[SomeoneElse111]

I have never done anything like this, but here it goes.

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a month, but I have known her for a few years before. There was always some chemistry between us.

A few months ago, my girlfriend mentioned that she thought that I wasn't feeling the same as her.. and asked if I love her.
I couldn't answer straight away. I thought I did, but I needed to make sure before I said anything. I thought hard and tried to look for evidence, I still thought I did, but the problem is that the harder I looked, the more evident it was that you cannot quantify love.

I told her all of my thoughts, and we talked about everything.
We have always been able to, but since then we have been pretty rough.

I started relieving therapy a month ago because I want to stop being depressed. I have been depressed on and off (mostly on) for the good part of 6 years, but have never done much about it. I really do hope that my relationship issues are linked to my depression, because at least I know that I can get over my depression in some form.

My girlfriend is also a depressive person, which does get me down at times, but without it she wouldn't be the person she is, which is a wonderful one.

The last month or two, we have become pretty short tempered with each other on occasion, although I cannot say that we have ever had a fight.
Things have just sort of faded away. She still loves me, and I believe she does, but I never really see it anymore. She has hardened herself in a defense of what may happen, and I understand that.

Sometimes I feel that I should break up with her because I don't feel much there anymore, but I can't. I don't want to leave her. I don't want to look for new people. I don't want to find someone to replace her. I don't think anyone could replace her.

As of today, we are on a break for an unstated length of time.
We have to try something to try to change this stalemate.
I am having trouble breaking all communication and staying out of her life.

I really don't want to break up, but I am going to try to work out why.
I think that is the answer she is looking for as well... but the more I look, the more I just have to guess..
Perhaps I just want her as a fallback.. but I don't want anyone else.
Perhaps I just don't want to admit to myself that everything is lost.
Perhaps I just want her all to myself, and don't want someone else to have her, even if we are unhappy.
Perhaps I am lying to myself because this is not "how it should be"
Perhaps I DO love her, and I am having trouble justifying that to myself.
Perhaps I am trying to tell myself I love her just to give me motivation to try to get it to work.

I loved the times where I didn't think about it.
It all just happened. It was great.
I don't want to have to forget about her to move on.
I don't want to move on.

Why does it feel like the magic is lost?
How could I possibly work out how I feel?
How do I know that I am being honest with myself?

[valinors_sorrow]

Let me begin by saying upfront that what I think I hear in all that you said doesn't have an easy answer. You are asking some good questions. Maybe with some context-type information you'll stand a better chance at figuring it out.

When someone begins to heal any kind of mental or emotional aspect of themselves (like depression) it frequently puts our relationships (of all kinds too) in a bit of a crunch. It is because, as wacky as this sounds, those relationships were formed and largely successful when we were sick and getting well changes everything. Its why healing and changing is so challenging. I have lost friends along the way simply because they could not accommodate the new and improved me and the first time that happened stunned me.

It is how Al-Anon was born from AA. The original members were getting sober but the divorce rate was shooting through the roof! Turns out the spouses had been so affected by the alcoholism too, they needed help and help that was specific to them.

Now when you add that your girlfriend is like how you were and she doesn't appear to be getting any help... I can easily imagine that there is a definite feeling on her part of being left behind. If I may ask, is she open to seeking any help herself? It may be that recovery from depression needs to be a joint effort kind of thing here or the gap that gets created will be difficult to manage.

I hope you'll find this food for thought. And good for you for seeking help -- they call that courage in my circles.

[SomeoneElse111]

Thank you for your reply.

I am yet to really know if my girlfriend really does want to help herself, and I really do regret to say that it is probably something that worries me the most.

That aside, I have just been thinking. I want to make sure that I am doing what I believe is what I feel.
Currently my concern is that I am only with her because she loves me, and I really want to be loved, or even that we just know each other so well and I want that.

Perhaps it's just the easiest thing for me to to at this stage (being with her again)
And if I were not with her, chances are I would feel like I have to fill the void she would rather have been in with no one but herself. That was a crude way of saying it, but I really cannot see myself with anyone else but her, and I do not want to either.

We have been in contact, it's hard to just stop being in touch after so long.
I want to go see her, but I am resisting for the good of the relationship.
But I do not think the break is really setting in yet, I find myself planning things to get her for easter which I think I want to get her even if we do fall apart.

