[ellie c]

Hi everyone, I need some advice...

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now. I love him so much and know he loves me. He basically moved in with me when we started going out which we both know now was the wrong thing to do but we were so caught up in each other we didn't think about what would go wrong. We had our arguments and in the last couple of months we argued a lot because we were in eachothers faces constantly and acting like a married couple which is wrong because we are so young. Nearly 2 weeks ago he moved home after a big argument. After some advice from a friend I thought that him moving home was a good thing because I thought we could go back to the way we used to be and act more like boyfriend and girlfriend. But now I have feel like I have pushed him away completely because when I told him that him moving home was a good thing and for us to sort things out, he is just saying that he doesn't know if we should be together anymore. He is in two minds about it and half of him wants to break up and half of him wants to sort things out but I don't think he believes that things will be different in a good way. He is not giving me a chance to prove myself to him and I do believe we can make it work. It has taken this to happen for me to realise how much I love him and I know that I have to change to be with him which I am willing to do. I just want the chance to prove myself to him but I can't seem to convince him to give me that chance. At the moment we are not completley broken up but I need to convince him to give me a second chance I know things can be different and better. Sorry for the long story. Please help!:(

[chuff]

I'd let this play out as it's going. He's probably right when he says it's over, he's already moved out and he's happier so the only way you can show him you've changed is by accepting his wishes at the present time. When you talk with him from now on don't be a nag and be happy around him. If your depressing and complaining he's going to want no part of you.

[ellie c]

Hey chuff yeah I do agree with you because lately I have been nagging him nearly everyday about what's going to happen with us and its so hard not to call him because I know that's not what he wants right now. I talked to him on the phone last night and I asked him what he wanted he still couldn't answer me. He said he just wanted to leave things the way they are at the moment but we are in between things at the moment which is really confusing... I told him that things will be different if he just gives it a chance and he told me to stop putting pressure on him or he would take the easy way. I asked him what that was and he said its breaking up... so from that I do believe that he kind of wants to sort things out but thinks it would be easier to break up. I haven't called him at all today which is a change and I'm sure he has noticed but I am just afraid that if we don't talk for a while that he is just going to forget about how much we were in love and feel that he is just going to lose complete interest in me because all he knows and remembers at the moment is the last few months of arguing and I am afraid he is going to just break up with me completley. I just want to know if there is any chance for us. I don't know what to do to make this situation any better I'm confused help!. Anyone, just need another persons point of view??

[chuff]

hey chuff yeah i do agree with you because lately i have been nagging him nearly everyday about whats going to happen with us and its so hard not to call him because I know thats not what he wants right now.

Yeah. That’s what no guy wants. If your just nagging him that means your not fun to him. In fact it means your not even neutral. No guy wants to listen to a girl complain to him. That’s not to say you can’t address issues with guys but you have to do it in a conversation and not be negative about it. In other words address your negative issues in a positive manner.

I talked to him on the phone last night and I asked him what he wanted he still couldnt answer me. he said he just wanted to leave things the way they are at the moment but we are in between things at the moment which is really confusing...

But that’s not confusing. You are just choosing to or maybe because of your highly emotional state you can’t see that it’s not confusing. But he wants to have space now to see if you can change like you said or if you can’t. For him (and for you) there is no reason not to jump back into something that is already unstable.

i told him that things will be different if he just gives it a chance and he told me to stop putting pressure on him or he would take the easy way. i asked him what that was and he said its breaking up...

I agree with him. You can’t force a second chance or the idea that you’ve changed on him. It just can’t be. You must show him over time.

so from that i do believe that he kind of wants to sort things out but thinks it would be easier to break up. i havent called him at all today which is a change and im sure he has noticed but i am just afraid that if we dont talk for a while that he is just going to forget about how much we were in love and feel that he is just going to lose complete interest in me because all he knows and remembers at the moment is the last few months of arguing and i am afraid he is going to just break up with me completley.

