[Ali Bril]

I need help. I was raped within the last year by a boyfriend I had for three weeks and it led to a baby. I at first, was ashamed to tell anyone because I had been "fooling around" with him prior and I did not want that to come out. Then I ended up keeping a "friendly" relationship and almost romantic relationship due to the fact I thought no one would ever want me because he took my virginity and I felt ruined as well as I thought no one would want me because I was having a child. Ten months later and he wants custody to my newborn child. What do I do?

I tried to file a criminal charge but I didn't have any evidence against him and they said I was too friendly afterwards... I don't know where to go next?

[JudyKayTee]

This will come down to PROVING he's a danger to your child - I understand the "too friendly" aspect. I am an survivor of adult rape. Everyone handles these situations differently but few people continue to have a relationship, particularly one that is "friendly," with her rapist.

At any rate - you need to PROVE he's a danger to the child.

I have no idea why he thinks he can get sole custody - if that is what you are asking. Joint, probably. Custodial, I doubt it. Sole - no way.

[ScottGem]

In fact, I don't think you should even bring up the rape charges at all. Its going to make you look like you are just charging him to keep him away from your child.

Just show that you are able to care for the child. And go after him for child support.

[JudyKayTee]

In fact, I don't think you should even bring up the rape charges at all. Its going to make you look like you are just charging him to keep him away from your child.

Just show that you are able to care for the child. And go after him for child support.

I agree - I'm just not sure at what point she tried to file charges. At the time of the rape? When she was pregnant? After the child was born.

I agree - if it was when he started to make noise about custody, it's a dead issue and will hurt her. Sounds like revenge!

[AK lawyer]

... Ten months later and he wants custody to my newborn child. What do I do?
...

Wanting and getting are two different things.

One cannot sue for custody until the child is born.

[JudyKayTee]

Wanting and getting are two different things.

One cannot sue for custody until the child is born.

Is the child new born or unborn?

[Fr_Chuck]

First he is just threatening, I bet somewhere in there was he would not if you obeyed him and did what he wanted, or if you did not ask for child support??

First unless you are unfit, he is not going to get custody away, he may get joint but that would be the most.

You decided badly not to press charges when it happened, that is over, legally he did not rape you. So get counseling and move on. That does not effect this case, since it is not proven.

So you file for custody if you have not already, file for child support and let him do what he will do, can't stop it anyway.

[Ali Bril]

I did likanvers about him. You know how girls are, easy to manipulate. And he is the most manipulative person I have ever met and I am probably a little too naïve and gullible for my own good. (I was 18 and he was 22) He pressured me into fooling around with him and I did. Several times on several different occasions. The Tuesday before he tried to have sex with me and I flipped out and told him no and he stopped. And we discussed it the next day and he just said he got carried away. Then that Friday, the night it happened, we were in fact fooling around in his bed when he then again tried to get inside my pants and that's when I said no and pushed him away. I was fully clothed the whole time, I don't want to go into details but I was wearing short soffe shorts and that's how he was abled to "take advantage" of me. After the fact I felt embarrassed humiliated and dirty. I didn't want anyone to figure out what I had fooled around with him. That's why I didn't say anything right away. I didn't want to getcaught and that meant keeping quiet about what had happened to me. And I didn't know about a rape kit until weeks later. And when I confided in one of my friends she looked at me like she didn't believe me, I figured my family wouldn't believe me anyway. I just wanted to forget about it. And after talking to Him about it, he had me convinced that he had done nothing wrong because I was in his bed fooling around and I was "teasing him" so I blamed myself for what happened. Then after I found out I was pregnant, my family obviously knew something had happened so that's when I opened up to mom and told her I don't know if it "counts" as rape. Then a few weeks after that, I was talking to a not yet lawyer and she said it was too late to press charges because I didn't get a rape kit. She said it'd be best just to get along because I'd have to deal with him for forever. So after hearing that advice and feeling so low and like I was "ruined" and that no one would ever take me because I was having a kid, I went back to him. Like I said, he had me convinced that he had done nothing wrong and that the way that I felt was my own fault. And finally after feeling so low aboutmyself and reading an Internet article from a girl who was raped by her boyfriend in college and my situation pretty much matched up to hers, and when I confronted Him about it, he had said the same things he had been saying but that time I didn't just accept it was my fault and then he just told me I wanted it when I knew I didn't and that I had made it clear. And that's when I went to press charges.

