[Tayschren]

So here is my story:

I have always been the guy who was really positive and outgoing and made friends extremely easily, but I never dated. I never found a girl who I trusted with all of my feelings. Yes, I saw girls and I understand how to act around them, and have even had to turn down a few, but I never dated. Not once.

Last year
I was at work and was talking about the university I was going to transfer to (I did community college for two years and worked to save some money). One of the girls I worked with told me her cousin was also going to the same University. She told me she was cute and very nice and I told her she should find me on Facebook and add me. A few days later I get her request and we hit it off right away. I fell so hard for this girl. I moved up to the campus two weeks early to continue working up there and was constantly texting her and talking to her on the phone. I probably spent 18 hours a day in constant contact with her and I felt like I was walking on air. The day finally comes where I get to meet her. I will never forget that night, what she was wearing, and the huge smile on her face when she saw me. A week later I willingly gave her my virginity.

Our relationship
We had the relationship everyone was envious of. People would tell me all the time that she is the luckiest girl to have me and I would simply say that I am the lucky one. I was/am head over heels for this girl and she felt the same way about me. Our relationship was perfect. She was so thoughtful and kind and shared my sense of humor and we just clicked on so many levels. My parents started into a very messy divorce about 4 months into us dating and I don't see how I could have gotten through that without her. We were so happy it makes me sick to think about it.

The past few months
The school year ends and we both made it through our junior year of college happily and successfully. She has some physical issues I won't go into a lot of detail about (long stories) but she has pain almost every day. I would constantly give her neck massages or back rubs or just lay with her in a dark room and stroke her hair to calm her down but suddenly she started having terrible headaches and neck pain. She was used to pain. But this was crippling for her and I tried to help as much as I can. Many doctors later and she finds out that the two medicines she is taking are reacting negatively with each other and causing these issues. One of them was an anti-depressant. She stopped taking the anti-depressant and this is where is all started to go downhill. I am almost positive she didn't talk to her doctor about stopping, she just did it.

The climax and breakup
The summer was rough since I was working full time and taking summer classes and she was working full time in her home town. I got to see her once a week if I was lucky. Whenever I did see her it was 50/50 on her mood. She was either herself or... just this dark side I didn't recognize. This goes on for a while until our 1 year anniversary earlier this month. It was perfect. I planned the whole thing, we took a trip, she was so happy and I was so happy the whole time and everything seemed to be back on track. We started school the next week and everything changed. It took me three days of trying to see her until she finally let me come see her at her place. She had dropped all contact with friends, and her roommates said she was locked up in her room all day when she wasn't at classes.

The worst day of my life
I am sitting in her room while she cries and I cries and she explains to me that she isn't happy. She says that it isn't me, because I have given her everything she wants and she loves me so much. She said that she has relied on other people making her happy and she doesn't know how to make herself feel happy. She couldn't even tell me she wanted to break up. She said she felt horrible about how she treats me and she can't worry about my feelings when she needs to figure out her own. She never did tell me we were over, but pretty much summed it up for me. After about two hours of talking, I gave her a hug and she told me she loved me and I left. I almost crashed my motorcycle on my way home I was sobbing so much.

Where I am now
It has been two days since we "split" and I feel numb. I have never cried this much in my life and I feel sick almost all day long. I can't help thinking about her but she wants space. She wants space from me, from everyone. It is taking everything I have not to text her and ask how she is doing or how her day was. I don't know how much longer I can feel this way. My friends are all being very supportive and I started lifting again today and getting back into a routine, but I miss her so much. I want to help her. I am waiting for her to text me and if she doesn't text me within three weeks, my plan is just to ask her if she is doing all right.

I came here because I am totally lost. I want it to work so badly because what we had was so perfect and we both shared thoughts and aspirations of marriage and moving in together. I am so lost and empty right now. She said that its possible that we will still get back together, but she has to figure out what she needs.

