[kjohnston]

I have been with them both before. N, the first I have known for around 3 years. We are close and he was my first love. Although he broke up with me many times for other girls I still seem to love him. And recently I've found out he's been lying the whole way through our relationship. And yet I still love him.. During one of these break ups for another girl I met a guy. Call him A. A was lovely, and so sweet. Unlike any guy you'd ever meet. We had similar family situations so we could relate about that. I loved talking to him. During one of mine and Ns relationships I cheated on N with A.. I've never regretted anything so much in my life. Hate myself for it and rightly so.. It took a while, but I broke up with N for A. I was completely in love with A. Later, I found out A had been cheating on me and another girl.. Dating us both.. I was devastated, everything had been so perfect. I broke up with him for a short while, I was so hurt. And tried to get me back in that time, but I was still so in love with A. I got back with A, but things weren't the same. I just didn't have the trust any more. Later N got upset so I tried to comfort him, as a best friend would with any friend but A found out through the girl he cheated on me with and broke up with me.. He got so jealous. He asked me out and I said yes again.. But every time I talked to N and A knew he would get so jealous and he would yell at me..

In the middle of that relationship (around 6 months not counting cheating) my mum contracted breast cancer. I was a wreck and relied on both guys heavily. They were both great and so supportive.

Towards the end of mine and A's relationship I started to get really down, couldn't cope with everything, but I had to be strong for A. Later I just broke down, I couldn't cope with A's mad jealousy, I thought he needed a break. He said "I don't do breaks" he broke up with me because I kept suggesting it, I thought we would be okay, but I found out through Facebook that he got into a relationship with the girl he cheated on me with. I got back together with N. And I was happy, N made me so happy. But I still had feelings for A. So I broke up with N to get my head straight. A started to cheat on the girl with me again. I stopped him and told him to back off, and that I wasn't ready for a relationship with him again. Now both guys are after me. A is changing for me, but he's not the same guy I fell in love with. He's miserable. And N's miserable now because I won't show any affection to him.

My head is now a complete mess and I've lost all trust between A and N. they are constantly fighting.. I don't want to hurt either. I don't want to play games.. it feels so bad to have them both just hanging there waiting. I feel like I'm playing them off each other somehow from just talking to them..

I just want to get my head sorted out. My feelings are so mixed. Please read this even if it's long.. I need advice.

Thank you.

[talaniman]

Sorry you keep chosing these cheaters, and I highly suggest you stay out of all relationships until your head is on better. Then maybe you will make better coices than cheaters.

When your heart causes you so much misery then stop listening to it. Use your head instead.