[limittoyourlove]

I’m looking for a potential long term partner, if the circumstances need be I find her, with this in mind

Summary:
I’m single, girl I’m interested is not single, and she said she wants to leave her boyfriend for me, sort of.

Story:
I met this girl on my birthday, ever since we've been talking/skyping every day for hours, she'll call me in the middle of the night after she gets home from work, or call me or skype, all very long duration of time. Every time we get a chance to hang out, when we can because we're both of us are usually busy, we get so much closer and feels completely worth the time, she’s everything I’ve ever really wanted in a girl/ partner/ relationship, and she feels the same way, yes we've both established that we are both as equally surprised of how perfect we are for each other. I've really never been happier and I want this to go as far as it can. So then comes the annoying "I’m thinking way to into it" perspective

She has a boyfriend of 7 months, I can’t leave anything out at this point, she doesn't want to be with him anymore, says he’s an , doesn't care about her and so on, that type of story. I want to believe her, we've talked about this, we've only know each other not even a month yet, but besides the fact I ask her why she won’t leave him if she's so unhappy, not just to be with me, she says it’s so hard, she’s attached to his family, she hates when he cries and she just caves in when trying to break up with him,

Realistically I want to be with her so badly, to me it’s worth the risk, but now I have the feeling that she just might not want to leave him because she won’t know if it'll work with me or not, makes sense, she wants to see if we can work first, and get to know me after all we haven’t know each other for that long, but she also talks about him on Facebook like nothings up, I told her I don’t want to be on the sidelines, I want to have that status of boyfriend instead of this guy who gives 2 s what he does with her,

So am I leading myself onto something unrealistic, to me it’s worth risk of seeing where it goes, I haven’t felt this compatible with someone ever, keep in mind I’m only 20 hold off on any comments linked to age if you can,

What do you guys think?

[talaniman]

I think she is cheating, and I think she is leading you on. You are the chick on the side. Is a lying cheater worth the risk? You tell me. I don't think any one is worth the risk after just a month.

[puccini]

Well I it is too simplistic to label someone a 'lying cheater': everyone lies at some point, but we do not define all people as liars. Equally, a lot of people have been unfaithful, it is the circumstances that characterise the individual and most of these people would not be characterised as cheats. Whether the way you characterise her situation is true to her or not, it will be true for a lot of people: insecure, attached to a way of life, worrying about hurting someone, afraid to break free - wants to know the water is warm before diving in. For some people, I suspect, they need a crisis to break out of a relationship, need someone to go to. Her relationship is not that long, or that strong by appearances, although when young 7 months seems very long. You realise this cannot carry on indefinitely she is staying in a relationship that is making her feel secure and by all accounts being emotionally satisfied with you, in some sense she feels some balance as well as distress. It is not healthy to carry this on, you are young, she is not tied down: there is little value and plenty of damage to carry this on indefinitely. As for what sort of person she is - of course it is possible she is leading you on, and playing games, but it certainly cannot be presumed. If she is not strong enough to break free then this sort of scenario is more than possible.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

When you are feathering another nest and have a nest with some one else, its cheating. If you are not disclosing it to your partner, and making them unaware of what you are doing, its lying, and it's a big red flag to pay attention too when dealing with any one who engages in this behavior.

I'm single, girl I'm interested is not single, and she said she wants to leave her boyfriend for me, sort of.

What person in a relationship answers ads for a potential partner? A lying cheater!!

Talaniman Rule - Never get involved with someone who is already involved with some one else.

[puccini]

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear: lying does not a liar make, cheating does not a cheat make either. You are not in peoples circumstances to know how they feel or what they have been deprived on in their relationship: often they do not know until it hits them. People arrive in from the cold, with pain, or confusion often still highly valuing those at the centre of their storm, extremely vulnerable: dismissive, judgmental, generalised statements are easy but not applicable when the circumstances are seldom general. Relationship counseling would be simple, but unprofitable: 'you cheated on her(anyone ever)? Love, get rid.'

Infidelity will at times be the only way a relationship than needs to end, will end or indeed the only way that a light will shine on their own relationship's failings. To actively solicit it can be a sign of calculation or desperation but often it is not simply like that: it comes from nowhere. Infidelity is not often an act against one person, but an act for someone else.

Of the spectrum of personal experiences an individual's is extremely narrow: little we can do about that, but we can at least acknowedge this and refrain from sweeping statements that pigeon hole the complex creatures that are human beings.

