... He says he loves me and that it has nothing to do with me. Do I believe him and drop the entire thing? Or leave? This is the only thing we fight about. Please help me! I'm in desperate need of advice! Thank you!

[smoothy]

First off... the porn isn't the problem here... there are other deeper issues in the relationship that might have been caused by your obvious hatred of him ever viewing another female.

Nag a guy enough... and he'd rather "go rub one off" than deal you. And keep in mind this would happen long before he gets fed up enough to not come home from work one day.

Do you have a shopping addiction? Where you want to go look at stuff you don't need, and likely won't buy, do you have a hunk addiction where you want to see chick flicks with whatever hunky male actor stars in, do you have an addiction to chick porn otherwise known as romance novels and soap operas?

Guys generally like to view naked chicks... we are wired that way from birth. Except gay guys... they like to see naked guys instead.

And we would still rather have sex with the wife or girlfriend to rubbing one out... however there is a point with the nagging and grief women are known to dish out... that its easier to just take care of business ourselves.

Its not like women never masturbate... no, they never do, right... wrong... most do it, we don't get bent about it.



We are also adults... and as adults we are entitled to view what we want... and if you have self esteem issues... deal with them, whining about him viewing porn isn't going to help your issues... making him stop will only breed contempt and resentment...

Deal with your low self esteem... blaming it on everything else changes nothing. And it accomplishes nothing.

Its NOT an either/or choice to us... our liking to view it has nothing to do with you, we don't compare you to them.
We chose our partners for who they are... but one thing we didn't sign up for is a Parole officer and prison warden.

Speaking as a guy... based on the tone and word choices you made in this post, I don't think he picked the porn over you, more like you drove him away gradually and to you it only appears he prefers it to you.

Can you have a calm rational conversation with him that's not adversarial, not accusatory, and isn't critical?

If you can without putting him on the defensive... perhaps you can get him to be frank with you about what he sees as a problem. He still comes home... and clearly isn't cheating... so its far from too late to correct whatever is wrong between you.

Keep this in mind... you aren't his mother... and you aren't his boss. He doesn't micromanage YOUR life dictating what you can and can't do... and that works both ways.

Respect his personal space... and you might find he will warm back up to you. Like I said, I don't believe its too late. But its getting close...

I'll be the first to say, he shouldn't be hitting, period, but will say you really are pushing the wrong buttons if you don't want him to leave for good. There is almost always blame to go around on both sides when this happens. It rarely happens in a vacuum. And if it gets to that, someone should be leaving the room before it escalates that far. If he tries.. don't get in his way or try to stop him... if you see it coming first, then you walk out yourself, until everyone cools off.. Getting physical isn't going to solve anything.



Perhaps marriage counseling is in order for both or you, together as a couple.

He likely does share the blame here as well, but sometimes someone has to take the high road first to resolve things.

Otherwise if both people dig in their heals to prove who is more stubborn... then kiss it all good-bye, because its all downhill from there.

Something my mother always said... "well let "fill in a name" argue with themselves...." meaning it takes two people to fight... you can't do it alone.

At the very least... get some counseling for yourself on the self esteem issues... if you can't feel good about yourself... why should someone else? Over and above all things.. we are responsible for our own well being.

[Lonelywife23]

Okay, I get what your saying, I do... All men look at porn... But why is it that us woman suffer for it? And yes there is other things in the relationship other than this... When we first got married he texted 4 women... Sent them pictures and they sent him some also, I caught him doing that by accident. And eventually he came clean and told me "everything" or so he says he told me that the pictures were nothing nasty but why should I believe him when he went behind my back to so this in the beginning? So there you go that's what caused my insecurities... Before he was texting and picture messaging those other women I never would have even had the thought in my mind that he would have cheated on me. And that's what it was. He hid it from me and lied right to my face... (this was before the porn situation) so now every time he gets a text or a call I'm wondering in the back of my mind if he's at it again. And of course he said that he would never do it again... But he said that after the first, the second, and so on... How do I believe him now and how do I get back to being me instead of insecure all the time?

