[mypaperheart]

I wasn't quite sure how to word the question so it may be a little misleading.

So here's the situation: 99% of the relationships having been with controlling and jealous guys. The longest relationship, I wasn't even allowed to speak to any guy at all. Long story short, being single is overwhelming to me. I'm much more content being in a relationship. Combined with my sense of ideal passion, I can be quite impulsive which only adds to the want to be tied down, however weird that sounds. So I was single for a short time and was enjoying that sense of "freedom" so different from the relationship I was in. I went on dates, had a good time, not obligations. However, I got close with a sweet guy, rejected his offer to be exclusive for a while and finally said yes.

After a few months when we had become intimate. I almost feel like I felt obligated to be with him? This was in October. Now don't get me wrong, we get along great, he's wonderful, a gentleman of all sorts. Now, though, I'm having my doubts. (Question One: Do I try to work on the relationship?) Here are my big concerns. I work full time, go to school full time, and especially in the summer want to be out and about doing new things quite often. He, on the other hand, takes less classes, does not work, and is, for lack of a better word, very lazy. It has also sort of bothered me, but more so now given the current situation. He's constantly sleeping, and to get him to go anywhere during the day is tedious. I feel like he and I are on totally different planes with our energy levels. He seems fairly unmotivated to get out and explore the world, where as I prefer being outside, driving, hiking, whatever it may be.

In thinking about summer plans the thought, "But he'll probably be sleeping.." crossed my mind too many times. I feel bad being so annoyed with it because I knew that is how he was, it has of course just increased because he is more comfortable with me. The other thing may be a little personal, but I don't think his libido is anywhere near mine. He never initiates anything and barely puts effort in when we do anything. We used to be intimate quite frequently, mostly on my account, but I got tired of feeling like I was the only one who really wanted it, so we are intimate much less often lately.

I'm also not very attracted to him anymore, especially because of what I just mentioned. Intimacy is very important to me in a relationship. Now don't get me wrong, he's sweet, very intelligent, a great person, and we get along very well, I just feel that the "spark" isn't there anymore, almost as if we could be awesome friends but just not lovers. On the other hand, when I think about not being together it's rather intimidating.

So cue the other guy. I met him a few weeks ago, we have a few mutual friends and have all hung out a few times. We had an instant connection and attraction, something that comes across as incredibly awkward because you're both trying to hide it. I know that I'm filling in the blanks so to speak, because he's all of those things I just said my boyfriend isn't, or so it appears. In a career while still going to school, has his own place, adventurous, spontaneous, so on and so forth. His personality seems to be more fitting to mine in terms of what I think would make me happy at this point in my life. Before rushing to conclusions, it's not so much him that I'm focusing on - it's the traits that I am attracted to that have magnified the traits that I find to be unappealing in my boyfriend.

Here I am with this, I'm with a guy I know treats me well, we get along very well, but the relationship just isn't "fulfilling" and meeting this other guy has brought this to my attention more so than ever. It's not that I want to leave my current boyfriend for someone else, it's more than that. However, the thought of leaving my boyfriend is intimidating because I'm in a secure place and big changes are a little intimidating.

Thank you to everyone for any help.

[mmresd]

Hmm... 99% meaning you have been with 100 guys and 1 of them was NOT a controlling and jealous guy?

You need to get the idea out of your mind that being with someone is a REQUIREMENT to your happiness and sanity. In fact, if you cannot be sane and happy on your own, then you CANNOT be happy with someone else. It is just a cover we use to hide our emotions, you need to fix those before going after the next relationship.

Also, if you are ever in a relationship and you happen to notice any signs of jealousy or controlling attitude, I would recommend for you to bail out of there asap, so that things don't evolve into worse situations. Remain single, work on yourself, and whenever you have fixed your loneliness problem you will meet somebody that will not "save" you, but actually compliment you in your life.

[talaniman]

You are not happy this experiment is not working, so you are looking around instead of talking to your so called partner.