I know it is ridiculous that I would go back to him and hard to understand but I honestly felt so low about myself and sometimes still do. He not only made me a mom early, he pushed memories on me that I will never be able to get out of my mind.

And it was easier to pretend that it didn't happen then to try to face it. I came home that next morning, totally ashamed and I was supposed to go to kings island with friends. I got a third of the way there and I had to turn around and go home where I sat hours in the bath tub trying to feel clean again. I honestly almost killed myself in that bathtub that evening. And no one knew what I was going through.

It is not that I am trying to take away all his rights, which he doesn't even deserve anyway, I just don't want to have to look at the guy who raped me for the next 18 years nor do I want him to raise my child. And I don't want him to get away with it. My child was born a month ago.

[Ali Bril]

And he just wants rights to her which I feel he should not have. I have not denied him visitation because I don't know what to do.

[AK lawyer]

... and let him do what he will do, can't stop it anyway.

Somehow, under the circumstances, I don't feel that I would have put it that way.

Is the child new born or unborn?

Possibly I misread "newborn" as "unborn". Either that, or it was edited since. No matter.

OP should pursue child support. If, in response, he asks for custody, cross that bridge when she comes to it.

[ScottGem]

I just don't want to have to look at the guy who raped me for the next 18 years nor do I want him to raise my child. And I don't want him to get away with it. My child was born a month ago.

I'm sorry to say this to you, but he already got away with it. Your failure to report it immediately, to have a rape kit done let him get away with it.

If you don't want him to completely get away with it then you make sure he pays child support. But you are not going to block his visitation. The best you can do is ask for a third party intermediary. So when his visitation is scheduled you bring the child to someplace who brings the child to him. You will probably have to explain to the court why you want this.

[Ali Bril]

I'm sorry to say this to you, but he already got away with it. Your failure to report it immediately, to have a rape kit done let him get away with it.
If you don't want him to completely get away with it then you make sure he pays child support. But you are not going to block his visitation. The best you can do is ask for a third party intermediary. So when his visitation is scheduled you bring the child to someplace who brings the child to him. You will probably have to explain to the court why you want this.

How can I get supervised visitation? That would make my life a whole lot easier and at that point I think I could handle visitation.

[Ali Bril]

The day after she was born he came to see her and him and I got in an argument. I told him I was going to record the conversation and in the conversation he admitted three times to "taking advantage of me" but not to raping me. This was after the investigation.

[ScottGem]

How can I get supervised visitation? That would make my life a whole lot easier and at that point I think I could handle visitation.

Supervised visitation is when the non custodial parent can only see the child under the supervision of another party. Sometimes another family member, sometimes an agency appointed by the court.

I don't think you will get supervised visitation. You would have to prove the father is a danger to the child and I don't think you can.

What I am suggesting is that you ask the court to require an intermediary to effect the transfer of the child. So you hand the child to this third party and pick the child up from the third party. So you don't have to interact with the father.

This you may be able to get, but you will probably have to explain to the court why you want it.

I told him I was going to record the conversation and in the conversation he admitted three times to "taking advantage of me" but not to raping me.

This makes it better. Instead of telling the court that he raped you, you can tell them that he took advantage of you and that, now that you understand what really happened, you are very uncomfortable coming in contact with him. You can offer the tape as proof.

