[fozzyJ]

[edited for clarity]

Hello guys, its my first time writing here.

I have only been in a relationship twice in my life. That was through high school. I got my heart broken both of these times, and lost trust in women. Since then I have just been sleeping with women that had become my 'friends with benefits' but no emotional connection with any of them. While I was working downtown, I had a fling with one of my coworkers at a restaurant and little to my knowledge would it turn to something else. Her name was Mya. Since we worked together, it was a little awkward at first. I do not recommend it to anybody else.

All my coworkers at my restaurant were really close together; it was like a family. As some of you may know, working at a restaurant requires working almost up to 60 hours a week. So we all saw each others' faces A LOT, and got enough time to bond. We ALL were young, were making good money so we used to go out and drink almost every night. Me and Mya would go out with our friends, get totally hammered, go clubbing, we did coke, and MDMA [Ecstasy -ed] as well and wound up back at her place some nights to have sex. This went on for about 4 months. Still no feelings just happy having fun together.

One night though she ended up getting fired, because of some problems with another dude at work who tried raping her. Yeah crazy story. That day I brought her a bottle of gin to cheer her up. I got sloppy around this time, started coming to work drunk, and eventually walked out of the job. I told everyone it was because of the boss, but I think deep down it was because of her.

Around this time, both me and her started hanging out together a lot, and we both did a lot of coke together as well. We would go on adventures throughout the city, look for new restaurants and try them out. Be with one another for about a month.

It was then when I noticed I kind of really liked this girl, the way me and her just clicked, and she was like my other half. I've always been the type of guy to dig through dirt and look for gold. Through all the bull, I saw gold in her. She was a lonely girl, the type of girl who had superficial friends, the type of girl who would run away from problems. For some reason oddly enough, I was attracted to her because of my belief that I COULD change her, show her how beautiful she really is.

I dropped all the other girls I had during that time and focused SOLELY on her. That messed me up, caused me to become an emotional wreck to say the least. She ended up going back to her home country..

The last couple of weeks she was here we bonded even more, and I got to the point where I felt I was being emotionally distraught. I know it was my own fault. So I cut things off with her. To my surprise, I found out later from a waiter she had showed up at my restaurant, waited for me for an hour, but I had already gone home. The next day she did the same thing, but I was at the bar with my buddies. She texted me and we ended up meeting and talking about the reason she was going to her home country, which was because of me. She is scared of love as I am too.

I become an emotional wreck. We ended up spending the last couple of nights together. On her last night, me and some friends went out. Got really drunk, there were a lot of tears at the airport.

So now here I am. I miss her but am not sure why. I meet other girls, but for whatever reason. I have trust issues or something, but just can't seem to like them.

We still talk through email, but I don't think I can do that. Just hurts sometimes, and I don't understand why I even care, and why I even miss her, why I always think of the things we did. I am a wild one, and so was she.

In my mind I have problems letting go and always give myself excuses not to. I need to learn how.

[talaniman]

I think in time you will adjust your outine to getting use to being without her. Its always an a task to begin to regroup when people we had a good time with leave our lives. Time will eventually let you move to the next adventure, or event in your life.

Letting go is hard for most of us, you are not alone.