I am still confused about what I really do feel and if it is genuine.
Thank you again for your comment, I really didn't think about the aspect you mentioned, and I am definitely keeping that in mind.

Thanks

[valinors_sorrow]

I think what I hear you saying now is you two are broken up but it was done in a confusing, unclear way and so no one is sure how to proceed. The way I tend to see those situations is the break up could use some clarifying and honoring. While I can understand someone's reluctance to let go, believe it or not, it is the shortest path to less pain for everyone involved.

We often see people here who are stalling the situation just past a break up and what it turrns out they are holding up is the healing that comes after its ended. Its rather like the person who comes to visit but spends an inordinate amount of time saying goodbye -- what good is that?

If the two of you have ended your relationship, I would suggest you honor that with no contact, not in a hostile way, just in a respectful way -- respectful to everyone's feelings. Find your solice among family and friends instead of each other. Be careful with yourself for some time. Its good that you can recognize that you need to be alone as this ensures you won't jump into a rebound relationship. Allow the grieving process to begin and run its course. I am sorry for your loss.

[talaniman]

If you were as honest with her as you where here, then working together and getting this break in clear terms would help you both, at least know the rules. With clarity there can be healing for you both. Either together or individually apart from each other.

[SomeoneElse111]

To her, our relationship has been slowly fading over months. I thought it was getting better step by step as I try to proceed with therapy (which she suggested) but I guess I was wrong.

Although I did question what I felt and believed a lot of the time, since I have no real proof of either.

I know that I should just let go and not be in contact, but it doesn't feel right.
She said that she wants to be with me, and I want to be with her. I don't understand what we are waiting for over this break. Hopefully find each other again, I guess.

I don't know if right now I would be able to see her in new light.
Perhaps over time I may be able to, but I feel that I cannot risk being away from her for too long. I don't want this chapter of my life to end, and I don't want to risk her growing apart from me.

I spoke to her again today (yes, I know I shouldn't, but it is hard.. and we are going to an arranged outing on Friday anyway.. so we will be in touch then)

If I knew walking away would make either of us happy, I would.
I just don't feel it would make us happy.
Maybe we both need to heal to be happy.. but how do you know that is the case.
What about "happy couples", someone could just say that they would be even happier apart, after they get over it.. but when the chips fall, you may find it to be wrong.

I am sorry, I am having trouble believing everything right now.
It is no offense to you at all. Really, I thank you for your input.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am sorry for any confusion I may have added in here as that was not my intention. I can only say that for me remaining in some kind of ill defined limbo-- neither actively healing the relationship together nor actively separating so that individual healing may occur-- is the path of most suffering and I would wish that on no one. It is of course your decision and I honor that. Much good luck to you both.

[SomeoneElse111]

Thank you. I really do understand what you are saying.
Maybe I just can't bring myself to see that just yet.

Thank you.

[talaniman]

Thank you. I really do understand what you are saying.
Maybe I just can't bring myself to see that just yet.

Thank you.

You are in a lot of pain and I hear the frustration. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing, so take all the time you need.

[SapphireChild]

I think the break is a good idea. Me and my boyfriend went on one a couple months ago, and yes, we still did communicate. We were both having doubts about the relationship and it was I who proposed it. After a couple weeks, I was laying in my bed and realized that he's the kind of guy I've always wanted, and I'd be a fool to give that up. Although we've still got problems like any other relationship, we're still stronger than we have ever been.

Now, let me assure you, love is not always sunshine and butterflies. Dull moments are completely normal, and when they happen, there is no need for alarm. I agree entirely that you cannot quantify love, but I also believe that love isn't necessarily something that you feel. I view it as a deep commitment toward someone, and that no matter what that person says or does, your feelings will never change toward them. She probably feels like you don't feel the same way toward her, because with women, actions usually speak louder than words. To her, your efforts most likely reflect the depth of your love, and if you don't seem to be showing much care, she will probably assume that your feelings for her are dwindling.

If you guys make it out of this "break" I recommend that you and her just go off for a few days and do something fun and adventurous. It will get the two of you out of the routine aspect of being in a relationship and provide you with an oppurtunity to laugh and have a good time without the pressure of your relationship being under constant scrutiny by both of you.

Most importantly: Stay positive. Some of the strongest relationships I've seen have made it through times similar to these.