[smoothy]

Okay, I get what your saying, I do... All men look at porn... But why is it that us woman suffer for it?? And yes there is other things in the relationship other than this... When we first got married he texted 4 women... Sent them pictures and they sent him some also, I caught him doing that by accident. And eventually he came clean and told me "everything" or so he says he told me that the pictures were nothing nasty but why should i believe him when he went behind my back to so this in the beginning?? So there you go that's what caused my insecurities... Before he was texting and picture messaging those other women I never would of even had the thought in my mind that he would of cheated on me. And that's what it was. He hid it from me and lied right to my face... (this was before the porn situation) so now everytime he gets a text or a call I'm wondering in the back of my mind if he's at it again. And of course he said that he would never do it again... But he said that after the first, the second, and so on... How do I believe him now and how do I get back to being me instead of insecure all the time??

You only suffer because you make yourself suffer.

Trust me as a man speaking, we do NOT compare you to them. Because trust me... while some of them are very attractive, I bet they lack something our girlfriends and wife's have... a personality.

Now... there is a HUGE difference between texting women... and watching porn. Textng women has NOTHING to do with porn... and I will say that... is a problem. The interaction part of it. Personally... that is where I think a line is crossed. And that has the potential of becoming cheating depending on where and how far those conversations go very easily. And that in most peoples book, including mine, is very wrong.

I assume they have nothing in common with the types of conversations we have here on this site.

First and above all, you need to feel good about yourself, be happy with who you are inside, be happy with who you are from the outside. After all if you can't feel good about yourself, why should someone else.

Counseling can help there. They help identify the areas that need work... and help you find ways to deal with them, and feel better.

Pride and confidence are two parts of feeling good about yourself. Feeling good isn't a bad thing, being proud of who you are isn't either... it only becomes conceit and arrogance if taken to the extreme.

And if you think about it... think about all the popular people you have known... what do they share? Confidence is the biggest one... they feel good about themselves, and those are attractive qualities to others.

And once you feel good about yourself... you may find a lot of other problems aren't as significant.

[Magpie95]

You need to leave this guy! It is not the porn. It is the fact that he physically hits you when you try to talk about it. That is first and foremost. I am surprised no one has mentioned this!

Second, you should not get yourself esteem or your image of self from your partner... or anyone else. That comes from within or it wasn't there to begin with.

Lastly, I am a woman (listen up, Smoothy!) and I masturbate regularly. It is not because I don't love and adore my man. It is because his job sends him away for several days. I have a healthy appetite. Sometimes its because I need to sleep, I had a bad day, I'm in a bad mood, I'm bored.. you name it. I am open with him about it. He knows. I have seen my share of porn, and I can tell you those ladies have nothing on real women. The women's orgasms are usually fake. I am not intimidated by porn. I also don't feel guilty about my long time crush on Johnny Depp. You take the feelings that those things stir up and you serve it up to your partner... so to speak. In addition, porn can be very educational for men. You might see some improvement.

Again I say, the most important thing is that he has struck you.

Be careful and take care.

[smoothy]

Oh, Magpie95, I am very aware most women masturbate... actually I think they all should. If for no other reason, if you don't understand your own body, how can your partner, we can't read minds... we need some guidance until we are familiar with the neighborhood. . However there are some that can't even get themselves off, then wonder why their partner can't either.

I actually did mention about the hitting. It was mid-post. And I don't disagree with most of what you said.

The one part we might have any disconnect... is I think its very possible she nagged him to that point, however not being there, I can't say for sure.

And yes, women do at times have the ability to push the most even tempered man into a blind rage by continuously pushing all the right buttons, knowing what they are doing... that makes them share the blame... and why I said if he tries to leave the room during an argument, don't get in his way. I've personally been in the situation where she was doing exactly that pushing and when I tried to get away from her and out of the room, she physically went out of her way to prevent me from doing it, grabbing holding and yet still instigating... so there are cases its not all his fault.. and cases he did have the common sense to try to leave before the pot boiled over.

Women are fully capable of being every bit as violent as men... been there saw it.

