[mildredmarie]

My daughter is refusing to contact me because she said I make her feel guilty and she is not responsible for my happiness. She is adopted, 30 years old and a therapist. I feel everything I say has to be scrutinized and picked apart because of my past in that 50 years ago I was abused but rarely think about it and have moved on. She is moving away and I cried and cried and told her that I had hoped to be closer as I am older. She got angy and wished she had told me she would make sure we would see each other, call (which she never does now?) and visit me. All she could see is that I was sad. Was it normal to be sad?
Affter all cried out I will miss her but that is her choice... Her father is just as sad but for some reason .she now refuses to see me unless I see a psycologist. I feel fine, Yes I am sad, Yes I will miss her but I feel she has always taken any joy I may have with her and turn it into something ugly. Like she puts up walls between us since she was a child. I love her, I am proud of her but she always says she is not good enough and I tell her all the time. I am so confused and hurt. I am just going to let things set and maybe she will contact me some day after she moves and settles in. Any ideas for me... I am a Mom who loves her child but cries easily and am hurting right now.

[Alty]

Feeling sad because your adult child is moving away is completely normal. Letting that child see your tears, and therefore feel guilt for moving on, being independent, is not okay.

She feels guilt because you cried, and she feels that she has to be there for you, even though she's 30 and should be allowed to live her own life.

I was also abused as a child, and I too have children of my own. My oldest is almost 14. I often think about the fact that I only have a few years left with him before he moves out, becomes an adult. But, I never let him know that his leaving will make me very sad. He's a child right now, but the entire purpose of being a parent is to raise your kids so that they can one day stand on their own, without you.

You can only hope that you did the best you can do, despite your past issues, and that your children learn to fly.

I would suggest a therapist for you as well. The fact that you mentioned your past abuse, means you're not over it. I'm sure you've mentioned it to your daughter many times, which is why she's suggesting you get help.

I can tell you that neither of my children know about my past, and they never will. It's not something they need to know in order to grow. They only need to know that I love them, support them, and want only the best for them.