[Iaskyouanswer]

I lost my virginity about a year ago to my boyfriend who I'm still dating. He's constantly wanting to have sex and I never do. It just doesn't feel that great. It still hurts at first, even after a year. And he has the most ridiculous stamina so it takes forever for him to finish and halfway through I just find myself wishing it would be over. He has never given me an orgasm, so maybe that's it. I've had orgasms by masturbating by myself. I just don't know what to do to get more into it. I want to be passionate and sexual like he wants but I just can't find it in me. So help? It's starting to affect our relationship.

[Wondergirl]

It sounds like HE is the one who needs to "get more into it." Slam, bam, thank you ma'am isn't how it's done.

Have the two of you ever discussed this as to your expectations and his, how he thinks sex should be and if that agrees with your ideas? Have the two of you ever read any good sex manuals together? (612.6 at your local public library :))

There are a number of experts for this board who will give you some excellent advice. Please check back periodically.

[joypulv]

Tell him you need an hour of romance and another hour of foreplay for every hour of intercourse. You'll consider lowering that to an hour total if he makes up for some serious amount of lost time.
He might have no clue what romance and foreplay you want and need, so sit down with yourself and think about what to tell him. Are you pleased with attention in public? Sweet nothings on the couch? Kissing your neck while you chop vegetables or do dishes? What sorts of caresses feel good? Do you like fooling around that doesn't lead to intercourse, such as just before going out? Make a list if it helps!

[Fr_Chuck]

You should be doing enough foreplay before he even enters.

[Enigma1999]

I agree with Joy...

I really believe that you need to communicate how you feel with him.

You know, when I first started having sex with my husband, I had to "mold" him when it came to pleasure.

Some people need guidance. He might be one of those people. Not a bad thing. How else will he know if you don't communicate with him.

I don't think that he is, based off what you said, a "slam, bam thank you ma'am" kind of a guy.

I just think he is in the dark and perhaps a lot of play will help you unwind.

For example, I really enjoy being romanced before hand, such as, a massage, holding, kissing, even talking while laying my head on his shoulder.

Believe it or not, a lot of it is mental and can even start with him doing things around the house for you (that is, if you two live together.)

You two could also go to the library and check out "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine. GREAT book! It really helps you understand the mind. She even had an opposite, "The Male Brain" which is also a great book.

It would also be nice to read them together while laying in bed...

I really empathize with you, being that I too have been there before.

I found that trust and communication really helped for me. Perhaps it will for you.

Best of luck.

[Cat1864]

First things first, if you are aroused and ready for sex and still experiencing pain when penetration begins, see your gynecologist. While it is probably due to you not being ready as you think you are, there is a chance that there may be a medical issue.

Second, don't expect him to 'give' you an orgasm. That's how it works in books and movies, not in real-life. Many women (if not most) do not experience orgasm through penetration alone. Most need stimulation from toys or fingers. Masturbation is a great way to learn what feels good to you and what works to get you off. Next step with that is explaining to him what works for you. Slightly changing position or try other positions might help make it easier for you both to get better stimulation and more pleasure out of intercourse.

Look at your life and see if you have any libido limiters causing you to not be into it as much as he is.

Are you stressed out from school, work, family, friends etc.
Are you exhausted?
Do you have any medical conditions or are you on any medications including birth control?
Do you feel pressured to have sex? Does he want sex every time you are together? Do you have any other activities you do together? If you say 'no' are you worried that he will disappear?
Are you comfortable where you are having sex? Do you spend time on foreplay or is it getting him erect and then penetration?

As has been said, communicate with him. If you can have sex, you can talk about it.

[Iaskyouanswer]

I'm on birth control. So would that lower my libido? Also we don't do a lot of foreplay, he kind of just gets down to business. We'll do maybe like 5 minutes of foreplay before sex. I rarely do get aroused around him, he's 19 so he may be too young and immature for romancing and putting in the effort for his partner. But sex is becoming a burden now rather than fun and pleasurable.

[CravenMorhead]

I'm on birth control. So would that lower my libido? Also we don't do a lot of foreplay, he kind of just gets down to business. We'll do maybe like 5 minutes of foreplay before sex. I rarely do get aroused around him, he's 19 so he may be too young and immature for romancing and putting in the effort for his partner. But sex is becoming a burden now rather than fun and pleasurable.

Well there's your problem. You've got a selfish lover on your hands. All about him and not enough about you. It sounds like you need to train him to love you. I have found that each lover you take will be a different style of love making. I can tell you that what worked with one girl didn't with others. So he might have been able to with previous women just come in, drop his swag, blow his load, and be done with it.

Most of the following has been said previously in this thread.

The initial pain is probably a result of lack of lubication. It is kind of like a indian burn but in your lady bits. Some hormonal birthcontrols can lower the libido. A lot of them are designed to fool your body that it might be pregnant so it doesn't need to release the egg anymore. The by product of that is that your body thinks his job is already done. Look at the side effects and do some online research on forums about your particular birth control.

Another reason for the lack of your libido is what you're not getting the foreplay. You don't have the 'YAY! SEXY TIMES NOWS! ' reaction when your boyfriend gets amorous. You get the, "Well time to service him, this is going to hurt...." It isn't a positive reaction to the situation so you kind of subconsciously shut down. If it isn't going to be pleasant than why do it?

Understanding what is going on is vital to figuring out what you can do to fix it.

So what are my suggesstions. Get him to turn you on. Get him to arouse you. Don't let him get near you until you do. You need to figure out and show him what you want him to do to get you up and running. You need to teach him how to make love to you better. He needs to get into your head.

This should help on one front. As well, lube. Nothing wrong with a little lube. It can help things along when they don't feel good. Might make things a little easier too.

Also toys during foreplay and penetration can be pretty darn good too. Help both him and you.

Good Luck!

[joypulv]

I think some women's libido is affected by birth control pills.
We all have different hormone levels of our own, and different reactions to the pills.
I know back it the 60s when the hormones in them were stronger, it certainly could.
The pain if it's just at first really does sound like lack of lubrication as others have said.
Libido isn't some constant entity anyway. It varies widely.
If you can masturbate to orgasm consider doing it almost to orgasm while he caresses you. And if you have to stop him while he's inside you to start again, do so.

[L2012nyc]

I am 43 and I've always had that problem (without the pain). I seen a sex therapist when I was 19 and he said it was my partner. I've had patient lovers/husband over the years, but ultimately it has ruined all my relationships. Just recently I went to the doctor to have my hormone levels checked (still waiting), but I've been doing a lot of research. Ive read there is a vitamin DHEA (any drug store) that is natural and helps your body make more progesterone and testosterone (increases sexual desire along with other added health benefits). Last year the US almost marketed it as a "women's viagara", and many other countries already prescribe it. I'm going tomorrow to buy a bottle (recommend 50mg/day for increased sexual desire but please Google yourself bcs I haven't tried it nor was I advised by a doctor). I also read that if you are having pain, you may have scarring from childbirth so should see your gynecologist. Please see your doctor in any event. Don't suffer for years like I have. Good luck!!