Be apart for awhile will be good for both of you. For him it will help determine if he wants to continue and for you it will help you make the changes you say you want to make.

i just want to know if there is any chance for us. i dont know what to do to make this situation any better im confused help!......... Anyone, just need another persons point of view???

Stay away for awhile. Give it space. He’s asked for it and you need it so make the changes you said you would work on so that if he comes back at a later time you can work with him on it.

[ellie c]

Thank you so much for your advice. You seem to be very wise! I understand what you are saying completley but am still afraid that he is gong to have so much fun without me that he will forget about the way we can have fun and be happy together and will just cut me out and not give me the chance to show him the changes I have made already... by changes I mean not taking my mood out on him when I come home from a bad day at work because he is the nearest person to me! Things like that won't happen anymore since he has moved home. I do believe that if he was going to break up with me he would have done it already. I just need to know that there is a chance for us at least then I can get on with things and be happy. I suppose what I really want to know is if this ''space'' thing really does work and give him a chance to miss me or does it make him think what he is missing out on... its just so hard didn't ever think I would be in this situation. Its beeen a really tough couple of weeks and don't know if its been that tough for him or do men have a different way of dealing with things like this...

[Nosnosna]

Thank you so much for your advice. You seem to be very wise!

Chuff is good that way.

I understand what you are saying completley but am still afraid that he is gong to have so much fun without me that he will forget about the way we can have fun and be happy together and will just cut me out and not give me the chance to show him the changes I have made already...

If he's going to have enough fun without you to forget about you, then he needs to be alone or with somebody else anyway. It takes a lot to make somebody forget, so anything to make one forget about all the good stuff in a relationship is worth taking seriously.

by changes I mean not taking my mood out on him when I come home from a bad day at work because he is the nearest person to me! Things like that won't happen anymore since he has moved home.

If being physically separate is the only thing to keep you from doing that, then that's not the kind of change you need to make. You need to work on yourself so that you don't have the urge to lash out at anybody over things they're not involved in. Otherwise, if you do move back in together in the future, you'll be right back to that behaviour, and everything will be the same.

I do believe that if he was going to break up with me he would have done it already.

It's not that simple. He's likely unsure of what he wants in that regard... he's trying to balance the things for and against staying together. He really does need to figure that out, and as strange as it seems at first, you're the least likely person to be able to help him on that.

As much as it may suck, you do need to accept the possibility that he's already made the decision, and is just working himself up to telling you. Breaks of this type are sometimes taken specifically for that purpose. This isn't the most likely scenario, but it bears considering and preparing on your part.

I just need to know that there is a chance for us at least then I can get on with things and be happy. I suppose what I really want to know is if this ''space'' thing really does work and give him a chance to miss me or does it make him think what he is missing out on...

If a person wants space, always always always give it to them. By refusing that, you force them to choose now on something that they need time to think about.

I'll give you the explanation I've given others on this: Giving space may or may not work. Not giving space will never work.

its just so hard didn't ever think I would be in this situation. Its beeen a really tough couple of weeks and don't know if its been that tough for him or do men have a different way of dealing with things like this...

It's almost certainly been hard on him. But you don't need to worry about that... worry about you. You're the only one you can really affect, so work on that. Worrying about what he is or isn't going through is, in the end, a useless way to spend your time and energy.

[chuff]

Nosnosna broke it down and answered every question pretty much just as I would’ve so I can’t really elaborate too much more. I’ll just add a few things.

Thank you so much for your advice. you seem to be very wise!

Appearances can be deceiving.

Just kidding thank you for the compliment.

i suppose what i really want to know is if this ''space'' thing really does work and give him a chance to miss me or does it make him think what he is missing out on....

It’s worked for me twice before. Although I didn’t know what it was at the time, I just broke up with the exes and quit talking to them. I thought it was over forever both times, but they came back. That being said both relationships did eventually end.

its beeen a really tough couple of weeks and dont know if its been that tough for him or do men have a different way of dealing with things like this......

