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    n_s's Avatar
    n_s Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jul 30, 2012, 07:19 PM
    Was it me?
    I recently broke up with my boyfriend, we had problems before, mainly fights nothing that was crazy and unable to be dealt with. But when we broke up we actually didn't fight. We were texting and suddenly he asked why I was dating him and told me to think real hard about it. And I told him exactly what I thought, that I thought we had something special and that despite everything that's wrong with both of us we find the good with each other and move on. I told him about all the nice qualities I like about him and what not. I asked him why he was asking me such a weird question after a long time and he told me because recently he's been thinking about us and that he realized that he doesn't exactly like me as much as I like him, and he thought that it wasn't fair to me to be in a relationship where I was giving him all my love and he couldn't give back. He said that he thought that our relationship mainly felt like lust to him and not love. At first I asked him how long he's been feeling like this and why he didn't tell me earlier, then in an effort to calm me down he told me that its just a feeling and he wants input. I told him that given the recent events there's two ways he can approach this, 1. we can keep on going, but separate the physical aspect of the relationship, we basically set really stern boundaries, like only holding hands and hugging, and see what happens, if he still feels the same way then we know that our relationship has mostly become lust and let go, if he doesn't and feels that he has feelings towards me then we can move on slowly, knowing that we both like each other to some extent. 2. to break it cold, let go now, without trying and delete eachothers numbers and not talk again. I told him that unfortunately I won't be able to stay friends with him if he chooses to leave because I basically can't be friends with someone I still have feelings towards (given our relationship and history).
    He went on saying that he has a couple of issues:
    1. Trust- he told me before that he doesn't trust me like he did when we first started dating because of a misunderstanding when one of my girlfriends ( who is a mutual friend of me and my ex-boyfriend), in a heated argument and an effort to defend herself, told him about how I had told her not to do something and mentioned that he had told ME not to let her (my girlfriend) do. My girlfriend was not mad at him, and she did not think it was a big deal. I also was under the impression that me and her (being longtime friends) could talk about it. I didn't know it was some sort of secret that my ex-bf didn't want me to tell her. He was especially mad of the fact that I hadn't let him know that me and my girlfriend had talked about it. (although it was nothing that was hidden and was normal conversation between me and her and all our friends, my ex-boyfriend included). I didn't understand how I should just report to him about my personal night out with my girlfriends and the things we talked about. But I apologized anyway, he told me he couldn't trust me, I told him it was a misunderstanding, and my girlfriend, being our mutual friend also re iterated that she had no problem with it. When our argument about this was over, we agreed to put it behind us, that it was in the past. Then when he brought it up that day I told him that despite him always telling me to put this matter behind me and leave this situation in the past, he still has some obvious issues with it, so its still ongoing and not in the past. He told me he came to me with this feeling and I'm making it feel more and more like reality.
    2. He felt that he was being used in our relationship- I've grown up in a culture where girls don't pick up the check when they're out on a date with their boyfriend, there's a clear cut social domination routine in the culture that I grew up in, guys always take care of all the material things that's a way of telling the girl she's worth it. My ex-boyfriend got me a necklace on new years (which was a surprise), and we never went out for valentines day because he had a broken leg, but he still managed to send me flowers, we were dating for 8 months at the time of our break up, during the eight months we mostly hung out if anything, we only went to the movies a handful of times, went out to eat about 5 times, and when he had his car, because I didn't have ready access to my car he would pick me up, then, when he let go of his car and had a broken leg and even after when he still didn't have a car, I would drive out to get him to hang out, he has rented a car twice to come get me, even then it wasn't a pricey rental, it was a cheaper student rental service, he brought all this up, he brought up that he felt used because he has gotten me a necklace, taken me out to eat, and all that, and I've gotten him a keychain from when I went away for a bit and basically drove out to get him when we hung out. He specifically brought up that he has paid to come and pick me up! He comes from a similar culture like me, so he knows what kind of dynamic I was talking about, but he told me it was fine to do all those things for a girl, but he would expect the girl to at least impress him.

    3. He thought that the reason he's never really met any of my friends is NOT because I've only seen them once together in the last 8 months and he's refused to come see them that once (which is honestly true) but because he thinks I'm scared to let him and my friends meet in fear that they would give away other things that I'm hiding from him. Only I'm not hiding anything from him.

    After he said all this I got mad and hopeless altogether, I was dating a guy who I've been the most honest to and knows so much about me, yet refuses to believe me when I say something, the only thing I had to offer at that point was to tell him very honestly that if he was willing to walk through with me then I would try my best to make amends, (I understood that maybe I had neglected him materially, not really buying him gifts or anything) I also thanked him that he was being a gentleman and at least telling me this instead of acting otherwise.
    He told me he wanted to break it off, and that he would leave the decision to stay friends or go our separate ways up to me. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes, I got so heart broken that he came to me after eight months only to tell me that I didn't impress him enough or that he didn't have feelings towards me that it almost killed me inside. I told him beforehand when he asked me how I felt about what he was feeling, I told him I felt hurt and betrayed, in the course of our argument I had told him that now we're at the same level with regards to trust, so essentially after all that he did, I was heart broken, I told him that not only did he break my heart , but he pulled it out and stomped all over it and left it to rot, I told him that I gave him all I had and he just sat there and played with my heart, then he got mad that I thought he was breaking my heart. He told me that he came to me with a feeling and now I made the decision easy, he had deleted my number, and told me to have a great life,I told him to look over what we were talking about over the last hour and think about what it felt like being me long and hard, then I said bye.

    Its been over a week now and I keep on thinking about whether he was right or not. Was it me? Was I not allowed to act the way I did? We've had fights were we haven't talked for a week and he has come back. Is it one of those? What did I do wrong? I just need some opinions about this, its driving me crazy! I mean can you really tell someone you've been dating for so long about something like this and not expect it to turn out bad? What was I supposed to tell him in a situation like that?
    Confusedgirl950's Avatar
    Confusedgirl950 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jul 30, 2012, 10:35 PM
    I think you should just leave it like it is.I just had that same problem, me and my ex dated for 8months and he broke up with me because he didn't feel the same way and he didn't know what he just need to try to get over him.because you'll find somebody better Hun.someone who trust you and won't blame you for that don't want to keep a guy around that doesn't really like you that will only hurt you just try to move on,it's not your fault.y'all just weren't meant to be.he may come back to you but don't hold your move on and realize you deserve better!

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