[Magpie95]

I remember my first breakup. UGH. The worst. You think your whole world is falling apart. You aren't going to want to hear this. But this is not the last woman you will ever love. What you are describing is very much an unexperienced type of love.. in the beginning it is really just severe infatuation. Sorry... I know you are shaking your head at that too. But when you get older and you have a few more relationships, you will one day realize that its true. You didn't do yourself any favors by starting your first relationship later. Not that it is bad. But a lot of people get this over with when they are in high school. None of this helps you now, I know. But you already know that nothing is going to make you feel better at this moment, except hearing from her. Nothing anyone else can say will make you feel better. However, don't contact her. You will just drag out the pain and make her less interested in talking to you. Let her contact you if and when she is ready. Understand that she is in a different place in her life than you are. It happens... to everyone. In the meantime, keep your routines, distract yourself. Try to pretend to be happy as much as you can until you don't have to pretend any more. The most important thing.. that seems impossible now... is YOU WILL FEEL BETTER... this will pass. And it will make you stronger and wiser... and the woman you finally end up with will benefit from what you are going through now... because you will be a better man. Best of luck.

-One woman's opinion

[joypulv]

I am someone who has lived with chronic pain for about 40 out of 65 years. It's somewhere between low level and medium, but it directed the course of much of my life. I am never sure what is meaningful or worth doing, because any physical activity makes the pain worse. A chiropractor helped (BTW it isn't back pain).
I don't know if I am similar to her or not. People with chronic pain don't want to sound like a broken record, repeating the same litany over and over.
Your love may not want to say 'I have enough pain that I can't be happy, I can't be cheerful, I can't enjoy what I want to enjoy. I've been depressed so long that it's part of my chemistry now, but anti-depressants make it worse.' I don't know. I don't want to put words in her mouth.
I would write her a letter, not an email, a real letter. You write well and can spend a week or more getting it just right.
Ask her at the end if she will write back.

[braindamage]

Break ups are never easy. But wounds eventually heal my dear. Right now it seems as if nothing is going to help and its all hopeless and I understand its hard. But you need to undersatnd that only time can tell. Right now she's lost and she needs to find herself.. through herself and nobody else. I would know because I am at the same point in my life. Just know man it doesn't mean she doesn't love in fact it's the exact opposite. You both are so lucky to experience a love that some people can never find. Know that. But accept the situation man you have to. If not for your sake but for hers. Take this time to understand yourself as well. Take up a hobby something that you can fall in love with. Definitely ask her how she is. Be there for her. Just don't ALWAYS be there for her. Lol I mean in that in a way give her sometime to be there for herself as well.
On another note, you will be okay. If you love something set it free and what's rightfully yours will come back. Time can only tell mah brothah. Hang in there.

[Tayschren]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know that she still loves me because she told me she did as I was leaving. I ran into her best friend at CVS (I was buying sleeping pills since I can't sleep) who told me that she was headed over to my girlfriend's apartment because she was a wreck and really worried about how I was. I am just such a mess and nothing I enjoyed before is enjoyable. Food tastes bland, being outside is boring, video games are dull... I just hate this. I haven't lost all hope, however. I know she will come back around to me.

[Tayschren]

So I have an update for anyone who is interested (or cares). It has been almost a week and I broke contact and I am surprisingly feeling better tonight than I have this past week since our "break".

This morning my ex removed our relationship on Facebook and proceeded to post this as her status update:

" You know I'm not one to break promises I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe At the end of it all, you're still my best friend But there's something inside that I need to release Which way is right, which way is wrong How do I say that I need to move on You know we're headed separate ways There's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more Got to be true to l myself You gave me more that I can return Yet there's so much that you deserve Nothing to say, nothing to do, I've nothing to give I must leave without you You know we're headed separate ways"

I came home and was instantly broken. I felt like I had been slapped publicly in the face and my friends knew exactly what I was crying about in my room because they had seen the post earlier and thought it was completely childish. I felt like she publicly announced that there was no intention for us to work things out and that she was just going to throw me to the wind after I assured her I would give her everything she needed to try and work out what she needs/wants. I was devastated, to say the least.

It prompted me to break my silence and tell her how I thought what she did was terribly immature and I didn't understand why she was trying to make this all harder on me (especially since the last two days I had been getting significantly better and had a much better outlook). She ASSURED me that she would never do it on purpose and the lyrics were not intended to be about us. Even if she had the biggest blonde moment in the world, it was still hurtful.

She said:
"(My name), please. I promise and swear with all my heart I didn't make it my status to hurt you. I would NEVER do something to get to you intentionally. I like the song and it came on while I was walking to class and I've had a very hard couple of days. I wasn't thinking when I made it my status and that you could get hurt by it. I am begging you to believe that. I know you loved me unconditionally and I loved you too and I still do!