Actually men usually have it worse. We can’t really cry or even talk about our break ups with our friends or family so we wind up internalizing a lot of the emotions. So from an emotional stand point it could be worse on him. That being said it sounds like he’s being very logical and giving this space and men to tend to be more logical then women. I can’t speak for him specifically but yeah men do suffer during break ups despite popular culture painting us as uncaring jerks.

[ellie c]

Thanks so much guys for all the help. One of my close friends reckons that leaving him be for now is what he needs and she does think that things will work out between us. So the latest is I did not contact him all day long, like I thought he wanted, then he text me tonight and said ''you're very quiet'' I replied and said yeah it's the new me! And told him I can be quiet when I want to be... just to pass it off as a joke. He replied and said yeah it's a lot better and I just joked again and said I'm a quick learner! He just said goodnight and talk tomoro I said goodnight back. What do ye guys think? Or am I really over analysing things? Well women do anyway its not our fault! And also I didn't phrase that very well when I said I take out my moods on him when he is here. That was a stupid example I just meant arguing over stupid little insignificant things that's all and it was because we were living in eachothers pockets so I know now that if there was ever a chance for us and if we did move in together again in the future I would know that we would also need our space. I have learned from my mistakes. Everything has just come in to perspective in that now... tell me what ye think and thanks again to chuff and nosnosna x

[chuff]

then he text me tonight and said ''you're very quiet'' i replied and said yeh its the new me! and told him i can be quiet when i want to be.... just to pass it off as a joke. he replied and said yeah its a lot better and i just joked again and said im a quick learner! he just said goodnight and talk tomoro i said goodnight back. what do ye guys think?? or am i really over analysing things?

Yes you are. You just have to pull back and let him have his space.

and also i didint phrase that very well when i said i take out my moods on him when he is here. that was a stupid example i just meant arguing over stupid little insignificant things thats all and it was because we were living in eachothers pockets so i know now that if there was ever a chance for us and if we did move in together again in the future i would know that we would also need our space.

I think we understood what you meant. But guys don't want to come home to a whiny y nag. It's depressing and you'd rather do anything then be there with that person. It's one thing to say “the phone bill has to be paid, can you please take care of that” as opposed to “Have you paid the phone bill or did you forget as usual?”

i have learned from my mistakes. everything has just come in to perspective in that now....tell me what ye think and thanks again to chuff and nosnosna x

I think you need to back off and just let him calm down and find what he wants. He asked for space and time and the only true way you can prove you changed is by listening to him.

[ellie c]

Really appreciate all that advice. Thanks again chuff. I am definitely going to back off if it is theonly chance I have to be with him. The thing he didn't believe was that I could change my ways and I really hope that this is the way. I still don't really understand why he text me lastnight. I thought he wanted no contact with me at all. I will see how today goes... I will keep you updated!

[JoeCanada76]

hi everyone, i need some advice...

i have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now. i love him so much and know he loves me. he basically moved in with me when we started going out which we both know now was the wrong thing to do but we were so caught up in eachother we didnt think about what would go wrong. we had our arguments and in the last couple of months we argued a lot because we were in eachothers faces constantly and acting like a married couple which is wrong because we are so young. nearly 2 weeks ago he moved home after a big argument. after some advice from a friend i thought that him moving home was a good thing because i thought we could go back to the way we used to be and act more like boyfriend and girlfriend. but now i have feel like i have pushed him away completely because when i told him that him moving home was a good thing and for us to sort things out, he is just saying that he doesnt know if we should be together anymore. he is in two minds about it and half of him wants to break up and half of him wants to sort things out but i dont think he believes that things will be different in a good way. he is not giving me a chance to prove myself to him and i do believe we can make it work. it has taken this to happen for me to realise how much i love him and i know that i have to change to be with him which i am willing to do. i just want the chance to prove myself to him but i can't seem to convince him to give me that chance. at the moment we are not completley broken up but i need to convince him to give me a second chance i know things can be different and better. sorry for the long story. please help!:(

I did not get a chanch to read all the other posts or answers.

