[Scratty]

I posted a couple of months ago about a situation I was in. I've been married for 18 years and someone came into my life who swept me off my feet in a very short time. They did however very quickly put pressure on me after a short time to leave my husband. This eventually caused me to break down and tell H. I made the decision to stay and sort my marriage and H has since been put on anti depressants as he said he was depressed hence the reason he was treating me how he was leaving me feeling low hence seeking comfort elsewhere. I have no contact with F now which ended very suddenly without a proper goodbye or closure. I am trying to move on and rebuild my marriage and H has been fantastic trying do hard but I can't get F out of my head. I'm tearful most morning when I'm sat on my own, the times we used to talk and have been fighting daily against contacting him. I've tried being mad at him for just walking away when he was expecting me to give up my life for him how could he do that? I know contacting him again would be a bad move so why can't I let go? I want to be in love with H as much as he is me and whilst I do love him the feelings are just not there I really want to get that back and be happy! Maybe I'm suffering from depression too all I know is I can't get F out if my head but I'm tired of crying! What is it I miss so much! Maybe it's the attention, I really don't know anymore

[joypulv]

I don't know where to begin with this. I see so much change in thinking is needed that I think you need a therapist. You use some key phrases that seem to indicate problems knowing who is responsible for what actions:
'This caused me to break down and tell H' - no, you chose to. It was a conscious decision. No gun was pointed at you. You need to examine what was behind that decision. Guilt, propriety, love, fear, what?
'he was expecting me to give up my life for him' - What does that MEAN? Please explain how starting over with a new lover = giving up your life. If you just wanted an affair so you could 'not give up you life, you should have said so.
'how could he do that?' - He wanted you to leave your husband for him. Why would you ask why? You either accept or reject. He didn't 'do' anything to you.
'I want to be in love with H' - love isn't about being in love, after the early years. It's about steadfastness, mutual respect and admiration, comfort, shared likes and shared memories. Yes, you trade away excitement. You find excitement other ways, work, hobbies, friends, learning, and bring it home to share.

The reason you need help (I think H does too) is because you don't take responsibility for your actions, and because you place too much emphasis on being in love instead of having a life in addition to love. I'm sorry I sound sort of harsh and not sugar coating this. I do sympathize actually and have even experienced some of this in different ways. I had to face what I think you have to face.

I'm wondering if you still resent hubby. First you had an affair because you felt neglected (my word, use your own), now you resent him because you came back to him and think it was the wrong choice! Think deeply about that and if it's true, force yourself to stop. He has every reason to resent you for the affair and has chosen to instead work harder on your marriage. He gets an A+ for that, and you can call it an even trade. You felt a need to find attention elsewhere. He was cheated on. Start counseling, alone and together, on a level playing field. It's not the ideal reason, but it works.

[Scratty]

Thank you for your reply you make some very valid points. Yes I needs to take responsibility for my actions and stop putting the blame on others. Whilst I never set out for this affair, it started as a reconnection with an old friend, and changed very quickly. It only happened over approx 6 weeks and was not physical, which I suppose in a lot of ways is worse. F was also looking back very manipulative, he even said very near the beginning that he wanted me and that I'd what he was going to get. I have to take responsibility for that I could have said at any point I didn't want an affair but I suppose along the way I got carried away with the attention and the way he made me feel. I think I told H in the end be because I wanted him to make the decision for me as to what to do. He gave me the option to leave but I chose to stay and I realized that I did want all the attention and the way F made me feel but was longing it from H deep down. By giving up my life I meant by leaving my family home etc. I have to take responsibility for my actions and the only person that can make me move on is me. Instead of punishing myself and feeling low I need to start asking myself why I did it in the first place and look to putting things right.

[Scratty]

Apologies for errors in last message but I am on mobile phone which makes it difficult to read back before posting