[JudyKayTee]

Where to start? No, I don't know how girls are, easy to manipulate. Wy don't you tell me how [all] girls are. I have two sisters and a foster sister. I have four stepdaughters. My best friend was raped and then witnessed the rapist killing the second victim - she's been there and back again. She had to change her name, move from the area, start over because the Police couldn't find him. Yes, I know how rape "works."

I also have four stepdaughters. Not a one of us is or has been “easy to manipulate,” not at all. Please don't make blanket statements based on your poor decisions. I also know when any of us didn't want to have sex we didn't wrestle around in a guy's bed. I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm not saying he shouldn't have stopped when you said no. I am saying I don't think his penis fell into your vagina. I'll explain my position on that at the end of this thread.

I think you were a little girl, a child, playing in an adult arena - and it backfired on you.

He PRESSURED you into fooling around with him? How? Did he pull a gun - again with the gun?

A not yet Attorney (and I don't know if she was going into law school, waiting for the results of the Bar or 10 years of age with career goals) told you that it was advisable to continue in the relationship with the rapist because you were pregnant with his child and would have to deal with him forever so why not start “dealing with him” now? Sorry, but I don't mince words. I plain old don't believe you.

So - you went back to him. Nobody pointed a gun at you.

Okay, so you don't want to look at a guy who raped you over the next 18 years - well, it appears you are going to. Will he raise your child? If there is some reason you cannot, yes, he will. Will he co-parent your child? Yes, he will. He doesn't “deserve” rights to “my”/your child. Yes, he does. He's the father. You don't want him to get away with what? The rape? You are the person who ALLOWED and ENABLED him.

He either "took advantage of you" because you were young and, apparently stupid OR he raped you. Pick one and stick with it. If he "took advantage" of you, you have minimized the experience of every woman who was ever raped!

Okay, let's talk about rape. I was the adult victim of rape. I'll tell you how it works. It's forcible sex. You get pushed and pulled and possibly punched and slapped. You are bruised afterward. Intercourse is painful. His penis doesn't fall into your vagina. It hurts - to put it mildly. You are fighting and he forces his way in. Afterward you feel somewhat guilty for even putting yourself in that situation - and, trust me, I wasn't wrestling around on some guy's bed wearing shorts and playing games - but your hurt and your anger and your desire to protect other women from the same fate overrides that.

Did I feel unclean? Yes. Did I take precautions so I didn't get pregnant? Yes. Did I then develop a relationship with the rapist, date him, have sex with him, even have contact with him, discuss ANYTHING with him? No, I did not. For that matter, neither did my friend.

It's not ridiculous that you went back to him. It's half unbelievable and other half stupid and foolish.

And you wonder why the Police didn't believe you?

I'm an investigator - you have no idea who many of these incidents I've investigated. It starts with the female enjoying the sex play, having fun. It turns into a sincere (or insincere) “no more”... but she continues to wrestle around “having fun.” “Fun” turns into intercourse. Later that night or the next night or at some point SHE decides it was rape. It wasn't.

I don't think you have the judgment which is necessary to raise a child. Him? I'm not so sure.

I'm not sure - and I'm quoting a good friend - that you have the common sense of a billy goat.

[Alty]

I agree with Judy. As a victim of rape myself, this story just isn't ringing true.

I was raped by a friend of my ex boyfriend. He came to my house, I let him in because he said he wanted to talk. My parents were away for the day.

He told me he could only stay for a few minutes because he had to get to work. That put me at ease, so I allowed him in my home to talk. We did talk. He asked if he could use my phone, I said yes. He called his work to book the day off. At the time he had a broken arm and his arm was in a cast. He used that as his excuse, that his arm was bothering him.

At that point the only thing I could think about was how I was going to get him to leave. I no longer felt comfortable.

Long story short, and I won't go into details because I really don't need the nightmares tonight, he raped me, beat me, in my own home, in my bed!

I never told my parents what happened, the police, no one. I just wanted to forget it had ever happened. I lied to my parents about my bruises, about everything.