First of all you said that you need to change yourself. You need to convince him to give you a second chanch?

I would say why do you have to change yourself? Maybe change your approach with this situation but never change yourself for somebody else. Only for yourself.

You need to convince him to give you a second chanch. All this is going to do is further drive him away. You should not have to force or convince somebody to stay with you. This is very unhealthy.

Now yes, grant you. It sounds like you moved way too fast in with each other. If your acting like married couples, maybe the solution is to get counseling like married couples. If you both want to make it work. I think for you yourself it would be important to get counseling. In counseling you will be giving very good ideas and thoughts on how to approach life in a different way. Possibly help you figure out things for yourself.

Here I believe even without reading you have had good advice given. At the same time it is good to get somebody else's take on it as well.

If only you want to work on fixing it but he does not want to then I doubt it will work. Both of you need to open the lines of communication. Communication is so important in a relationship. It is all in the approach. Actually letting each other talk and each other listen is important without the yelling or arguing whatever it may be.

Best of luck with you.

Joe

[ellie c]

Thanks jesushelper. By changing I mean changing my attitude towards everything. Realising that life is too short and we should enjoy it, not take my moods out on people and stop getting so worked up about small things that annoy me because it is not worth it and there are bigger problems in the world and more important ones instead of him not feeding the dog or not doing the washing up and just small silly things that don't matter that much I just want to chill out and not take these small things so serious. I have learned this in the past few weeks but I feel like I have pushed him away by nagging and arguing about these silly things constantly and am afraid that after this 'break' from each other, he is going to just remember the bad times and not the good. We were so happy before and I think that if we were happy once, we can be happy again but I just need that chance to show him and not by forcing him in to it... thanks again

[JoeCanada76]

The thing is, that normally happens in relationships. That usually happens in marriages. That one person nags another person. Or things start bothering them that might have not bothered them before but that is where communication is key. Working through these small things. Yes, it may get tiring and challenging and sometimes it may not seem to end, but understanding and love will rule out if this is a true love for him and for you. Do you know what I am trying to say. Normal routine days are the same everyday and there are times that you might need a good fight, these fights are a true test to your love for each other because after them you should even be stronger then before, in my opinion.

[ellie c]

I totally aagree jesushelper, and any fight that we had before which weren't major, did make us stronger and we got through them but this time is different because he moved out and I know it is the best thing because I thought that we would go back to the way we were when we met but I think he is still angry with me and he says that half of him wants to break up and half of him wants to make it work because he loves me he just doesn't know what to do at the moment and I really need to know is there any way I can help this situation so that he will realise him moving home is a good thing that can make our relationship work. He is just a bit angry with me at the moment. I didn't contact him all day yesterday because I thought that was what he wanted and he text me later lastnight saying that I was very quiet? I don't know why he did this because I thought he didn't want to heasr from me but I'm a bit confused now and hope he misses me because if not that message made me think that there is a chance for us...

[JoeCanada76]

There is always a chanch, and your taking the advice from others who say just back off a bit and see where things go. Give him the space. Sounds like he is missing you now. I am kind of curious on the fight that pushed him to move out? At the same time I know it is personal. I am just wondering if it was an over reaction on his part or not?

I have more to say but I will add on later.

[ellie c]