It however is the last act in a battle that was already lost.

[Lonelywife23]

So smoothy what you want me to do is not worry about the porn because he's with me and there not real women? But what about him sneaking off to the bathroom every night to do his deed after I beg him to have sex with me? Why masturbate when he could have the real thing? I don't get it we have sex once a week, sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a week... He's 28, and I'm 23, it seems like we should be into "real" sex more and not so much porn... Right?

[Magpie95]

Oh, Magpie95, I am very ware most women masturbate......actually I think they all should. If for no other reason, if you don't understand your own body, how can your partner. However there are some that can't even get themselves off, then wonder why their partner can't either.

Agreed. I promote it and spread the good word among my gender whenever I get the chance. I am like an ambassador!

[Magpie95]

So smoothy what you want me to do is not worry about the porn because he's with me and there not real women?? But what about him sneaking off to the bathroom every night to do his deed after I beg him to have sex with me?? Why masturbate when he could have the real thing? I don't get it we have sex once a week, sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a week... He's 28, and I'm 23, it seems like we should be into "real" sex more and not so much porn... Right?

Again, the real issue is that he has hit you. Bruise or not, this is not acceptable. You should be able to talk about yours and his sexuality, expectations, etc without having to get physically attacked. That is a problem. That is ABUSE!

[Lonelywife23]

Magpie95...
Thanks for the support, I strongly appreciate it. The thing is that he will use my phone to watch porn and I will go into my history to continue my search after he's finished and he already told me that he was playing a game not watching porn... And on my history... BINGO! Busted! He goes out of his way to lie to me about it... When we do have sex it's once a day, twice in a blue moon... Because he's tired or "it takes too much outta him" but he will watch porn and jack off 1-3 times a day.. What's the difference? He doesn't do all the work all the time...

[Wondergirl]

So smoothy what you want me to do is not worry about the porn because he's with me and there not real women?? But what about him sneaking off to the bathroom every night to do his deed after I beg him to have sex with me?? Why masturbate when he could have the real thing? I don't get it we have sex once a week, sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a week... He's 28, and I'm 23, it seems like we should be into "real" sex more and not so much porn... Right?

When he masturbates, it's his time alone and he can be totally selfish. When he's with you, he thinks not only of his own satisfaction but also of yours, so it's not as "effortless" with a quick finish.

Certainly there are things you like to do without him. I know, if I had to include my husband in EVERYthing I did and had no private time to myself for anything (and especially masturbating or brushing my teeth or reading a book), I'd go bonkers.

[Magpie95]

It is because it doesn't take as long on his own. He doesn't have to worry about someone else's enjoyment of feeling. It's just a release. Like going to the bathroom.

I am not saying it is healthy if it is happening frequently. I am just saying it is different than sex. He is in a routine. Maybe he is addicted, it's possible. You can't fix him, though. You can't change who he is. You need to accept this as your reality... or get out. You are worthy of being happy.

[Lonelywife23]

Thanks guys...
So in reality he's being selfish? Only thinking of himself and his sexual needs? Every time we have sex I initiate it... Unless of course he's watched porn to get all worked up... And then I'm not even into it because I'm thinking that he's going to be thinking about her breasts, small waist, looks, just everything and nothing about me... For example... Today we had sex and it was not a happy ending for me... I told him I was close and asked him if he wanted me to finish for him on my own and that he could watch (something he's asked me to do in the past) and he shrugged his shoulders... Twenty minutes later he's rubbing one out in the bathroom... Then gets all lovey dovey on me, asked me to go for a walk... We did that, when we got back I got on my phone online and seen that he was watching porn (which normally he says he only watches blonde porn, since I'm a blonde) it was a daughter and mother on the daughters boyfriend, (gross) and they both had brown hair... So does his daughter and his daughters mom... I confronted him about it and how gross it was and he blew me off... That was at 7:30 tonight.. It's now 11:38 and he's been watching porn ever since... He doesn't care about my feelings... It's his way or the high way!