This other guy is but a distraction from you doing the right thing by your relationship, and keeping you from confronting the issues and resolving them. If talking honestly changes nothing, its time to go, right?

Anything less than a full commitment is dishonest. Or end it, and be free to explore, and experiment. Make a choice instead of cruising through your own head, looking for a place to land.

[Handyman2007]

When someone is "controlling" it is YOU that allows them to be that way towards you. So you are telling us that you feel more comfortable in ANY relationship,, whether the guy is controlling or not. Babe, set your sights a little higher. Don't date for a while and listen watch and listen some more before jumping into a relationship/ Tell yourself that you do not want to be controlled but you want to know that the other person cares for you. Remember that whenever you meet someone. Good Luck and stop dating losers!

[mypaperheart]

Thanks everyone so far. You all seem to be saying the same thing - to be single. My problem is when I hear those words, I cringe. Simply put,I just don't know how to be single.

It's out of my comfort zone, it's just foreign to me. I like to have that one go-to person in my life that I share everything with and can count on. By everything, I mean emotional, mental, physical, etc. Even when I'm not in a relationship and single, I feel very "wrong" when there isn't that person and I try to fill the void. I'm just happier in a relationship.

I don't get along well with females. I'm a tomboy of sorts, and it's hard for me to bond with other females because there are a lot of interests that just don't overlap. For that reason, I gravitate more towards male companions. Obviously, this can lead to some problems. Ignoring my self-conscious attitude, reality is that I'm attractive and very friendly. When I am single, I have a good number of guys that contact me and my friendliness comes across as interest (my one female best friend lectured me on this). So when I say that I'm overwhelmed when I'm single, this is a big part of that.

Now I took a several months before my current boyfriend to learn to be on my own. I had a journal to record my steps, I purposely went out to do things by myself. Made my independent hobbies stronger. I essentially learned to do things without "asking permission" from a significant other. Believe it or not, my independence and self worth are at a high. I never used to be able to stand up for myself, but now I don't think twice. If I were to be in a relationship in which my s/o tried to be controlling, I'd book the hell out.

[puccini]

Well I certainly do not agree that you cannot be happy in a relationship if you are not happy being single. However, it will unfortunately create biasses: you might be quick to accept the wrong guy over the right guy because he is in effect ahead in the queue, fail to leave a failing relationship or address a flagging one for fear of a split. It is unclear why the idea of being single makes you cringe: is it the tag of being single? It seems surprisng given how you describe yourself. Perhaps that is what you need to address.

People are tough to change, there is much you are unhappy with your boyfriend and relationship, but certainly it seems you should be speaking to him: even if it is to no avail at least you will benefit from learning to address difficulties in a relationship (assuming you have not done so) which will surely help you in the future. I'm sure you appreciate, as well, that the other guy is currently idealised by you - but it is, I feel, though human, unfair on your boyfriend to be maintaining a fantasy for someone else.

[mypaperheart]

It's not that I'm afraid of gaining some sort of a negative reputation from being single. It's all internal in that regard. I don't have any fear that I won't find someone, I just find greater comfort in having someone there.

I agree, it's absolutely unfair to him and I definitely idealize the other guy. But the reality of it is that I can't simply erase these "fantasies" as you will. I can only try to figure out what to do with them. As I mentioned, it's more so his traits that I home in on because they are what I feel I'm "missing" in my current relationship. It's strange though, how much I can step back from the situation and understand these things yet still not know what to do. I guess I'm in part scared to make the wrong decision, so to speak. I feel as if I've thrown in the towel emotionally with my current relationship, in a sense that I don't want him to change because that's who he is. I don't want to ask him to change. I don't want him to feel he has to be someone else in order to be with me, because I've been in the position where I was forced to change everything about myself in order to be with someone. I'm no better than the next person, why should he have to change who he is and what he's always done just because I want him to?

