[Mello617]

Ive been reading message boards for the past 7 months and now think I may need some online advice. My girlfriend broke up with me 7 months ago, and 3 weeks before our 3 year anniversary, so we were together for almost 3 years. I still can't get over her. Here’s a little background, it will be long so bare with me. First I will start with saying the way things started between us probably spelled doomed from the beginning. My ex is my male cousins child's mother (babymama). Im female and I am a lesbian. They were broken up for several years and she hung around my family at all our gatherings and events and even just to hang out. She was around a lot. Everyone got along with her. I never had any attraction to her throughout that time or ever had any intentions of dating her. She hung around for years, almost like family. During that time I was in a 5 year off and on again relationship with another woman and had recently found out that she was seeing someone else while we were suppose to be working things out. Of course that was a stressful time. Around that time my ex had called my house looking how to find my cousin cause their daughter was in the hospital. That is how the communication between me and my ex began. My cousin was gone and was a deadbeat father so I asked my ex to keep me posted on how her daughter was. We ended up have a few phone convos here and there about things we were going through. During one of those conversations I asked her to braid my hair and she said yes. I went to her house to get my hair braided and while I was there she had mentioned being curious about girls and wanting to go out. I mentioned a party I was going to and she asked to come. So she came. We were at the party, I got really wasted and we started dancing together. Still in my head Im not thinking anything is going to happen between us. After the party I drop her off at home and when I get home she texted me and the texted said “its messed up u left me here all wet and horney, if u come back i will wait for u naked”…. Me being drunk and hurt about my situation I was dealing with and just being reckless I went back to her house. We hooked up. Long story short. I told my cousin what happened and since then we have never been the same. At the time I really liked my ex and really felt like somethingwas there and even though I held onto the guilt of betraying my cousin I still pursued a relationship with her. During our relationship I sometimes had a hard time with feeling like a bad person for being with her but I had fallen and it was hard. Out of respect for my cousin I kept a distance from his daughter and tried to make our relationship separate from that. I also had a few issues with trust because I had hopped from one relationship to another and was bringing some stuff over to it. These were my mistakes, but I was in love with her and I wanted to be with her even though I was struggling with these things. Late Last August my ex went on a trip and while she was gone we got into an argument. When she got back from the trip she said she wanted space. I knew what that meant. I was also scheduled to go on a trip so I gave her the space until I got back from my trip. 5 days later. When I got back from my trip she broke up with me over text, and there were pics of her on fb with a 19 year old girl dancing in the club, she's 30,I'm 32. I of course was shocked. Yes we had disagreements about things but I didn't think it would be to this extreme. WHen I tried to talk to her, she ignored me, didn't want to see me,and wouldn't return my calls. It took two months before we saw each other face to face and during that meet she told me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me, she wanted to date other pple but didn't want to have sex with them but was still sexually attracted to me and wantd to still have sex. I was in complete shock and didn't know what was going on. I tried to talk to her to work things out, nothing. She mentioned my issues with my previous relationship before her and I began going to therapy to work those issues out. I loved her and wanted to do whatever I needed to do to work through this relationship and work it out. WHenever I tried to call her she wouldn't answer to text back. IT was really hard for me and one night I went to her house to try and talk to her. When I got there to talk to her she began yelling at me for showing up to her house and she ended up slapping me and hitting me and telling me she hated me and scratching up my whole face. I was extremely hurt and devastated. I didn't communicate wit her again for a while. SHe began hanging out with my other exs old besfriend who I was cool with but not close with. She was hitting the clubs and doing her. At this time, I just felt like I was being played again and there was someone else. I kept asking her and she kept denying it but I couldn't understand why our love wasn't strong enuf to get through this. For the past 7 months I've been sitting around waiting to see if she will come around. I have been on a few dates and hooked up but it isn't the same. My heart is still with her. Just recently we communicated, she had my playstation at her house. When we talked initially things were good. She said that the break up has been hard and that she did love me and that even though I don't believe her she hasn't seen anyone else. She said I could come get my playsation. WHen I texted her for it she told me she was running errand (sat) and she wasn't planning on being home until Monday. I live far from her so going on Monday is too much. I asked if her 14 yr old son would be home I can get it from him and she said he wasn't home and would be gone all weekend too. Well I happened to be in her area later in the day and I saw her lights on so I figured I could stop and grab the ps then. WHen I got to her house her son was home. He gave me the playstation and I left. She called me ten minutes later yelling at me for going to her house and telling me that she hated me and that I was lucky her son didn't say what he wantd to say because he hates me and that she would never be with me again and she hates me and she would never want to bemy friend and because of me she can't love the next person. Ive always had this feeling that there is someone else but I haven't been able to prove it. But when she went off on me it and the way she did it made me feel like she was saying those things in front of that person. She said she didn't want to hear from me again and to never contact her again. I told her that I love her and all I wanted to do was fix our problems and make things betteer but she doesn't want that so I will respect her wishes and never contact her again. That was yesterday. I am hurt. Any hope I had is gone. I'm not perfect I know that but I wanted to make things right,to fix our problems, I love her unconditionally and wanted to just get through this. But I can't force her. Its been 7 months and I haven't moved on…. There's not a day I don't think about her. Help

