[Anon3]

Back in Jan, an ex of two years ago got in contact with me. I had ended our relationship over two years ago, had told him I didn't want to be friends... then he wanted to be friends, so I tried that... and eventually he crossed the boundaries too much as my "friend" by still trying to get me in bed, flirting with me, flirting with another girl in front of me, etc... so I "broke up" with him as a friend too. We haven't talked for two years.

So in Jan, at first he just wanted to "thank me" and say that he'd made some changes in his life because of the harsh but honest things I had told him two years ago. He said they had stuck with him. I was very shocked to hear from him of course but sort of happy for him too and happy to hear he was making changes. No worries there and I see no harm in him wanting to do this.

Then he asked me out. Then he went back on asking me out saying it was in poor taste. Then he asked me out again. When I finally got back to him I told him I wasn't sure it was the best idea, I would have to think about it. After some more email catching up and more flirting from him, he convinced me in his usual way to meet up. I really wanted to ask him what he wanted from me and what his intentions were as I wasn't sure if he wanted to catch up as friends or date again. I should have asked, but I chickened out as our catch up session went well, and the following week he called it a date so I had my answer.

Catching up turned to dating again... we took things slow this time which I thought was good... I was being cautious as I didn't want to get hurt again and felt I needed time to build trust again if it was going to work but I was also willing to give things a go and was enjoying the time together.

Fast forward five dates, and he sent an email basically saying while he really liked me and felt we had a lot of good potential for a relationship, he didn't feel a "spark" and felt that it wasn't "enough" for him to want to continue.

This really hurt me and I also got very angry and also thought it was really stupid to expect sparks right off the bat when there was a history of hurt there, and told him that I needed time to trust again given the history. I told him all this but of course it didn't seem to make a difference. I sent two thoughtful emails pinpointing what I thought were the problems, and then talked to him once in person. He said he was sorry and that he did still want to be friends as he genuinely wanted to know what would happen in my life. I told him I wasn't sure if I could do that and just said I needed my space.

Ok so here's my question... that was three weeks ago. I've been no contact since then. No calls, no texts, no emails. It hasn't been easy but I'm doing well.

The one thing I HAVEN'T been able to drop, is checking his online profiles. I don't have him as a "friend" on any of these but he has made his profiles public so it is way too easy to look. This is like a bad addiction for me... I'm looking for information there, want to "check up" on him... even though I know there is nothing of substance there.

I was very busy last week and had some positive experiences which propelled me to not look at any of his online stuff for a week. Was proud of myself. Then, yesterday, I was having a bad day, went searching for my online hurtful fix of him, found him on an online dating site I'm also on (had no idea he was on either), clicked on his profile without realizing I was logged in, and then quickly realized afterwards that meant he'd be able to see I'd visited. I did everything I could to reverse this - hid him, paid to get my profile to anonymous browsing, etc - but after some tests with a friend I'm pretty sure that original visit will stick.

So I feel like an idiot... I did so well for three weeks and technically still have not contacted him, but now he'll be able to see that I took a look at his profile.

I feel like no contact is a great concept but SO much harder to do these days in an online world... photos are online, his email is saved in my email program automatically, and it's just too easy to see what someone is up to via social networking sites, esp if they have their privacy turned off.

What should I do? Should I delete my online dating profile? That's the only way I'll be completely erased from the site and therefore his "visitors" (assuming he hasn't already seen that I visited, which he may or may not have).

Am I overreacting? Is this just like running into an ex on the street, and can I just chalk it up to "curiosity" and then just be glad I didn't initiate any contact with him?

Does this little online blunder make me look like an idiot or "weak" or that I'm thinking of him?

[Homegirl 50]

Whatever steps you need to take to keep from looking in on him do it.
You took another chance on him when deep inside you knew you shouldn't have, now you have to go through the healing process. You probably feel like you've been made a fool of. I think that is where the hurt is coming from.
Go total NC. You'll be glad you did.

[Fr_Chuck]

If you can't, turn off your internet, have someone put a blocker on your computer with a pass word you don't know that does not allow you to go to those web sites he has a profile on.