I am so happy you have been doing better because I have been sick and worried about you. I haven't even been able to concentrate on myself because I am hoping that you are okay. You can believe that or not. I would understand if you didn't, but it is the truth. I know you are willing to give me my space and anything and everything I need to help myself and thats why I would never do something to intentionally hurt you. I am hurting too, (my name). You are not the only one.

You think this is so easy for me. You have no idea how it has been for me since last week. I don't know why I didn't think about that song potentially hurting your feelings. NOTHING I felt or said or ever did with our relationship was a lie. That part of the song just reminded me of how I lie to myself about being happy. Not because of you."

So that is where we stand right now. I am a mixed bag of emotions and I just cannot figure out why or how this split is helping her. I was supposed to be away from her so she didn't have to worry about me, but it seems like that isn't happening at all.

I would love some outside input on this.

As a side note: I have been doing everything I can to keep myself busy, I have been constantly working out and my friends have been amazing. I feel like she has no reason to worry about me and I don't understand why we can't just be friends and let me be support for her when she needs it.

[Tayschren]

So I am back for an update to my story if anyone cares:

It has been a bit over a month since I last posted, and I am just here to say that things are getting marginally better. I am still sad every day, still think about her every day, still want what I can't have... all that. I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks. She wished me happy birthday last week via text but that's all I have heard from her.

This weekend was really tough. It was homecoming weekend at my University and it brought up a lot of painful memories. I ended up being the 7th wheel with a bunch of couples at a restaurant last night. This time last year I was at the same place, at the same table with her family having an amazing time. "our" song played over the speakers while I was there. I quickly became a mess and left. At this time last year I was happier than I had ever been in my life, and now I am far far away from that.

Talking to a counselor once and sometimes twice a week. It helps a little bit and I am back on anti-depressants for the first time in 4 years. I still cry more than I ever have. I hate the person I have become.

The one positive thing is about this situation is that I am getting into very good shape. I shaved off some extra pounds and my body looks exceptional. I get complimented a lot and have had a number of girls hit on me, have been given numbers, but I have zero interest. I only want one girl.

This is all doubly hard for me because my parents are going through a very nasty divorce and I don't really have them as a safety net. I have been desperate and made the mistake of calling either of them, only to have them dump their issues on top of what I am already dealing with. I should have known better. I hate bothering my friends with my sadness. I don't want to bring other people down with me. I feel exceptionally alone even though I have a huge network of friends who would do anything for me.

I doubt anyone will read this whole thing, so I guess this is just more for me. It helps a little to write down my thoughts. I feel like I am in a hole of sadness without a ladder to get out of it.

[bigNavySeal]

Nop, I've read the whole thread; you're not alone. Sorry to hear about your loss and even though you're going through some serious rough times kudos for doing things to keep yourself busy and healthy. That's all you can really do, right? As others in this thread have pointed out you will get through this eventually and things WILL get better. You can take comfort in the fact that it (unfortunately) is a natural occurrence in life and there are so many people who experience heartbreak on this level. I share in your grief from my recent break-up 3 months ago with my ex of 2.5 years. For me it was also my first long-term relationship. I have gone through some dark moments, and still am, but I'm slowly recovering. I'm still thinking about her every day, even though I have accepted we weren't right for each other. Things will get better: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger as the famous saying goes.

Make sure you find yourself again, fight through the drudgery of daily life and pursue activities that interest you and make you happy. Routine is important, e.g. a steady job. Don't do anything rash, but do look for new challenges if you lack them. Furthermore find the moments to laugh with your family, friends, with yourself, smile at yourself. You can pat yourself on the back that you have given a shot at real love, opened your heart and have tasted the beauty. Don't be afraid to do it again. There are other people out there you can share love with, luckily that's how mother nature has made us. It wouldn't be fair if this was it only at a young age of 22. Keep up the NC as it will heal your wounds and you will slowly be able to open up to someone again that may very well be suited for you. Go out dating again once you're ready for it, even if you don't immediately find the right one it's good for your self-esteem, and you'll hopefully get comfort out of it. It's a process and it takes time. And time is what you have; just sit back and take it. Good luck

[Volimpdis]

I've read this all as well. I am 21 years old. I too come from what some would've called a perfect relationship. I also have to live with the fact that my woman.. er.. that my ex-partner has to rediscover herself in order to know how to make herself happy. Some women, they are more independent than others. They are the ones that seem the best match for us sometimes but it's a hard fact to accept that independence will always be in their nature.