A year or so later, when I was dating my now husband, we went to a club for the birthday party of a friend of my husbands. Well, my rapist was there. Turns out he was a friend of the friend.

I remember my husband (then boyfriend) asking me if I was okay, that I had turned white as a sheet. A few of the people at the party asked me why I looked so pale. One girl said I looked like I was in shock. I don't remember that part. I remember asking if we could leave. So we did.

Half way home, when he continued asking me what was wrong, I told him. He was ready to turn around, go back to the club, and beat the guy to death. I asked him not to, I begged him to just take me home.

I cannot fathom how anyone could have a relationship with someone that raped them. It's not something I've every heard of anyone that's a victim of rape, doing.

I do believe he took advantage of you, but that's not rape. You stayed with him after this incident.

This really sounds like a case of regret. Let me explain what I mean. He didn't turn out to be who you wanted him to be, now you have a child with him, and he has the right to be a part of this child's life. You don't want him to be, so you've turned this incident into rape.

If you really were raped then I'm sorry, but having been there, done that, your story just isn't ringing true, and, just like me, if you were raped, it's too late to do anything about it other than get the help you need in order to deal with it. Even with a rape kit it's hard to press charges when it's a he said she said incident. It's even harder when you never had a rape kit done, and you continued a relationship with the person you claim raped you.

I'm not a legal expert, but my advice to you would be to have as little contact with him as possible. Do as Scott suggested and have someone else handle drop offs and pickups with your child. But, there's no way I can see you winning a rape case against him, or having him lose his rights because you're claiming rape. It's too late for that.

[Ali Bril]

I agree with Judy. As a victim of rape myself, this story just isn't ringing true.

I was raped by a friend of my ex boyfriend. He came to my house, I let him in because he said he wanted to talk. My parents were away for the day.

He told me he could only stay for a few minutes because he had to get to work. That put me at ease, so I allowed him in my home to talk. We did talk. He asked if he could use my phone, I said yes. He called his work to book the day off. At the time he had a broken arm and his arm was in a cast. He used that as his excuse, that his arm was bothering him.

At that point the only thing I could think about was how I was going to get him to leave. I no longer felt comfortable.

Long story short, and I won't go into details because I really don't need the nightmares tonight, he raped me, beat me, in my own home, in my bed!

I never told my parents what happened, the police, no one. I just wanted to forget it had ever happened. I lied to my parents about my bruises, about everything.

A year or so later, when I was dating my now husband, we went to a club for the birthday party of a friend of my husbands. Well, my rapist was there. Turns out he was a friend of the friend.

I remember my husband (then boyfriend) asking me if I was okay, that I had turned white as a sheet. A few of the people at the party asked me why I looked so pale. One girl said I looked like I was in shock. I don't remember that part. I remember asking if we could leave. So we did.

Half way home, when he continued asking me what was wrong, I told him. He was ready to turn around, go back to the club, and beat the guy to death. I asked him not to, I begged him to just take me home.

I cannot fathom how anyone could have a relationship with someone that raped them. It's not something I've every heard of anyone that's a victim of rape, doing.

I do believe he took advantage of you, but that's not rape. You stayed with him after this incident.

This really sounds like a case of regret. Let me explain what I mean. He didn't turn out to be who you wanted him to be, now you have a child with him, and he has the right to be a part of this child's life. You don't want him to be, so you've turned this incident into rape.

If you really were raped then I'm sorry, but having been there, done that, your story just isn't ringing true, and, just like me, if you were raped, it's too late to do anything about it other than get the help you need in order to deal with it. Even with a rape kit it's hard to press charges when it's a he said she said incident. It's even harder when you never had a rape kit done, and you continued a relationship with the person you claim raped you.

I'm not a legal expert, but my advice to you would be to have as little contact with him as possible. Do as Scott suggested and have someone else handle drop offs and pickups with your child. But, there's no way I can see you winning a rape case against him, or having him lose his rights because you're claiming rape. It's too late for that.

