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ellieco · Feb 27, 2007, 07:30 PM

I filed for a divorce from a man I was married to for 14 years (my second marriage). I am soon to be 63 and the reason I divorced him was he kept all of our financial records from me and we ended up in bankruptcy. He also had a drinking problem, which he would not address. He has always been true to me (no cheating). He was always very thoughtful and considerate. We still correspond by email and I met him for dinner when I was back in his town. He really missesd me and wants me back terribly, and is so sorry for everything. I am having a very difficult time forgetting him. I think of him all the time and love him very deeply... he and I were best friends also. I just don't know how to handle this. I am now living with my daughter and her family which is very comfortable. I have my own space. They have been very good to me... but I am still miserable.

What next?

shygrneyzs · Feb 27, 2007, 07:46 PM

Talk to him, ask him every question you can think of. Ask him why he withheld the financial information from you. Find out if he is still drinking. If the drinking is a stumbling block, you can tell him you expect him to get alcohol treatment.

Right now he is so sorry for everything. It is easy to be sorry now. I guess I would not hold the door wide open for his return. If he agrees to start the alcohol treatment and agrees to go to couples counseling, by all means, encourage him and participate. But no promises. Except the one that you make to yourself - protect your own self from being hurt. Keep your eyes wide open and all your sensors alert and on "stun" if need be.

ordinaryguy · Mar 1, 2007, 02:07 PM

In my opinion, your reasons for getting a divorce are good ones, and unless and until they are faced up to and worked on sincerely and consistently over a period, you ahould not go back into the relationship. Encourage him to get help, go with him to counselling if you want to, but like shygrneyzs says, no promises.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 1, 2007, 02:35 PM

Post break up, it can become really easy to forget about what it was like and who you had become while you were being buried alive in what sounds like a really huge mess he created. Think back on ALL of it, to be fair to you both. You knew he is too sick for relationship material without a significant change and that is why you left him-- write that down if necessary to remind yourself. Know that without this significant change that needs to be initiated by him and for himself, not you (which is way more than just being regretful, okay?) you WILL end up there again if you were to return to him. Anyone would. Let him go knowing that if he cleans it up at his end and looks you up one fine day, your heart would give him a fair shake. But I wouldn't hold out good odds for that, so don't build any hopes on intangibles. Spare yourself this heartache, keep a no contact policy and let the grieving process begin. I am so sorry for your loss.

lacuran8626 · Mar 4, 2007, 02:59 PM

Originally Posted by ellieco

I filed for a divorce from a man I was married to for 14 years (my second marriage). I am soon to be 63 and the reason I divorced him was he kept all of our financial records from me and we ended up in bankruptcy. He also had a drinking problem, which he would not address. He has always been true to me (no cheating). He was always very thoughtful and considerate. We still correspond by email and I met him for dinner when I was back in his town. He really missesd me and wants me back terribly, and is so sorry for everything. I am having a very difficult time forgetting him. I think of him all the time and love him very deeply...he and I were best friends also. I just don't know how to handle this. I am now living with my daughter and her family which is very comfortable. I have my own space. They have been very good to me...but I am still miserable.

What next?

He has a drinking problem, kept your financial information secret from you and put you into a state of bankruptcy. It's hard to be alone - I know, I am too. The thing is, it's lonlier to be in a relationhip with someone who brings untenable problems into your life than it is to be alone. He is not your only option.

I suggest you cut off the contact with him because he is playing your emotions pretty well, but has likely not changed in th key areas that you found before you could not live with. Do not repeat your mistakes.

Close the door on him, open a window somewhere else. If you are lonely, I would suggest you use a service like Match.com or something along those lines, to meet some new men. Don't repeat a mistake that you already paid for once.