[EvolLove88]

First you shouldn't have went to her house without her consent and second if you guys have a relationship that is that disrespectful then it's time to move on. If she wants to be with someone then so be it. Take what uve learned an apply it to the next relationship or just your life in general. Jus because you aren't over her doesn't mean you need to pursue anything with her it may mean that you don't need to look for anything with anyone. Take time to enjoy yourself and get to know you again. Make yourself happy and deal with past issues that you forgot to and when you meet someone else ( which should be awhile) take it slow. And know its hard but it can be done. You said at the end that alls she wanted was a sexual relationship and that's also how it started so maybe that's all you ever had and you were just to blind to see it. So with the next one take it slow. Take time to get to know each other and appreciate each other. All of that is what makes the relationship and sex is just the bonus. A relationship solely based on sex will never work unless both people are aware and agree to those circumstances in the beginning

[WisperWill70]

How many more times will you have to be hit in the face with reality (and her punches and slaps) before you realize that she has moved on from you and - even worse... has a terrible way of dealing with relationships.
She has her life and meanwhile, you're waiting for her to come around.
It's not going to happen.

Hopping from one relationship to another and hanging on and holding on isn't healthy for you -- you have to love YOU first -- have you ever wondered why you keep attracting these dead ends? It's because you haven't allowed yourself to get in touch with yourself or process the endings of your relationships.

Don't work on your issues with relationship to win her back -- do it for you! Have you ever asked yourself why you keep beating down the locked door?

Next time - take it slow... give yourself some time to face the closure of one chapter before moving on to the next. Make no mistake about it - for now, this one is closed.

Good luck

[Mello617]

Thank you guys for taking the time to read my post and reply. I agree with the comments that have been posted and although my brain has this knowledge I still find it hard. Its like my brain and heart do not match. I have definitely learned a lot about myself and can see myself getting better everyday but its still difficult. I yearn to go a complete day without thinking about her... and I know I'm mentally torturing myself but its difficult to do. When I love I love hard... and unconditionally so having to force myself to stop loving her has been the hardest part... but I know I must love me now. I have mixed emotions... but most of all I'm just really disappointed... I have to move on... I just wish I knew how... this is the longest I've ever been single... I don't know what to really do... I'm so used my life being about my woman and her kids that I don't know what to do with myself half the time... this is sad and pathetic... I'm just not built to stay defeated like this... but for now... this is just how I feel...

[durpstick]

Don't feel that way man! I just got out of a 4 year. And yes I loved her with all my heart. But you NEED to drop it. I didn't even read your whole post, but what I did catch is that you have put this girl on some sort of pedestal. I know this seems impossible to you right now, but force thought of her out of your head, think of anything else. Pick up some new hobbies, go on vacation, go sleep with someone! What I'm going to say to you may seem cold and insensitive, but its time for you to man up!

[WisperWill70]

"I love her unconditionally" isn't really true though is it? If that was true.. your unconditional heart would want her to be happy in the way that's right for her (doin' her thing!) and you would let her go because you see that's what SHE wants and is capable of.

Holding on is *not* an act of loving or loving hard. You need to get that straight. Torturing yourself is not loving, pestering her is not loving. Hanging on to what you want in the face of reality isn't loving.

Ask yourself what the loving thing to do is... it's to get yourself back into life. Yes it hurts and sometimes your head and heart will not match up... but you can focus on you, some stuff you like to do and hook up with new and interesting people. Do work on yourself though or this pattern will repeat.

Good luck!

[Mello617]

Thanks guys for the advice. Ive taken all taken all the advice to heart and have been feeling a lot better. She accidentally texted me the other morning. It said this

Her: GM hun!
Me: lol wrong person
Her: ooooops wrong person!
Me: I know
Her: lmaooo
Me: have a good day
Her: (in spanish) and you too

After that exchange I realized that I didn't no longer need to hold onto someone so evil like that. I do not believe that text was accidental but more of a way to make me jealous... and for ten seconds I almost fell into it but then realized when someone tries to hurt you like that on purpose they def don't need to be in your life. So I am in a good place. I do think of her but its fading. Ive taken pples advice and have been doing some fun things... so life goes on. Thank you all for your advice... Im closing this chapter in my life. I know I tried my best and that's all I can do... this will not be the last time I find love... I know that. She lost one...

[mmresd]

Go no contact and let time keep doing it's job. If you have no contact with her time will make those feelings die, sometimes it takes a while, I like to think it takes about half the time the relationship lasted to get over him/her completely. Remain strong and make sure not to talk to her, it will only prolong the pain.

[Mello617]

So Ive been going no contact since that last text. On Friday during my lunch break she called me 3 times... I allowed all three to go to voicemail even though I wanted to pick it up... why is is calling me>>

[durpstick]

Try not to give in and respond, just keep strong!