[talaniman]

Let me be clear then and we can end this debate. Lying, and cheating is no excuse for bad behavior. Liars are liars, for whatever reason, as are cheaters. Maybe they have reasons they think are good, but changes nothing! Unhappiness is no excuse nor whatever is going on in life.

You may understand why they cheated, or lied, but does that justify it? Of course not. But what to do about it has to start with FACTS, and not just feelings, and that's my advice. Its up to the OP to decide whether she wishes to deal with this person, after only a month and having nothing to base anything on but her word, and the discovery she has put a happy public face on a very young relationship, yet she wants to leave?

Come on, my experience is that those that cheat with you, have a good chance of cheating on you. So what's the best course of action?

Take a chance on a lying cheater, or protect your own heart? Guess what my advice is after one month of knowing some one by some one looking for some one?

[puccini]

You repeat the point: liars are liars. Then everyone is a liar, but then everyone is honest too because we are all truthful somewhen: a paradox. Likewise those who have cheated have often been faithful, entirely. Labeling is a problem within our society - and if you tell someone they are thing, you go a long away to reinforce that belief and succomb them to it.

It is not about excuses, it is about reasons. It is not the ideal way, but sometimes is the only way because people may feel trapped or indeed they may believe they are happy, but, as a consequence, realise they are not. Most people fear change.

Because there is often devestation there is a natrual tendency to find blame, to punish someone. But that is not always the way of things. People who neglect their body do not deserve the illness they receive later in life, however it is a matter of consequence. If you neglect a relationship things build up - for some people, for certain relationships the most likely route will be through infidelity.

The devestation of infidelity (on either side) can force people to dig far deeper into the causes of a relationships failings than perhaps a heated or amicable split or in, during a relaitonship, simply a sense that 'things are not going well'. That said, infidelity can also cause people to overlook failings: it is easy to simply classify that person as 'bad, end of: next!'.

If someone cheats out of boredom, then, yes, they may well cheat serially and you would, naturally, need to be very cautious and, as you say, it is a 'red flag'. However, if someone is typically faithful, engaged in years of fidelity, then this is, evidently, not their typical behaviour: a deeper understanding is needed and a less judgemental attitude.

There can be little doubt that chance occurrences of infidelity have halted relationships that needed to be halted and which would have continued indefinitely without it. As such without the intervention of this incident of infidelity a poorer consequence, a continuation of the relationship, would have ensued.

Now, for me this is a candidate example of someone's perhaps softness of character creating an environement : if not here, then in some other scenario. She is attached to his family, she doesn't want to hurt him tries to break up but gives into his tears, is not feeling fulfilled or satisfied but finds the prospect of breaking up fearful, but needs desperately to feel love and fulfillment: we are dealing with extremes here, something has got to give. And this is my point, it might often be an extreme need or neglect, one that an individual doesn't even know is needed, and, bang, there is an outlet. It is not a simple case of wilful, reckless choice.

I am certainly not defending 'cheats' as you would describe them - people with little compunction whose only regret is getting caught. But I resent the generalisation and failure to descriminate those who would rarely do such a thing or would endorse it but whose lives and characters are complex and arrive in very difficult, new circumstances which they don't know how to handle and where their emotions are running at extremes.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule - Never give your heart to a stranger that has not proved they deserved it, or knows what to do with it.

[puccini]

"Talaniman Rule - Never give your heart to a stranger that has not proved they deserved it, or knows what to do with it."

How could any stranger prove they deserved your heart? So we could just stop at not giving it to a stranger: can't argue with that. But take a chance on a stranger, well that's a different matter. The tone of your rule does seem rather risk averse: I realise life can make us this way.

[puccini]

@limittoyourlove

Her desire to want to know whether it will work with you before jumping ship is understandable: but that price is high, infidelity. In addition, she will not properly know whether it will work with you fully because your relationship will operate within a different context. Yes she will learn things about you, but it will take a time before you know whether you are right together, meanwhile the pressure and guilt might put what chances you have at risk. In addition her guy has the right to an authentic life with someone else and this is clearly unfair on him. But, truth is, she claims she is unhappy and has reason to leave the relationship independently of you. Given her unhappiness she does not appear to have a rational reason to stay with him, regardless of your prospects with her. Trying to evaluate whether a relationship will work while leading a double life is gong to be challenging.