[lovesick212]

Hello,
First of all who ever reads this Im really appreciative of your time and help, because I'm writing a long history for my question... I'm really miserable and hurting right now.

I dated a guy for the last 3 years. He is 6 months younger then me. I am 23 and he is 22. Before we dated, he was crazy about me. He wanted to be with me so badly and we started dating in December 2003. That whole year everything was amazing and I know that's because it was the honeymoon phase. He was a little possesive and he started getting annoyed about me hanging out with this one guy friend. So one day I lied to my boyfriend saying I did not have lunch with my friend. But he knew I lied. I had nothing to hide, I just wanted to avoid the fight so I lied. After that day my boyfriend slwly was detaching himself from me. But He was too attached to me to break up. So I promised him I would stop talking to my friend, because I felt guilty for lying and I wanted to do everything to make the relationshpoi work. Basically, 1.5 year into the relationship I started becoming depedent on my boyfriend as I started to just be all into him and his friends circle, and I kind of let go of my own friends circle because he didn't "trust" me after I lied to him.

Things were fine then and I could tell he was again very into the relationship because I had met his parents and he was feeling good about things, but I graduated early and moved to California for the last year and we have been doing long distance. I thought I could start my new friends cricle here, but instead I kept going every other weekend to meet my boyfriend and I kind of became depdendent on him for my social life. We started having fights really bad ones. Then he cheated on me because we were having such bad times. But I didn't know about it. I think he felt guilty because after that he was again detaching himself from me and I couldn't place a reason as to why. Later on we got into some stpuid fight about something 5 months after he cheated on me and he told me "i dont think this is going to work".

I asked him finally that I think he is acting very different from how he used to be so in love with me and wanted to know if I had done anything. He then told me that "no, he had cheated on me once and he was feeling guilty". I cried my heart out, and then asked him what to do. He said he needed space. Then He said that he had thought about it and didn't think it would work because the trust in the relationship was lost. :-(

I went to go see him then for 2 weekends in a row. We spent a lot of time together, slept togethe everything. I think I confused him even more. When I could see that he was having a good time with me, it gave me hope that "he really does love me and wants to be with me...but is convincing himself that its not going to work" but then.. he went on winter vacation back home to visit his family and I started calling him all the time like normal because I felt like nothing had changed. I started becoming nagging, called him all the time. When he got back, again I visisted him and surprised him thinking he'll be happy to see me. I made sure to look super hot. He was confused... and was kind of happy to see me, but it wasn't as happy as I expected. I went again one last time to visit him 2 weeks later, but that time he acted very distant. Its weird... we would sleep together and at that time he would become vulnerable and I could tell he would feel awkward. When we wre acting like friends it was fine... but But then at the same time he would try to show me he is not wanting to be my boyfriend by acting short with me. I kept convincing himself that he's lying to himself. Finally he told me "no..I dont think this is going to work. and the more you keep coming over here the more I am sure I dont want to be with you." he also said "im not interested in dating anyone else right now...i just want to focus on my last 2 semesters in my masters but i feel like the only way to help you move on is if i make you hate me or if i date someone else but i dont wnat to do that. he said he needs space from me and that im not giving it to him"

I then cried a lot, and finally left him alone for just a week thinking that's what he needed. I thought if I leave him alone for a week he'll miss me. But he didn't. So I broke down and claled him, and asked him "dont u miss me? don't u want me to come to spring break witht you?"and he said "no he doesnt want me to be there because he knows it will be awkward for me and him and doesnt wnat to hurt me and him...and he doesnt want to take advantage of me and leave me hanging and giving me hope. he said im suffocating him, and very clingy"

Finally, I stopped talking to him for real. I think he knew he had to really yell at me on the phone for me to get it in my head to leave him alone... after a few days he changed his profile status on all his Facebook, and orkut to single. I asked a friend of his why he's doing it and if its because he's interesetd in other girls because I was so insecure but they said they think its so that he asserts is independence and to give me the message that I'm doing the correct thing by leaving him alone... :-(. Now its been 3 weeks since we've spoken. I cry every day.

First I felt like the No Contact strategy for 3 weeks might at least help him miss me. But now I feel like he's moving on... and he will never miss me. How long should I wait before trying to be friends with him? Its been the first time that I've not spoken to him for 3 weeks. I think the hard part is that I had become part of his friends circle... and I am having to cut off from them also. I speak very little to common friends between me and him. Just one good friend of his I spoke to for a while because I was so emotinal. But the key is that I stopped talking to him for 3 weeks.

Now I feel like He has made up his mind, and never will come back to me. I don't know what to do. I cry all the time because its so hard for me to believe the guy that was so in love with me, is totally moving on. We had made solid plans to make this work...
I need to be more independent, find myself again... but I feel like he will never approach me again. I also feel like I gave him so much love that how could he not miss me... his whole room we decorated together, went shopping together... all his clothes I would pick out. I know it sounds like its long distance and will fall apart... but I spent a lot of time with him. We would talk on the phone for an hour or two every day. Its hard for me to imagine he will never miss me.