You're wrong. Were you raped by someone who you thought you loved and trusted? And then blamed yourself? Then to make matters worse you become pregnant and try to do what you feel is morally right by keeping the baby, no abortion, and obviously you can't do adoption because in that case you would be giving the rapist full custody to your child? Its not like I didn't try to put her up. Just because you knew for sure you were raped by someone you weren't intimately close with doesn't mean it makes yours any worse than mine. As I said, we were fooling around on his bed and he KNEW where I stood with sex. At one point he tries to pull my pants aside and pulls his pants down. I told him no and tried to push his hand away. What was I supposed to do? Scream for help where there was no help to by found? Or try to fight him off, someone who was twice my size? I pulled myself up from under him and he pulled me back under him. And preceded to pull my pants aside and insert himself. Then I tried pushing and pulling myself away and ended up against the wall where I was then pushed with force into the wall as he penetrated me. At that point I stopped struggling and I just remember staring at the ceiling until he was done. So that's not rape to you because I had an intimate relationship with this bastard? No, it's people like you that screw over victims that seem to think your situation was worse and make one feel like they have no hope and that they deserved what happened to them.

[JudyKayTee]

No, it's people like you who have notihing but excuses and "screw" (an oddly appropriate term) themselves over.

And minimizing other people's rapes? Inexcusable.

I do notice that your "butter wouldn't melt in my mouth" stance has hardened since you've been asked about the circumstances.

Please explain the "fooling around on his bed" part. Just I have this straight, you were in his bed willingly, right? That doesn't change "no" meaning "no" - but no one grabbed you in the dark, right?

You are truly a fool - and I've never said that on AMHD.

[Ali Bril]

Where to start? No, I don’t know how girls are, easy to manipulate. Wy don't you tell me how [all] girls are. I have two sisters and a foster sister. I have four stepdaughters. My best friend was raped and then witnessed the rapist killing the second victim - she’s been there and back again. She had to change her name, move from the area, start over because the Police couldn’t find him. Yes, I know how rape "works."

I also have four stepdaughters. Not a one of us is or has been “easy to manipulate,” not at all. Please don’t make blanket statements based on your poor decisions. I also know when any of us didn’t want to have sex we didn’t wrestle around in a guy’s bed. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have stopped when you said no. I am saying I don’t think his penis fell into your vagina. I’ll explain my position on that at the end of this thread.

I think you were a little girl, a child, playing in an adult arena - and it backfired on you.

He PRESSURED you into fooling around with him? How? Did he pull a gun - again with the gun?

A not yet Attorney (and I don’t know if she was going into law school, waiting for the results of the Bar or 10 years of age with career goals) told you that it was advisable to continue in the relationship with the rapist because you were pregnant with his child and would have to deal with him forever so why not start “dealing with him” now? Sorry, but I don’t mince words. I plain old don’t believe you.

So - you went back to him. Nobody pointed a gun at you.

Okay, so you don’t want to look at a guy who raped you over the next 18 years - well, it appears you are going to. Will he raise your child? If there is some reason you cannot, yes, he will. Will he co-parent your child? Yes, he will. He doesn’t “deserve” rights to “my”/your child. Yes, he does. He’s the father. You don’t want him to get away with what? The rape? You are the person who ALLOWED and ENABLED him.

He either "took advantage of you" because you were young and, apparently stupid OR he raped you. Pick one and stick with it. If he "took advantage" of you, you have minimized the experience of every woman who was ever raped!

Okay, let’s talk about rape. I was the adult victim of rape. I’ll tell you how it works. It’s forcible sex. You get pushed and pulled and possibly punched and slapped. You are bruised afterward. Intercourse is painful. His penis doesn’t fall into your vagina. It hurts - to put it mildly. You are fighting and he forces his way in. Afterward you feel somewhat guilty for even putting yourself in that situation - and, trust me, I wasn’t wrestling around on some guy’s bed wearing shorts and playing games - but your hurt and your anger and your desire to protect other women from the same fate overrides that.

