[jade62]

I am in a strange sort of a relationship. I divorced last year after 15 years of marriage. I met another divorcée who had been married for 10 years – but had been divorced for a shorter duration than I.
Both of us were clearly out of our respective relationships many years prior to the divorces. She was in a loveless relationship – with an ex who was completely indifferent and unsupportive of her. She has a young son whom she brings up. I have a daughter but she lives with her mother in another country. We had been acquaintances before that but got into a relationship of really connected and became great friends/lovers over several months. She said she cared for me and had feeling for me. But she was adamant that she did not believe in marriage and was not looking for commitment and did not want to hurt me. More recently she has been spending far less time with me, and after the initial about of constant calls and black berry messages early in our relationship we have descended into a sort of friendship zone where we see each other barely now – although we were recently away a couple of weeks ago for a weekend and were intimate. In the intervening period I told her that I might be working away for 6 months but that I would visit whenever I could. I had also in an earlier argument – where I was upset that she was not spending time with me - suggested breaking up. At that point she said she could not be friends only as we had been close and intimate. But I apologized and retracted. Several months on she is now saying she has too much “muddle” in her life – making a living, trying to take care of her son, thinking of a career switch and ensuring that her ex (who is in a serious relationship) plays the role of a responsible father (difficult as he only spends half a day a week with his son), to be in a relationship with me other than of friendship.
She recently told me that with my anticipated departure for work and the previous episode (where I suggested a break up) she had withdrawn into a protective shell. She says as a result while she has “feelings” for me, she kept her emotions in check from that point forward, and does not consequently have the level of feelings that I have for her. She also says that a long distance relationship will not work. I am very much in love with her and she knows it. She also says she cannot consider any other relationship at the moment. However, she says she does not on any account want to lose our friendship. She will not allow it. She even wants to travel with me on vacation. She says that I am a great and kind person – and have restored her faith that there are some good men out there (aside from her marriage she only had one relationship with a professor at college). She says if it were not for timing and circumstances I am ideal in so many respects.
I have told her that I would do anything to make it work. She says “let’s give it space and time“ and maybe in the future things will be clearer for both her and I . I think I am only setting myself up for further heartache and should break off cold turkey. I am afraid if we go on this 10 day vacation together – where we will be intimate I am sure – that I am just worsening my fall. Should I give this relationship/friendship time? Can a woman really go into a protective shell and block off all emotions? Will the trip be an opportunity for me to bring her out of her shell? Is it worth the risk? Am I being naïve? I am quite heart broken. If it adds anything there is a 15 year age gap between the two of us - she is in her mid thirthies and I am the older one.

[Homegirl 50]

Seems to me she wants a friend and traveling companion with benefits and you want something more.

I say go cold turkey and break it off. You have too many feelings invested and she seems to be causal. Tell her the trip won't work and you need to just break it off and get over her.

[jade62]

Thanks. That really helps. Painful as your advise is to hear.

[Homegirl 50]

I wish you well.