I come from a divorced family, but both my mother and father have moved on and seem to be leading pretty healthy lives.

Your NC may eventually lead to her coming back to you, but you have to accept that is only a possibility, not an assurance. At the same time, maybe it will lead to you becoming emotionally strong and finding how to be happy on YOUR own that you will discover you can move on. You will end up happy either way.

I would trust what she said, about that mistake. It's all you really can hold onto. Trust.

Trust that she will become happy one way or another. Trust yourself to do the same.

EDIT: She doesn't want to be just friends for your support because she respects you more than to degrade you like that. Once you put somebody in the friend-zone, it's very difficult to get out of there. At least this way if she does find happiness with herself, there is a slight chance she might realize she misses you. Again, it's only a slight chance (and I'm telling this to myself as well.)

[Tayschren]

I just came back and read what everyone had said. I find solace in the fact that other people are going through what I am going through. Nobody will feel exactly how I feel, just like I will never know exactly what any other person is going through. There is still a small level of comfort knowing that other people are weathering the same storm.

I wish I could shake this. I wish I didn't desperately miss her. I wish we could go back to the way it way. My feelings never changed for her and that is the hardest part. I can't get over her. Everyone is telling me to move on, but I can't.

I want to call her. I want answers. I want SOME sort of closure so I can move on. I feel like I am owed that. She should respect me enough to give me clear answers and clear reasons. I devoted myself to her for a long time, and I would respect her enough to give her the answers she sought from me if she had any...

I know she is upset. I have heard it through the grapevine. In my mind, she isn't allowed any sadness. We didn't break up, she broke up with me. I had my heart ripped out of my chest by her. I did nothing malicious and only cared about her and her well-being. I get pushed out of her life by being too loving, by wanting to hold her and help her manage the pain.

I could write for days... I want to write for days, even if nobody reads it. Just putting my thoughts on paper, or even virtual paper, helps. I want there to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but I can't see any signs.

[Volimpdis]

She's wanting to become stronger for herself so that she knows she is capable of being happy on her own is what it sounds like more than anything. It's true that is the only way satisfied about what you're contributing to a relationship. So maybe it really has nothing to do with you... But I know it's really hard to make her tell you but maybe she doesn't even know that herself yet.. I don't know.. it's just some things I've thought about my relationship before.

[Volimpdis]

Accidental empty post.

[sean_s]

I was also 22 when I received my first serious heartbreak, and followed by it a what could be the best, but due to my shocks, an horribly ruined relationship, and followed by it a broken engagement :D

My first break that made me numb for three days and then I had to take medicines to work to a deadline in the next eight days, was due to a formal lier. All what I managed was to catch the deadline, remain in team, pass the test of prognostic modelling, and device a formal statement describing a lie, which I can apply on other peoples statement to see if they are lying or not :)

Anyway.. so Afterwards, I met this woman, and she was sooooooooooo happy to meet me, and said I be her soulmate, and she s coming to germany in two weeks to marry me. After 3 days, she does not love me any more. Then next day, she figures out that she does not know how to make anyone happy, other make her happy, and she thinks she can not make herself (or anyone) happy. One week later, she misses me, and knowes what she missed and she would do anything to come back to me.

Let us analyze the sentences.

"Does not love me any more": theory of formal lies, which I deviced after the first woman left me, say, that if a sayer is saying something which directly contradicts a past statement, and you can not test it on the sayers behalf, thenyou take the last statement as true (any other assumption would be against Occams Razor). Then either the past statement was a lie, or was untested. Let as assume that the sayer is smart enough and did actually do the tests, so, the past statement was a lie. So the statement of she loving me is a lie. Of course the origin of the lie canbe her immaturity (BTW, come on, she is 37, she should be mature) - but that is unimportant, It is a lie, because it does not agree with known test results (as I already said, I am assuming the sayer is smart enough to actually do the tests - namely made sure whether she actually loves you or not)

Figuring out a reason of whatever: Defence. Why do you need an additional defence? When your actual argument is not directly deducible from previously known arguments, you need a third argument to deduce from (compare with Gödels incompleteness theorem, you can not deduce EVERY sentence in a finite set using ONLY the statements from the same set, you need to import a new statement). However, does the import permit you to deduce love → no love? No. it is a completely new starting point , from where you arrive at NOT(love). Classic Reductio ad Absurdum. So either this staring point (she can not make anyone happy, she does not know how to be happy herself etc) is absurd, or that she loved the man is absurd. If we take the second assumption, then that agrees to the Occams Razor, and is possible, under future observations, to let the first assumption to be true too.

