[faithmarler]

I have been married to my husband for the past 3 years. And I have a 22 month old son with my husband. Ever since I got married to my husband my step daughter has been very rude, disrespectful and mean to me. I have tried all I could to make her realize that I care about her, and that she is a part of me and my husband. She is my husband's daughter and my son's step sister, so she is part of our family. But all my efforts has been in vain. She went around destroying my image to her friends, and other family members. She tries everything scheme she has up her sleeves to compete with me for my husband's affection, as if we are rivals.
When I had my son, I had C-section, I returned home and 2 days later my step daughter wanted a fight with me, that same night she nearly killed my son with the TV remote control. I did not call the police on her, because I felt my husband will think I hate his daughter.
I have spoken to my husband in different occasion about this issue, but he shoves it aside, saying my step daughter has bipolar. This has been the excuse. He said I should always let it pass. I also told him about how my step daughter told me that she pretends just to get her way. But my husband still feels that his Daughter has no ill feelings towards me.
This is so difficult, because at every given opportunity she just wants to humiliate me.
My Step daughter will be 24 years old in December. My step daughter's mother died when she was 11 months old. So she has no mom. I have tried everything to show love and care, but nothing is working.
I love my husband and family, but I need advice on how to deal with this issue. I have tried being gentle, kind, patient and thoughtful towards my step daughter. She has even threatened to poison me and nobody will ever find out she did it, and nobody will find out about what she poisoned me with. I do not want her to hurt my son or I.
My husband always tells me that I should not pay any attention to her that she is just joking, but in my heart I feel she is serious. Everybody thinks I am over reacting. But they all take her side by pointing out to me that she has bipolar. She has been living with her grandmother for the past 1 year. But right now my mother in-law is traveling to Connecticut to spend the summer with her other son, and she wants my step daughter to come live with my husband, myself and my 22 month old son.
I do not want to leave my husband because of my step daughter. I really do not know what to do. I want Peace of mind in my marriage and in my home, but I am so tired of my step daughter’s drama.
What should I do in this situation?
Faith.

[andrewjg]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like there is a lot of jealousy going on, on your stepdaughters side of things. You think, she probably feels like you are trying to replace her or her father is. I was in a similar situation when my mother had a baby with my stepfather when I was 12, I hated my step father because of it. A baby takes a lot of time up for you and your husband and hencefourth there is not that much time in which you can spend with your stepdaughter. If you wish to build bridges in this case, maybe you could try taking her out shopping for the day just you and your stepdaughter, ask her what her worries are talk to her like an adult and she will open up.

Hope this helps somewhat.

Andy

[Jake2008]

When was the last time this young woman was seen by a Doctor? If she has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and her behaviour is as bad as you say, she needs to be assessed.

To do what your husband suggests- and just put up with it, is not helping his daughter, his marriage, and you personally. Let alone the baby, who is also subject to his daughter's violence.

To wrap up all that is happening with her as 'just' a consequence of a mental disorder, is to stick one's head in the sand. To further suggest that you just put up with it, is very disrespectful to you as he's essentially saying YOU are the one with the problem.

And for you not to protect yourself (the death threat tells me she's getting worse, not better), and protect your baby, is not the right thing to do.

Having a mental illness, such as she has, is not an excuse to abuse others, or threaten others, regardless of what her reasons are. It's a bit much that at age 24 she needs her father's attention to this extent!

I would advice differently if this young woman was 16. But she herself is well aware that she is not well, and is quite able by the sounds of things, to accept and want to be better- such as she would be with a diagnosis, medication, and counselling.

With your husband enabling her behaviour, and not dealing with what is going on with you, it is time to set some boundaries and expectations.

I would suggest counselling for you and your husband, so that you will have an opportunity to be heard, and he will have an opportunity to learn that his own behaviour is negatively affecting not only his marriage, but his daughter as well.

Let him know that you will call the police the next time she attacks you, or your son, or if she threatens you. When she is charged, apply for a restraining order. To not take immediate action, puts you at risk, and your baby at risk.

You need to know too, that you are wrong in not taking action, regardless of what your husband says. If he won't do something when your life is threatened, he's not likely to suddenly come around on his own.

I imagine there has been a very long history with his daughter, that happened long before you came into the picture. It is his responsibility to ensure that his family is protected, and his responsibility- not yours- to make sure his daughter's behaviour doesn't go unchecked.