[Moonflower]

My husband is athletic, friendly, flirtatious, outgoing, and very straight-acting. I always wonder about my husband's sexuality and I can drive myself crazy about this. He has given me his answer : he says that he is 95 percent straight and 5 percent gay. (I really want him to be 100 percent straight.) He had sex with a guy, B, once when he was in college and said that he was happy to have done it because he is now more sure about his sexuality then anybody else. He said he hated the experience and he had to get drunk to do it just so he could get the curiosity out of the way. He also said that "B" is not very good-looking - I know B and I agree he is not good-looking. I guess in my mind I always wonder if B were good-looking, would my husband have enjoyed sex with him? I am so obsessed about this topic because my husband is constantly surrounded by gay men due to the nature of his job. Many of them have shown interest in him and my husband is definitely very flattered by the attention - I find this annoying. I even find some of his good friends as potential threats (I know I need help... I am going to post another question about this). He goes to gay bars (with his gay colleagues after rehearsals, that is) and gay bookstores. I know about this because he lets me know. But he did keep this from me and I got this out from him during one of our heated arguments about sexuality. He was with a few of his gay friends and apparently, my husband asked if they could put on gay porn for him for he was curious about gay porn. He said nothing happened and that he was just plain curious. I believe him that nothing happened but that incident just hurts me.

My problem is that I have a hard time understanding bisexuals. I don't know if one would consider my husband a bisexual. He says he is straight no matter what his fantasies are. He says he loves looking at women too much. He says he would never settle down with a man because he would be thinking about having sex with a woman all the time. When we have sex, its always been great. So how can I just let go of these thoughts - how can I stop questioning his sexuality. And how can I accept bisexuality? I do feel like maybe I am homophobic to some extent because of my husband! I mean, if my son says he is gay one day, I will totally accept it, I wouldn't foolishly try to change him; instead I would find ways to have him celebrate his new found self.

I know its possbile that one can be attracted to the same sex for purely sexual reasons. I, for one, have fantasies about lesbian sex but would never act upon it or even do anything about it. I know this all came about from watching porn. I am very content with having straight sex though. I feel really bad that I have to question my husband's sexuality. I resent him for that and I don't know how to have peace. He knows how I feel - but he is tired of this. I probably wore him out. Help!

[lisa123]

I don't think you have much to worry about. Usually when your younger you have a lot more curiosity and want to experiment. Plus he said he had to get really drunk to do it. So he must not of wanted it that bad if he wanted to get drunk. And the attention he's getting from work.. well think about it.. he's a guy right.. all guys love getting attention no matter who its from. I don't think your husband is gay or bisexual.. but you never know if he is it would be fun to ask him for a three some.. lol.just kidding. If it is still bothering you a lot then you should just talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. Good luck with everything

[Northwind_Dagas]

"My problem is that I have a hard time understanding bisexuals."
"I, for one, have fantasies about lesbian sex"

Those two statements would seem to be in conflict. I don't think this has much to do about you wondering about your husband's sexuality. He's made it clear that he prefers to be with women, but still has curiosities about men.

I think this is more about you being jealous. I think you just need to make sure that your husband understands that sexual relations with ANYONE would be cheating, and that you would be hurt. He needs to know that there is no gray area here. As long as he understands that, you should trust him. If you don't trust him, there are other issues besides sexuality involved in the relationship.

[smoothy]

Unless he likes men AND women he's not bisexual. If he only gets excited looking at women he's straight.

[Drusus]

As long as you feel he is attracted to you, I would suggest trying to put your fears to rest. In a way, it doesn't matter who else he is attracted to, as long as he is faithful to you, as long as you know that no matter who might pop into his head, he pops into your bed.

Here's a though experiment: is infidelity with a man or a woman any less infidelity? It's easier to think of gay sex as infidelity because the target of affection is "the other"- very different from you, whereas a women, you could fall back on obvious similarities between you and another female.

However, if you are okay with him viewing porn, try to be okay with him looking at any porn, and if you are okay with him fantasizing about others, let him fantasize about others. As long as he stays true to you, and the chemistry is there, I believe you're in good shape. Maybe the 5% gay part might be the interesting side of him! As long as he's 100% your husband.

[EnglishRose]

Personally I think you husband sounds very happy, open and honest about his sexuality. I think this is great. Even when he knows it could cause grief he still tells you. I see this as a sign of a very comfortable and open relationship. To fantasize about somebody of the same sex and to enjoy porn does not make you gay. I don't even think that to have sex with somebody while in college makes you gay either. When I was 17 I experimented a little because I was a very sexual person, and wanted to try everything (not EVERYTHING obviously!) but I am not gay. If your husband has had so many opportunities to be with men and hasn't so why do you think he will now?
Even if, worst case scenario, he is bisexual, do you really think he would be unfaithful? Everyone has fantasies but if they will endanger your marriage then you don't act on them. If your husband had thoughts about a man he is no more likely to cheat than he is if he sees an attractive young woman in her twenties walking about in a short skirt.
I really think you need to relax about this, you must trust him or you wouldn't have married him. Asking him questions about it constantly will only irritate him and cause him to feel he cannot talk to you about this.
After all he doesn't worry about you fantasing about women.

[jpburk]

The best thing I can do for myself when it comes to being jealous is look up jealousy in the bible I have to do so because I am a very jealous person I hate that I am this way and when my thoughts and my mind won't stop racing I go to the bible and look up jealousy I have learned that nothing good can come of jealousy and that it only tears a relationship apart I also have to tell myself that I trust my husband and I had to let my husband know I trusted him this is what works for me