On the other hand, I hate to say it, but he's "safe". I'm already with him, and despite my own preferences lately, he's very good to me. I know how this story goes. If I leave, there's no order, there's no safety. If I leave, I lose him and a lot of my current lifestyle and everything is thrown into a chaotic state. There are more unanswered questions awaiting from me if I choose to leave. Picture being a child and holding onto the edge of the pool near the "deep end" having never swam that far before. The wall and the shallow end are just find, they're safe, you're still swimming, you're content. Somehow, though, you just want a little more. There's more excitement on the other side, but you can't decide whether you make the plunge and let go of the wall because you don't know what will happen. It will either be worth it, or a big mistake. That's sort of how I'm feeling now.

At the end of the day, he's done nothing wrong, and that kills me to think I could leave him for essentially no reason other than my own wants and needs. I'm just now getting over the "honeymoon phase" and the feel good feeling of being treated with respect. As a result, I'm picking up on those things that I had previously overlooked. Combined with meeting someone who (seemingly) possessive many of the traits I desire in a partner, I'm left hanging onto the wall of the shallow end, not sure whether to let go.

[talaniman]

The dilimma is simply resolved with honesty between you and your guy, and not crossing the lines of good behavior. Having feelings for others while in a relationship are normal things for us humans.

Its what you do about your feelings that make you right or wrong.

[puccini]

When we enter a relationship none of us know fully what to expect or can properly anticipate how we are going to feel about a certain tendency in our partner further down the line. There is not, nor should not, be the exclusive choice of: I accept who s/he is or leave the relationship. None of us are fixed entities – we are continually changing, growing, hopefully for the better – people close to us encourage us and can set examples for us to aspire to. If a change in your behaviour would make your partner happy then it is surely something to consider: to categorically reject or accept any change is mindless. Is it something you are afraid you cannot change, believe you shouldn't – is this change your partner is asking pandering, yielding to insecurity they have? We must reason through any suggested change, because often it is through the observations of others that we are able to shine a light on ourselves.

You are not being controlling: your desire for him to be less lazy is to enable you both to have a more fulfilling life together.

Your happiness matters to you and I'm sure to him too. As a (former) student I relate to his behaviour (and still battle with laziness now): it is not a state I enjoy(ed) being in, it just felt the easier more comfortable thing to do – it's not rewarding and doesn't make one happy.

If we leave a relationship it is pretty much because our wants and needs are not being satisfied: that's normal. But I feel it is something you have not fully explored with this guy because you have a hang up, because of past experiences, about not changing him. Most of us have characteristics which we feel are undesirable, wish to change, but do not know how to and resolve them in some sense by telling ourselves 'that's just who we are'.

Is the status quo an option for you indefinitely? It doesn't seem so. It strikes me that you are not going to be satisfied with what you feel is a lack of intimacy, and if you try to be, then, well, you've been forced to change, in order to accommodate this aspect of your relationship: you are putting on yourself, albeit somewhat passively, what you are reluctant to put on him – change. Which judging by your own standards is unfair – if you feel (any) change is unfair on him, then it must also be unfair on you.

It would seem the anxiety you describe is surely only going to be resolved through changes in yourself, him or meeting someone else.

Given your character, I am confident that you would not be happy with maintaining the status quo if you felt you partner's wants and needs were not being fulfilled.

Good luck.

[need2ask]

I married at 14 yrs old and for the longest time felt I needed to be with a man. So through several different relationships, some good and most bad I thought I NEEDED to be with a man.But when I was single I was great at that too! I think it was just that I wanted to see if I was still desirable to other men. You always feel good knowing your wanted. It was only when I took a good year and a half alone, living MY life that I realized it didn't matter if I was alone or not. Then one day the PERFECT man came along. Sometimes you have to be alone and learn everything about yourself and what you truly want out of your life and when you don't expect it, "IT" happens. Then and only then will you be truly happy in your relationship. You won't look at other men for what you don't have. You will look at them as individuals and not potentials.
I say this from my life experiences. You sound very smart, you will know what to do! I hope this helps : )