[Wondergirl]

Thanks guys...
So in reality he's being selfish?? Only thinking of himself and his sexual needs? Everytime we have sex I initiate it... Unless of course he's watched porn to get all worked up... And then I'm not even into it because I'm thinking that he's going to be thinking about her breasts, small waist, looks, just everything and nothing about me... For example... Today we had sex and it was not a happy ending for me... I told him I was close and asked him if he wanted me to finish for him on my own and that he could watch (something he's asked me to do in the past) and he shrugged his shoulders... Twenty minutes later he's rubbing one out in the bathroom... Then gets all lovey dovey on me, asked me to go for a walk... We did that, when we got back I got on my phone online and seen that he was watching porn (which normally he says he only watches blonde porn, since I'm a blonde) it was a daughter and mother on the daughters boyfriend, (gross) and they both had brown hair... So does his daughter and his daughters mom... I confronted him about it and how gross it was and he blew me off... That was at 7:30 tonight.. It's now 11:38 and he's been watching porn ever since... He doesn't care about my feelings... It's his way or the high way!

It's selfish like showering alone is selfish. Or does he shower with you every time you take a shower?

Men are very visual creatures and he isn't doing this like you think he is, relating the women he sees and connecting them to real life people. What he wants is the action and the motion to enable his action and motion. He doesn't care if there is a storyline or how old they are or if those boobs are real or not or what the background music is.

You're personalizing something that is totally impersonal to him. We woman don't think like men do and find it hard to understand. I was horrified one day to learn that all those romantic words in the songs I love and share with my best beloved mean nothing to him. All he cares about and hears are the music and rhythm. "Words? what words?"

[Lonelywife23]

I'm sure your right... I can't believe I've over reacted our entire marriage... I guess I just need to work on myself first like you guys said. Thank you for everything... I feel like an idiot but oh well... You guys have helped me out tremendously... Thanks again!

[Wondergirl]

I'm sure your right... I can't believe I've over reacted our entire marriage... I guess I just need to work on myself first like you guys said. Thank you for everything... I feel like an idiot but oh well... You guys have helped me out tremendously... Thanks again!!

Let me (us) know how things go now that there's a New You. ;)

Oh, and don't push him into a corner so he is forced to lie. :)

[smoothy]

Don't be too hard on yourself... you've only been married 2 years, most couples are still finding their equilibrium during the first three, so I think MOST couples go through something similar. It's a huge leap going from single to married.

T takes time to readjust and define each persons roles and responsibility on a number of things in the marriage.
Honestly I think those are the most difficult years in a marriage. At least from my perspective. Based on my own marriage... once you both get through this phase... and you settle into your routines... after they are established... things will improve.

As far as the sex end of it... that is all dependent on what you both make of it... It can be both daily and exciting for decades if you both work to keep it fresh... (porn can help give you ideas too, not just him). Or repetitive, boring... and infrequent.

Find a multitude of positions and things that you both like together (limited only by what you share an interest in together)... mix it up and you will keep it fresh.

All couples have occasional disagreements... the person with the cooler head needs to walk away from them to defuse the situation before it escalates. Sometimes it will be you, sometimes it will be him. Worst thing you can do is have a battle of wills to see who is more stubborn. You both lose when that happens.

[smoothy]

So smoothy what you want me to do is not worry about the porn because he's with me and there not real women?? But what about him sneaking off to the bathroom every night to do his deed after I beg him to have sex with me?? Why masturbate when he could have the real thing? I don't get it we have sex once a week, sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a week... He's 28, and I'm 23, it seems like we should be into "real" sex more and not so much porn... Right?

Right... he married you, he didn't marry someone else... he picked you, (well you did pick him too) while I do agree it IS being selfish of him to do that... before that happens is there tension between you? Meaning was there any disagreements or disputes of any type?

If a man is upset with a woman... even on unrelated things... he might do exactly that.

When woman gets ticked off, her sex drive goes away in many cases... a guy can still be upset, and horny at the same time... but usually he just isn't feeling to have it with the person he is upset with at that moment.

Trying to avoid over generalization... but I hope you see my point.