[Tarix]

Hi everyone.

I'll start by saying that I don't really know how to responde to the way or reason of my break up.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a while. Her family, friends and basically everyone she knows who met me, thought I was one of the best guys she has ever met.

To give a reaaon for this, I believe in being a proper gentleman to girls/women. Opening car doors, let them walk first, listening to their problems etc. I've gone out of my way to show this girl that I am a great provider, I have a fun and funny personality and that I respect her and love her.

We were very happy together. She exclaimed clearly how much I meant to her and it was like we were the perfect match.

One day I asked her about something that bothered me. I though something may be wrong because she never (since I met her) showed affection coming from her in the form of kisses or hugs or just voluntarily holding my hand. I asked her if something was weong and her answer was that she is just not that type of girl.

Being a guy I'm sure everyone can vouch that you want a girl to show affection. I left the matter there and gave her some time to think.

3 days later when I saw her again she really showed me how much she missed me. We were back and happier than ever. The next day I took her home and I could see something was bothering her, asking her what was wrong merely resulted in, nothing is wrong with a smile.

That evening she told me she needs to figure out what she is looking for in life and she is confused. She told me that she needed time to sort out her life. No matter what I said I couldn't talk sense into her head. Even offering to her that we sort it out together did not work. I have no idea where this came from, there was nothing really short in our relationship and she still told me she loves me a lot and that it hurts us both but she feels she needed to do this.

One day later she texted me again (note that our whole discussion including the previous one was over texts). She said she thought about everything and she agrees that she has to be alone for a while to figure out what she wants in a relationship.

I am heartbroken as I cannot grasp why this happened. She is 19 and I'm 21. I literally provided her with everything that makes a relationship strong. (I even like cuddling, cmon!)

Coming to the point I need advice. I don't know how to process this. I am madly in love with this girl and she still loves me according to her and all the people she spoke to who came to talk to me afterwards.

I can't forger her. She is constantly still on my mind and my heart breaks every time I think of her.

Please tell me your thoughts and any possible advice.

Thank you

[anillaK7]

If she wants time alone, there is nothing you can do but give it to her.

At least she cares about you enough to break it off gently. She could just string you along while she tries to figure it out and then dump you after you've invested more time and effort. Who knows, maybe down the line, you can be great friends or even date again.

Everyone says it, and I'm sure you don't want to hear it, but you're YOUNG! Dating and having someone special in your life is great, but this is the time when you're supposed to be discovering who YOU are. That should be your focus.

[mmresd]

Of course she is constantly on your mind, your break up is recent, this is normal. But I know EXACTLY what you need to do.

1) Go no contact (forever).
2) Keep yourself busy, whether it is work, school, exercise, reading, etc.)
3) You let the only agent that can help you get over her do it's job, which is TIME. Time will heal your wound, unfortunately it is the only thing that will.

Remember that every time you contact her, you click a reset button to your progress, and you create false hope, which will only hurt you even more in the long run.

[d8447]

I know it hurts. It's the worst hurt in the world but it does completely heal over time. I know its not what you want to hear but she is not the one for you. You will find someone . Don't try so hard. When you start not caring as much you will become more interesting to her but unfortunately you can't go back or take her back.

[monsieurjj]

What I learned through my breakup is it doesn't matter what she says when she dumps you, what ever she said was said to make it easy for you, if you want to know the truth find out what she does(careful you might get hurt best to be kept in the dark), my ex told me she just wants to be friends because I hurt her I found out she cheated on me and is now with a friend of hers. What they say are just excuses. They can say they love you but that is not the whole truth. Assess yourself what you don't in the relationship and improve yourself because now that's the only thing you can control

[JD210]

Okay first off, yes guys like to be shown affection, but if she didn't want her to do that right now, you should have respected that. In my one relationship, I did initiate all the displays of affection, but tentatively so as not to pressure her... It is a guys responsibility to initiate and/ or draw the proper lines in the affection aspect of relationships, but make sure the girl is always comfortable. You put unnecessary pressure on her that may or may not have led to the breakup. And now, if you really do care about her, you'll give her the space and time alone she is asking for...

[susurrus]

Tarix,
When I read your post, a lot of what you wrote resounded in me. Something that I am learning about myself, through working on myself because of a breakup, which is still very difficult to stomach is this: in relationships, I tend to be so busy ACTING like the greatest boyfriend on the face of the planet, that the woman I am with feels alone. Just to make a visual analogy about this, it's as if I am opening the door for her to enter a room, but instead of looking into her eyes--doing this sweet thing for her ONLY--she notices I am somewhere else in my mind, keeping a tally of "good boyfriend" gestures, distorting the gesture into something else. I do believe that you gave that girl many, many good things.

The fact that she is stating that she wants to figure out what she wants in a relationship is really an incredible thing. I am 35 years old, and I thought I really knew what I wanted in a relationship, but I have recently come to realize that I never took the time to really ask myself what do I want. Sure, I have been coveting relationships since I had feelings for girls when I was 8 years old. I have never wanted to be a guy who just flies through women not caring the least bit about them. Finding out what one wants in a relationship is a big question, and it takes focus, energy, patience and TIME to answer. I hope that girl really does this, for it is the biggest blind-spot I have in my heart. All my life, I have spent looking at relationships as the end-all-be-all of existence. I would look to people in relationships and wonder what it would be like, but I never asserted for myself what I wanted. What does it look like? What does it feel like? Are arguments apart of it? If I believe it can survive anything, how does it do that exactly? How will I know my partner feels the same way about love? What questions could I ask her to find this out? etc. These and other questions are what I never really looked at, or at the very least gave myself the opportunity to wonder about.
You sound like you are a very considerate young man and honor her feelings. Like a knight fighting for a young maiden, you still have a choice to make (and much more)!
• You can choose to give her that space and time to figure out these things. Some guys don’t and they do things to break her down and infiltrate her space.
• You can choose to protect that time and space she needs by not ruining this special time for her.
• You can choose to take a very positive path through this period of time for yourself: you can learn about yourself, and the things you did together. You are already so far ahead of me by the way you let her know something was bothering you. That is what is really being in a relationship. Congratulations!

You say you provided everything that makes a relationship strong, but perhaps this was the first time she has seen what a real good relationship is like, and perhaps it didn’t fit with hers. Maybe she is just not ready for this kind of relationship right now. Perhaps she saw how easy it would have been to have such a full relationship and she might be concerned that she might not be able to support it the way you would have. You may never hear what it really is, which in turn, is an important thing to do for yourself:
• You can choose to FIND YOUR OWN CLOSURE ON YOUR OWN.

You have a lot of work to do. This heartbreak can be in vain, and the fragments of your broken heart that remain may simply be passed to the next girl. Is this what you want to give to this future girl, some broken chips of a once incredible heart? It can be something so much better, like being a great man and finding closure for yourself, like being able to understand without holding a grudge, like being able to face her with your heart intact, full and strong and offer forgiveness, understanding, kindness, and perhaps friendship. I think you have already given this girl a lot, and perhaps because of it, you have taken her to this next phase of her life. What next phase will you go to?
Here is what I think you are capable of:

1) Giving yourself the necessary time to heal
2) Finding closure for yourself and on your own
3) Developing yourself by looking at all that you have experienced and really giving it a close inspection (perhaps you may discover something about yourself that doesn’t work well for you)
4) Mending your own heart so that it is stronger than before
5) Reestablishing the confidence in who you are and what you are doing—not needing to simply replace this girl with another girl,

and when you step out into the world

6) You are strong, open to love, and free to not only let in “someone else”, but to draw in that special person who is right for you.

I wish you goodness.