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justlivin2009 · May 9, 2012, 10:23 AM

First a little background... I have been married for 22 years. We have 3 beautiful girls. I have been "caught" watching or attempting to watch porn 5 separate times. The last time she caught me was over a year ago. Since then I have been sleeping on the couch in the family room. She has said if it were not for the kids she would get a divorce. She has also said that I need to "win" her back or pursue her. I have tried to do things like leave little notes that I am thinking about her and those type of things but it does not matter. Each time we have a discussion about this it all goes back to "I have not done anything" and what I did to her. She has also said it is going to take a long time for her to work through the hurt.

Now she is going out with friends and staying out all night. She has said they are just friends but I know the majority of them are guys. If I say anything it all goes back to what I have done to her. The girls know we(their mother and I) are working on some issues but it still hurts them to see it.

Last night she stayed out all night for the first time on a weekday. She normally takes the girls to school at 8. The girls called me at 7:50 asking where she was.

I do still love her and want to fix this but I do not know what to do. I am not the most romantic person in the world for sure. Our 22nd anniversary was on the 5th of May and although I did get her a present she basically ignored it. She has also stated our whole marriage has been bad.

What would you do in this situation?

Fr_Chuck · May 9, 2012, 10:51 AM

First who "caught" you watching porn, some of the young children ?

If she caught you, she should not have to catch you, you want to watch porn you do, that is her issue not yours. Men, ( most) watch porn, a wife will often watch it together with the husband as part of foreplay If she has a porn issue, tell her not to try and catch you.

Next you move back to the bed and tell her that if she wants to sleep on the couch, there it is, sorry but at this point, she is the only one doing anything "wrong"

Next I would tell her that the two of you need to go to counseling. Next tell her that staying out all night is not a good example for the kids, nor is you sleeping on the couch.

Often staying together is worst example for the kids, than separating.

none12345 · May 9, 2012, 07:23 PM

Sounds like you are being used. She wants you to pursue you, sounds like she wants to have all the power and get you to do whatever she wants. The fact that she neglects her responsibility as a mother, should tell you a lot about her character and the fact that she is always out all night, might indicate she might be involved with someone else. I don't want to say to break up with her because that is your discretion but personally I would not tolerate this if I were in your situation.

CoruptedAngel · May 9, 2012, 10:02 PM

I'm a female and have porn issues with my boyfriend but your wife is being "Ridiculous"! The porn issue I have is my issue and I am working on that where me and him can enjoy it as a couple. As you can find on here.

I agree you tell her there is the couch and she can sleep on it you are sleeping in the bed!! Another thing it would take one time for my kids to call me asking "Where is he/she"!! Oh my gosh!! She is a mom and that is not good behavior!!

Also I agree do not leave her (just yet anyway) but talk to her and get counseling ASAP! If she will not do that and will not work on her behavior etc then yes leave her. Putting you on the couch and staying out all night with men or women like she is doing is wrong for you and the kids.

You are a man and will watch porn for some reason that's the way men are. Some women like it and some women don't. But her form of "punishment" is rather one sided and savage. My man is worth me working on problem. As he would rather watch with me than without me so I'm working on "MY" issue not his :)

I hope this helps you :)

WisperWill70 · May 10, 2012, 01:26 AM

It sounds like your wife is bombing your relationship with some shaky parenting and even shakier partnering skills. While porn is a big bugaboo to some women, to me it seems like she is using this issue to excuse distance she already feels on some other level. In her attempt to get you to take responsibility for all the things wrong with your relationship and all the "wrongs" you've done, she's made you an emotional scapegoat and an "enemy" so that when she punishes you, (you sleep on the couch, she stays out all night) she doesn't have to look at her role in the relationship whole. If YOU are the bad guy, she doesn't have to take responsibility for her feelings.

If you're the bad guy, she doesn't have to look at the ways in which she is being faithless (emotional or real) to YOU. Another demonstration of how she is abandoning you is that she is holding you to both demands and expectations "You've gotta PROVE to me that you can and you've got to PURSUE me.. work for it!" but if you think about it... her expectations in this case are endless and can't be fulfilled and she is acting on an unsustainable cycle of revenge and control. (Her demands, by the way, will always show whatever she isn't giving you... or herself).

Where is all this anger and hurt coming from? If she's hurting this badly and feels so unloved why? Is it really the porn? Is she trying to make you the bad guy because she wants to leave the marriage and doesn't want to be the bad guy by being the one to leave? Is she trying to hurt you in equal proportion to how she feels betrayed or rejected?

Porn is just visual stimulation and a lot (if not most) guys partake. But for her, it might represent a deeper weedier issue about being rejected or not being good enough to be loved. If she believes she's not "good enough" in her own mind you can bet she's going to feel the same about about others. (you, the kids, life, etc)

Get into marriage counseling to get out from under all these projections of hers and to get to the meat of the issue. She feels unloved and lost on some level and you guys now need some help to reconnect and really come to the place where you both can listen and communicate without attacking and defending. She's asking for help.

The pattern as it is now is a recipe for disaster and it's not good for you, her or the kids. Get help.

WisperWill70 · May 10, 2012, 01:40 AM

I would add to the above... that "Getting help" may be help in deciding to end your marriage. Counseling can help you both decide if there's anything worth saving, of course... but it seems like she may already be determined in that direction. If so... it may be healthier and better for all involved .

Best of luck to you and your family!

joypulv · May 10, 2012, 05:50 AM

This is the kind of story I won't take sides on. On the face of it, she is being worse than you, but we don't know if the porn is the crux of the issue or if your lack of showing love, appreciation, respect, and admiration is (aside from little notes, which sound sweet but without any words to her face and touching her, are kind of pitiful). In fact I read between the lines here that porn isn't the main issue.
So, is this marriage worth saving? And what's this 'if not for the kids?' You are married 22 years? How old are they?
She can be gearing up fast to leave you now. Tell her that you will go to counseling and maybe she can too, or you can go to marriage counseling, a very different technique.

Homegirl 50 · May 10, 2012, 05:55 AM

Sounds like she maybe using the porn thing as an excuse to do what she is doing.
I agree with Chuck, you need to move back into your bedroom and suggest you two do some counseling.