She misses me, and she would do anything : then why not do something? This is a fallacy, of ignoring the possibility of further deducton, i.e. further action.

So, the situation is absurd. I went through this not once, twice - actually thrice, but I don't consider the very first one, who increases the number by one to even be a human - she has less IQ than a coconut. When I was 22. It hurt me. A lot. All what I could do is to take CBA - channel blocking agents.

I know I am not of any help, apart from telling you this:

Drink a bottle of wine, and assume me sharing a joint with you.

[new2bmore]

You seem to be an intelligent, articlate young man. At 22 you are just beginning to live, to experience life, the world, females.

Respect the position that she has put you in. She felt the need to express to you that she was not "HAPPY" within herself. She obviously have things going on internally (emotionally) that she has to come to grips with.

If she isn't happy, being with you will not make her happy, it could only add to the happiness that she has inside of her, and at this point in her life, that is absent.

Continue to be the mature, charismatic, independent, focused young man that you are. Your chance at love, happiness will come again soon.

I wish the best for you.

[Tayschren]

Came back and read some more replies and would like to extend my thanks to everyone who has popped in to say words of encouragement and/or words of advice. I do read it all and it helps me. I cannot explain how appreciative I am for you all posting here.

It has been a few weeks, so I figured I would drop in for an update. This one is more positive than my previous ones!

About two weeks ago something in my mind just snapped and I had a moment of clarity. I am doing whatever I can to not lose that clarity. I realized that there is nothing I can do to bring her back, and she cannot love me if she doesn't love herself, first. I had read it, heard it, and it has been reiterated to me by many people, but it finally made sense to me.

This doesn't mean I am over her in any capacity, far from it actually, but I am coming to terms with the sadness. I am still sad, but it isn't debilitating. I am noticing more and more that girls are interested in me and every night I have gone out with friends I have been given numbers or just randomly had girls come up and talk to me/ask my name/ etc. The attention is nice, but I have no intention on following up at all. I am FAR from over her, and part of me is still waiting for her, but the attention and the affirmation that I am not worthless is nice.

In a moment of weakness, fueled by copious amounts of vodka, I actually texted her a simple "hello" which sparked an immediate conversation with her. After a simple exchange of "how are you" with her telling me she is doing "okay", I told her I missed her. Some might view it as a mistake, but it is how I felt and I honestly don't feel as if I made a mistake.

Her response kind of confused me... She was actually upset with me for telling her I missed her. She was upset that I didn't contact her when she wished me happy birthday. She was upset that I talked to her mother when she had left, that I "ignore" her. We go to the same University and she sees me walking to classes and was most upset with me for not noticing her and waving to her. Honestly I don't see her, so I REALLY don't get this one. The conversation just seemed to lead to her trying to dodge the subject and apologizing for hurting me and that she hates how much she hurt me. She said that she is concentrating on herself and trying to manage her life and find out how to be happy. She asked for space from me and isn't happy about that, but also doesn't want contact with me? My mind is jumbled and all my friends can do is laugh at the situation. It is almost comical.

She ended up just sending me: "It isn't your job to make things easier for me and you weren't. I don't need anyone to do that for me. I'm doing that. Im going to bed. Goodnight." *contextually what we were talking about was what I was doing (giving her space) to try and make what she is going through easier for her to manage.
I replied a few hour later with: "I know you're sleeping, but I am just going to continue giving you the space you asked for. I'll be more mindful of my surroundings at school and make a point to acknowledge you if I see you. Please never hesitate to ask me for anything. I still care so much about you and if you just want to talk, or have a question, I'm always here."


It has been about a week, still feeling about the same. Missing her, still sad, but not "the world is ending" sadness. I want her to become happy with herself. I still secretly hope for reconciliation.