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steve24 · Apr 16, 2012, 03:42 PM

I started work with a girl 3 months ago who has a boyfriend of 5 years. As times gone by I began to feel a real connection with her and felt she was the same. We flirted and talked a lot and began texting every night. We went on a works night out recently where she ended up stopping at mine. We ended up kissing and cuddling in bed and we told each other we liked each other. We talked it through and she said she's happy with her boyfriend and Isn't going to leave him especially as we still don't really know each other. She wants us to go back to being friends. Now I'm having a nightmare because we are closer than ever and continuing to text every night and flirt and everything and I'm just not sure how to handle the situation with all the mixed messages I'm getting? Any advice would be appriciated.

joypulv · Apr 16, 2012, 03:57 PM

Seeing if she likes you enough to leave her boyfriend is one thing, but continuing on with mixed messages is unfair. Tell her so. Tell her you can't take it and have to stop seeing her altogether. It will hurt more in the short run but torture over the long run is worse.
Maybe she was waiting for you to tell her that you were in love or falling in love, but she's the one with the boyfriend, and it was more up to her to tell you she likes you more than him.

DoulaLC · Apr 16, 2012, 04:00 PM

Hi steve24,

How very unfair of her... to you and to her boyfriend.

I'd back off from her. She is off limits and has already stated that she is happy with her boyfriend... the poor guy. Consider how he would feel about the situation. That could be you if you did end up with her!

She wants the cake and to eat it too. She has a steady boyfriend, who no doubt believes her to be honest and faithful, and she has you on the side for a bit of fun.

If you can't be friends, in a platonic manner, then end the contact. You will only continue to feel confused, unsure, and hopeful if you continue as you are.

steve24 · Apr 16, 2012, 04:06 PM

It's difficult as we work closely together daily and the way we interact and behave feels normal. I can see on face value it makes her appear a bad person bit I think its more complicated than that we both felt terrible but the most it got to when I say kiss was like a peck on the lips the rest of the time was spent discussing the situation and I don't think u can help having feelings for someone. I think I'm going to try and stop the contact after work and see how she responds

DoulaLC · Apr 16, 2012, 04:13 PM

True, you can't help feelings, but you can do your best to avoid situations that make it more difficult then it has to be. Wise to end the contact outside of work.

steve24 · Apr 16, 2012, 04:19 PM

Well she just contacted me tonight and told me she wants our relationship not to change in anyway and reitorated we should be friends and just continue to get to know each other more. But then she said just leave everything to fate and I'm sure what ever will be will be, but she then said she wants to be very clear that's she's not leading me on in any way... Confusing lol. All of that is dfficult as we really get on but I don't see how we can sort of stop this spiraling out of control and to be honest the way she speaks and the things she says make me feel she really is in a mess as to what she's feeling and what she should do

hannabella · Apr 16, 2012, 04:23 PM

If she's happy with the boy friend she won't be cuddling up with another man in bed. Maybe she can't be honest with herself.
Is there anything you can do about having less contact with her at your job ? If not, you should both keep things at a co-worker only level. I think it's a good idea also to cut off communication with her after work.

steve24 · Apr 16, 2012, 04:31 PM

Yea I'm def going to stop the communication after work... (Hoping I'm strong enough not to respond to her lol) unfortunately in our jobs we work side by side in a small team so that's out I don't think id want the separation at work anyway because we get on so well and its never inappropriate.

DoulaLC · Apr 16, 2012, 04:31 PM

I know you like her, but you are likely setting yourself up for heartache. If you choose to continue as you are, just be aware that you may not get the girl in the end, if that is what you are hoping for.

Better to let her sort out her feelings. She may see it all as just good fun, but if you have feelings for her, or feel that you are in jeopardy of developing stronger feelings, it likely won't end well for you.

The only way to stop it from spiraling is to just stop it. It is up to you.

steve24 · Apr 16, 2012, 04:34 PM

I understand the risks but I'm 24 a bit of a lad never really felt anything for a girl before so the whole situation is alien to me an to be honest I'm just trying to reason through if its worth taking the risk of being hurt because I mean if I don't at least try il never no? Surely that would be worse? What's your opinion on my thoughts ?

steve24 · Apr 16, 2012, 04:36 PM

From talking on this thread I think I'm going to put the whole thing on the backburner stop the communication out of work stay friends and keep the relationship the same out of work an just get on with meeting other girls and just leave it alone. I guess if its to be itl happen at some point?

steve24 · Apr 16, 2012, 04:41 PM

That meant to read keep the relationship the same in work

DoulaLC · Apr 16, 2012, 04:57 PM

Originally Posted by steve24

From talking on this thread I think I'm going to put the whole thing on the backburner stop the communication out of work stay friends and keep the relationship the same out of work an just get on with meeting other girls and just leave it alone. I guess if its to be itl happen at some point?

I think that is wise. Consider her boyfriend's feelings in all of this as well. She simply is not available for more than a work friend.

Consider as well that if you did end up together, you'll know that she is the sort who would flirt with other men... and not just in a joking around manner.

Spend time with friends outside of work where you can meet someone who is actually available to be with.

dandds · May 26, 2012, 10:20 PM

Originally Posted by steve24

Well she just contacted me tonight and told me she wants our relationship not to change in anyway and reitorated we should be friends and just continue to get to know each other more. But then she said just leave everything to fate and I'm sure wat ever will be will be, but she then said she wants to be very clear that's she's not leading me on in any way ... Confusing lol. All of that is dfficult as we really get on but I don't see how we can sort of stop this spiraling out of control and to be honest the way she speaks and the things she says make me feel she really is in a mess as to what she's feeling and what she should do

Sounds to me like this girl is not the one for you. It sounds like you are ready to start the begging.