No that's fine. Basically a week before we had the big row and he left, we were out on a sat night and we were just niggling at each other all day and I was with my friends and him with his friends. So at the end of the night I wanted him to come home with me and he wanted to stay with his friends so we had a row about that and I went home alone. At around 4 in the morning he rang and said he got into an argument with some guys an one of them hit him in the head with a glass bottle so he needed to get stitches!! Oh the drama! I was angry about that because if he came home in the first place that wouldn't have happened... anyway the next day I went off with my family and came back and he was gone with his friends and I know I probably over reacted but I was annoyed that he didn't spend his weekend with me. Anyway that evening he came home and I ed at him about being in a fight and all that week we were just arguing and so then on the Saturday night he went off with his friends again and I nagged him because he hadn't stayed with me to sot things out from the week before. So he went out with his friends that night and went to a party in his best friends house and slept there. I was even more annoyed with him and was hoping he would call to my house the next day but... no... he stayed with his friends just driving around and I told him to come back and collect the dog and collect his stuff.. he brought two of his friends with him which made me more angry because I just wanted to sort things out but I know I shouted and nagged. So he came back, got the dog and I told him to get out so he started to pack his stuff in to bags but in the end after a screaming match he left his stuf and just brought his work clothes so I knew he wouldn't be back that night. I asked him to meet me and talk but he told me I needed to calm down and cool off first. Which looking back on now I did need time to calm down so the next night he agreed for me to call out to his house and I di. He sat in my car and we idnt communicate well. He said he was sick and tired from work so I left him off and went home. He was sick for three days after and I did feel guilty for shouting at him then. I saw him valentines night while he was sick we just watched a dvd and didn't talk about anything so I thought it was kind of OK.. that was nearly two weeks ago and I have seen him a few times since and talked. He is telling me he wants some space I didn't see him in three days and didn't contact him yesterday or today and as I said I got the text message from him lastnight and that's it I'm here now waiting to see what's going to happen. So sorry for the long essay but that's the story really and its kind of good to just type all that out and read it!. still really want to sort this soon and will do anything to be with him. I miss him and miss my dog too!

[Cb1]

I don't think the reason your boyfriend wants to stay away from you is because you nag when you are having a bad day.
Trust me it is deeper than that.

Ask yourself this question, what are you afraid of? That he is having fun without you, if somebody is having fun without you, and you cannot seem to have fun without them, then he is not going to want to come back to you. Sorry!

Take my advice.

Talk to a therapist so that you can concentrate on getting over him.
Do not get hooked on you guys coming back, because girl! You might find that you are living your life for him and that you are missing some good guys out there and also find that you are not happy.

Ask yourself do you think if he sees another girl he will not jump into relationship with her.

Girlfriend I know you love him but do not put your hapiness into other people's hands.

If feel you have hurt him just give him a sincere apology and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

[talaniman]

Girlfriend I know you love him but do not put your hapiness into other people's hands.

I think this is such good advice. I don't believe you should be sitting around moping and hoping he comes back. You should be out getting a life without him that makes you happy. Depending on him to make you feel good is unhealthy and not fair to either of you.

[fhanya]

hi everyone, i need some advice...

i have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now. i love him so much and know he loves me. he basically moved in with me when we started going out which we both know now was the wrong thing to do but we were so caught up in eachother we didnt think about what would go wrong. we had our arguments and in the last couple of months we argued a lot because we were in eachothers faces constantly and acting like a married couple which is wrong because we are so young. nearly 2 weeks ago he moved home after a big argument. after some advice from a friend i thought that him moving home was a good thing because i thought we could go back to the way we used to be and act more like boyfriend and girlfriend. but now i have feel like i have pushed him away completely because when i told him that him moving home was a good thing and for us to sort things out, he is just saying that he doesnt know if we should be together anymore. he is in two minds about it and half of him wants to break up and half of him wants to sort things out but i dont think he believes that things will be different in a good way. he is not giving me a chance to prove myself to him and i do believe we can make it work. it has taken this to happen for me to realise how much i love him and i know that i have to change to be with him which i am willing to do. i just want the chance to prove myself to him but i can't seem to convince him to give me that chance. at the moment we are not completley broken up but i need to convince him to give me a second chance i know things can be different and better. sorry for the long story. please help!:(

I'm going threw the same thing one thing I've learn is their is always a reason for what a man do I was crying to mine all the time when I talked to him or saw him it didn't do any good some men only care about their feeling and not realizing what they are doing to their partner and they also feel in control when they know your in love and they can do what they want and you will still be their act like you don't care anymore and see what he does if he loves youj he will come around if he don't then you will know