[Ymme]

Okay where to start? I just need some advice.

I have been dating this guy for over a year now, but prior to that we were really great friends. We have so much In common and apart of me feels like he is my soul mate. Even though he says the same thing to me, after breaking my trust I find it hard to believe.

So here goes. We started dating, everything was perfect, he was working we were happy, the sex was and is amazing and he when with me is constantly attentive to every need.

5 months into the relationship it all changed, he was at work and I was at his house waiting for him to finish. I never had doubt in my mind to not being able to trust him until I found out he was having an online relationship with another person at the same time.
When I confronted him about it he said he didn't know how to end it with this girl, and that he was afraid to tell me.
I believe everyone deserves a second chance, and that is what he got. The next week, I had this urge to have another look for some reason.

All in all he lied, chatted up 3 different girls on the net. When drinking makes a point when I am not around that he lives life like s single man. Despite all of this, we do talk things are slowly making progress. He no longer is on Facebook, he has given up drinking and is doing everything in his power to prove me wrong when it comes to changing.

I just want to know, after have your trust broken in such away, do you think it could be mended or am I seriously wasting my time and should I just find someone who can be honest and loyal from the start?
U

[Ymme]

Please excuse the errors, auto correct is unkind.

[Mlleetes]

I think it is possible for trust to be mended, if you truly want to have a future with someone. Trust does take a lot of time and open communication. Trust is a two way street. How did you discover his online activity? Do you feel that you had any mistrust in the beginning which may have prompted you to go searching his online activity? One thing to do is to accept whatever part you may have played on this situation, and communicate that to him. It could help open the lines of communication and further the mending of the relationship.

[CravenMorhead]

I hate to think I have becoming a pessimist when it comes to relationships but there were several red flags that popped up that made me think that this wasn't that healthy of a relationship.

1). You were snooping on his computer. Lack of trust
2). He's having emotional affairs. There are some who would consider that cheating.
3). He's trying to prove you wrong.
4). He lives the single life when he's not around you.

How would you react to this if a friend had been tell you this exact story?

I think you're wasting your time with him. I don't think he will change. I do believe he is apologetic but more for getting caught rather than the actual crime. A person rarely changes, and it usually takes a life altering event for them to change. What I foresee happening is that he convinces you and then slowly relapses into his old habits. Maybe a year or two down the road he is doing his online thing again. He might start hooking up with them when he thinks he can get away with it.

I think that you would be better off finding another man. Person opinion.

[Ymme]

Okay this might help to use his name.

Ben* was dating one of my friends when I met him. Him and I also became friends and that Is all it ever was. When the two split I was neutral with them both and lended and ear when needed. Ben did the same thing in his last relationship, which caused them to split.
He became one of my closest friends and had been for years.

See the thing is, I always trusted him with everything! I never had doubt in my mind because we were so open about things.

With the whole snooping issue, I actually wasn't snooping out of distrust it was more to see all the nice things that he may had said about us, because I thought we were so happy.

I was poorly mistaken. I guess that's why I am here asking advice to whether people could think Ben could change and whether the trust could be mended.

If this was to ever happen to my friends I would say exactly the same to what you have written, but like they say " the best advice is your own".

The fact that he constantly relapses makes me feel like an idiot. And I am the silly girl that keeps thinking he will change.
I'm in a position where I can't trust him on the net, when he's drinking and when he's away from me.
I know with me saying this has given me the answer to what to do next.

I have worth, I am important and I guess, after reading your comment. You hit the nail on the head with just what I wrote. No one ever was allowed to make me feel like this so I guess, who is he to think he's allowed to?

Thank you

[Ymme]

I hate to think I have becoming a pessimist when it comes to relationships but there were several red flags that popped uUp that made me think that this wasn't that healthy of a relationship.

1). You were snooping on his computer. Lack of trust
2). He's having emotional affairs. There are some who would consider that cheating.
3). He's trying to prove you wrong.
4). He lives the single life when he's not around you.

How would you react to this if a friend had been tell you this exact story?

I think you're wasting your time with him. I don't think he will change. I do believe he is apologetic but more for getting caught rather than the actual crime. A person rarely changes, and it usually takes a life altering event for them to change. What I foresee happening is that he convinces you and then slowly relapses into his old habits. Maybe a year or two down the road he is doing his online thing again. He might start hooking up with them when he thinks he can get away with it.

I think that you would be better off finding another man. Person opinion.

I think I am just angry at myself because your advice is spot on!
I would have said this to one of my friends if she or he were in the same position, and I have said it to myself again and again.

I guess I am frustrated with the amount of time wasted in waiting when all he is going to do is do it all again.
It's good to hear your own advice from someone else.

Thank you