Did I feel unclean? Yes. Did I take precautions so I didn’t get pregnant? Yes. Did I then develop a relationship with the rapist, date him, have sex with him, even have contact with him, discuss ANYTHING with him? No, I did not. For that matter, neither did my friend.

It’s not ridiculous that you went back to him. It’s half unbelievable and other half stupid and foolish.

And you wonder why the Police didn’t believe you?

I’m an investigator - you have no idea who many of these incidents I’ve investigated. It starts out with the female enjoying the sex play, having fun. It turns into a sincere (or insincere) “no more” ... but she continues to wrestle around “having fun.” “Fun” turns into intercourse. Later that night or the next night or at some point SHE decides it was rape. It wasn’t.

I don't think you have the judgment which is necessary to raise a child. Him? I'm not so sure.

I'm not sure - and I'm quoting a good friend - that you have the common sense of a billy goat.

Did I say I continued to have sex with him? No. Did I say I didn't struggle? No. So because he didn't beat the crap out of me means he didn't force himself inside of me? And that I wanted it? You are cruel.

[Alty]

You're wrong. Were you raped by someone who you thought you loved and trusted?

No, I was raped by someone I thought was a friend. Someone I did trust because all we had was friendship.

And then blamed yourself?

I blamed myself for many years. In fact, until a few years ago I still blamed myself, and my rape happened 23 years ago, when I was 18. I let him into my house. I invited him in. For more than half my life I felt it was my fault.

Then to make matters worse you become pregnant and try to do what you feel is morally right by keeping the baby, no abortion, and obviously you can't do adoption because in that case you would be giving the rapist full custody to your child? Its not like I didn't try to put her up.

No, I didn't get pregnant. If I had I know that I wouldn't have asked to continue a relationship with the man that brutally raped me. I would have reported the rape to the police, and I would likely have aborted the child, because morality has nothing to do with rape.

Just because you knew for sure you were raped by someone you weren't intimately close with doesn't mean it makes yours any worse than mine

There is no "Your rape was worse than mine" when you're a victim of rape. That's one of the reasons that I'm not buying that you are a victim.

As I said, we were fooling around on his bed and he KNEW where I stood with sex. At one point he tries to pull my pants aside and pulls his pants down. I told him no and tried to push his hand away. What was I supposed to do? Scream for help where there was no help to by found? Or try to fight him off, someone who was twice my size? I pulled myself up from under him and he pulled me back under him. And preceded to pull my pants aside and insert himself. Then I tried pushing and pulling myself away and ended up against the wall where I was then pushed with force into the wall as he penetrated me. At that point I stopped struggling and I just remember staring at the ceiling until he was done.

You didn't scream? I knew there was no one that could help me, but I screamed at the top of my lungs. I fought, and he was also twice my size, and had a cast on his arm which he used to his advantage. I fought with everything I had in me. I lost. But I didn't just roll over and let him rape me.

So that's not rape to you because I had an intimate relationship with this bastard?

It's not the relationship you had before this happened that makes me say this wasn't rape. It's the relationship you continued to have with him after he raped you. It would have taken weeks, even months, before you knew you were pregnant, but you continued to have a relationship with this guy from the get go. That's why I'm not buying it.

No, it's people like you that screw over victims that seem to think your situation was worse and make one feel like they have no hope and that they deserved what happened to them.

You couldn't be more wrong. It's people like you that make the victims of rape afraid to report it, because they know they'll be raked over the coals because of all the people that have cried rape when they weren't raped at all. No one deserves to be raped, and if you were, I'm sorry for you. It's just that nothing you have said points to rape. You stayed with this man! You continued a relationship with him! Did you regret having sex with him, did he take advantage of you? I'm sure that's true. But was it rape? I'm just not believing that it was.