[BottomOfTheSea]

We have been married 20 years. Both of us are 43 years old. We have 8 years old daughter. We made a love marriage. He is very aggressive and he used violence against me in initial years of our marriage. I didn't leave him back then although I wanted to do so. I guess I couldn't accept the failure because my parents told me that this marriage was wrong. I usually kept his feeling before me and I can say that this was very stressful marriage for me. After I turned to my 40, I couldn't kept quiet anymore and started having quarrels for simple things. I realized that he was pulling himself away; this was the same case for me. I pulled myself away as well. From outside, we always looked like a perfect couple.

He teaches classes twice a week in the evenings. He was mentioning about a lesbian girl who was 21 years old. One of his class evening, he was very late and I worried about him and called him. He said he was chatting with this girl and he didn't realize the time. The same week, he was late again. This time he looked confused and he told me that he had feelings for this girl. He looked like he felt guilty. He told me he thought this girl had feelings for him as well and he wasn't sure her feelings. To clear this situation, he met her on Saturday and when he came home he told me that they fell in love and he didn't love me anymore and he would tell me this even though this wouldn't happen. My first reaction was to leave him immediately. We talked a lot after this. Everything was out in the open.

Then, my thought was maybe we could save this marriage and I told him if we could both try, we could save this marriage and he asked me if I would be able to forgive me after this. I said I would try if the end his relationship with this girl. Then, I learned that he was still talking to her. I lost my trust in him after that. Then, thinking maybe this is some kind of mid-life crises, I said, "I can't stop you seeing her. Do what you have to do, live what you have to live, If you want to still leave, then we'll decide what to do". We had our vacations planned long before this incident. We use separate vacations in our home country overlapping one week to make our daughter stay longer and learn our mother tongue. So, since we will stay almost two months apart, I thought this would give us some time to think. He said that this girl was also in our home country for vacation. So, I used my vacation on June. He came last week of my vacation and we spent some time together.

He looked distant though when he arrived at the airport and this made me pull myself away from him and that week didn't go very well. Last day, we talked and I asked him what he thought. He told me that if we stayed together, we would continue to argue and this time he would lose his respect for me. But he didn't say he wanted to leave me. I wanted to hear a definitive answer. Then, I said I couldn't continue to leave like that and it would be better if he left the house upon his return. So, this was our decision.

Then I came back to US and found out he had sex with her (13 times). I wasn't surprised though; I was just disappointed because he lied to me saying that she was in vacation. Even so, I thought a lot about this. I don't want him to leave or I don't want to divorce. I sent him an e-mail saying that I didn't want him to leave or divorce and if he wanted separation, it would be his decision. I know I sound very irrational and stupid. And I always thought that if he ever cheated on me, I would leave him immediately. But, it is not easy to end a marriage for 20 years even though it wasn't a superb marriage. My heart says let it go, my mind says give some time. Even if he stays, probably nothing would be the same.

What do you think? Do you think his relationship with this girl work? Do you think I am making a big mistake? I need to hear some advices and other people's opinions. Thanks.

[Fr_Chuck]

So where you are at, is divorce allowed, he cheats, if mean, seems you would be glad to be rid of him. I see no love in this love marriage

[bigNavySeal]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. This is tough, and I understand it's not easy to leave after 20 years, even though it was a stressful marriage.

I don't think you have much of a choice. It seems he won't amend his ways anytime soon until you make firm decisions. Even though I can imagine it's very difficult, divorce makes the most sense. Or I would at least demand it, and see how his reactions are. By staying indecisive, he will keep you close-by, and also stay indecisive, because he doesn't want to you loose you either. Demanding divorce may make him realise his mistakes and mend his ways. If not, its for the better that you're out.

Don't let it go on for too long, as you're still 40 and will still be able to perhaps find a better man (if you want), before you're too old. Good luck!

[joypulv]

It's common to not want to leave even a short relationship because we fear being alone more than the fighting.
It's common to not want to leave a 20 year old marriage because you really do share some comfortable ways of living together.
It's impossible for us to tell you what to do, so some will say 'leave him' and others will say 'separate for a year' or 'save the marriage and forgive him.'
Often I try to read between the lines to see which way you are leaning, but in your case, you are saying clearly that you want him to stay. Therefore I'll take the 'year separation' stance. You never know how it's going to work out, so slowly plan for being on your own again, just in case. And don't let family say 'I told you so!' Ignore them as best you can.

[talaniman]

I doubt anything changes anytime soon, but a separation will only allow these two to exercise their lustful attractions, and I doubt it get serious long term, or leads to anything meaningful.

But I think its you that needs to make a decision as to what you want to happen. Since he shows no signs of recommitting to marriage and wants this chick on the side, I see little choice but make financial arrangements for your maintenance, even through the courts, and deal with being good parents while you figure out whether a permanent solution can be reached. No need to rush into things as getting legal advice would be a good step to gather facts about your rights to add to your options.

I say let the fool get his attention from the young thing while you plot your own course of action, and see what YOU want to do. Sorry but such flagrant disrespect, for whatever reasons leads to a divorce, so you at least know what path YOU can take for your own happiness and the security of your own child.

At least you can cover your own a$$, in case the chick on the side gets PREGNANT, or this carries on far to long for your own mental well being. So I guess your first move is to be informed of your legal rights and options, especially concerning house, and property, insurance etc, then make a decision that works best for you and your child.

Sorry for the way things are working, but for now, handle your business.Take care of yourself, he is a big boy and can take care of himself.

[BottomOfTheSea]

Thank you for your replies. I just want to let you know that after my e-mail he said that I wouldn't want to hear what he would think because it would make me feel bad since I was here alone. So, he didn't write any answer back. I am thinking that he is leaning towards moving out. Probably, I will learn this when he comes back. Until now, I didn't think about the legal action but you are right; I need to be ready when the time comes. I'll seek for legal advice before doing anything harsh or stupid. Thank you so much. I don't know when this clasp will stop squeezing my heart. I can't concentrate on anything. I think these last two months were the worst days of my life. I've never felt such miserable. I am usually very logical person but this events made me so stupid and I am acting irrational. My decisions are changing daily. Our families are outside of US. So, we both have no relatives here and I guess that makes the separation more difficult for me. Thanks again for you replies and sorry for my grammatical mistakes.

[joypulv]

You are not alone (if that helps one tiny bit); we've pretty much all been there. You can't think, breathe, sleep, stay awake, eat, decide which shoe to put on first. Your feelings change every 30 seconds.
I hope you have friends here, or can afford another trip home...