How long should I wait to ask him to be friends.. How do I let him know I am moving on, or being strong or not that clingy person?
I know mentally and emotionally I am not strong right now, but at least I am finally leaving him alone. I hope he will notice this and miss me...

What should I do?

[JoeCanada76]

Honestly,

First: mistake was giving up your friends for him to make him happy. You need to be able to have your own friends and your own time.

Second: Long distance relationship is not a true relationship. It is hard to keep close, hard to be with somebody your not close with.

Third: You would visit, sleep together and then go away. That is hard on both sides. Emotionally, physically and more. Unless you planned on a permanent move. To be able to stay closer then the sex thing should only be when you are actually together all the time.

Fourth: He moved on. Whether you like to deal with it or not. He does not want to be with you and why would you want to be with him when all he made you feel was pain?

Fifth: No contact. That is good. It is up to you whether you want to continue with it or not.
No contact does not always work, but if he has already moved on there is not much you can do.

Sixth: I personally feel that you are better off without him that you need to stop crying and actually take the steps of becoming independent again. This is a blessing your not together in the long run because it gives you time to find what you lost in yourself because of the toxic relationship you WERE in.

Seventh: Always have hope that these experiences will actually make you a even stronger person then before you started seeing him. Yes, at least you are leaving him alone which is what you need to do for the long term. It is better for you.

Hope for the best.

Joe

[ellie c]

Hi lovesick. I don't really have much of an answer for you at the moment because I am going through something similar with my boyfried at the moment and it is so heartbreaking I know. I'm not dealing with it very well right now. I cry everyday abd I know all that keeps you going is hope. Its so frustrating and upsetting and feel like your never going to get over this and don't know what to do. Its so hard... anyway you are not alone x

[lovesick212]

Thank you both for your insight. I'm having such a hard time dealing this.
I wish there was a definite answer here. But I guess the only option I have is to leave the guy alone and move on as much as I can.

Is it incorrect for me to hope for a future with him? Sometimes I feel that after another 2,3 weeks pass, I can initiate a casual contact with him to be friends. And see how it goes.

Haha or is this just me being silly and having wishful thinking.

[pawankgupta25]

HI I have not read the whole story, but I feel that your story is also some what same to me ,but as My girlfriend said if it is our destiny to meet we will meet, so I have stopped shedding tears for the broken relationship and so do you also

[talaniman]

Rebuild your life and be independent again, but leave him alone as friendship while you are still having strong feelings is a false hope of something between you. Move ahead with your life.

[teri2]

I am new to this forum and after reading your question I can honestly say that you are going about this the wrong way. I know that it is killing you that your ex has broken up with you and don't want you anymore. Crying, begging, pleading is not helping the situation at all. You have to stand your ground and totally go on with your life and completely have no contact what so ever and I mean absolutely no contact. No sending cards, texting, emailing, nothing if you want any kind of chace to get him back in your life. You have to at least have no contact with him for about 6 months. He is not missing you at all right now because you are looking pathetic in his eyes. So please believe me when I say leave him alone until he contacts you and I hope he does not do that for a good while. You may not even want him back after that. I feel your pain because we have all been there and I know it's going to be very hard for you but you have to not contact him at all. I mean NEVER call him again if you want any chance of him even coming around to see why. Let him miss you and believe me he will miss you but not while you're acting like you can't live without him. In time you will get over him and llike I said before, you may not even want him back.;)

[x3itslovebaby]

I'm going through the same thing! Your so not alone!

Here's my story...

So on Monday the love of my life broke up with me over the phone (how lame! ) He said he did it over the phone because he didn't want me to beg to take him back and that I wouldn't leave his house until he did (which is true) Hes already been liking this other girl for a few weeks and I did know that, but I never imagined that he would leave me! We have had our share of problems and did fight a lot. I did everything in my power to try and not fight with him. Another reason for him leaving me was "he lost his feelings for me" and "i pushed him away" I am so misserable without him! I can't eat, sleep, concentrate at school, I'm sick to my stomach! Its driving me nuts. But then on Tuesday he hung out with this girl that he liked and asked her to be his girlfriend! UNBELEIVALBE! I was never so hurt in my whole life! Im trying so hard to give him his space but, I REALLY WANT HIM BACK!! He is the only thing that has ever made me so happy. He did everything for me and was always there. We built up so much; I was in his senior pictures, spent every weekend sleeping over at his house and his mom loved me! His house was my second home. Im just so lost and I really want him back! Do you have any advice to give me?

[talaniman]

Do you have any advice to give me?

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