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misscheer29 · Apr 5, 2012, 02:16 PM

So my boyfriend and I have been together for four months; but we have been friends for 12 years. I just recently told him about everything in my past and it's hurting him. A couple of weeks before we were together, I did something I shouldn't have done with another guy. I realize my mistake was completely stupid and I can't believe that I didn't see anything bad about it. He's worried that my past still might be a part of my future since it was so recent. He tells me that he is unsure of who I really am. I hate having to see him hurt because of my stupid mistakes--especially since it was so recent. I am unsure how to prove to him that I see what I did was wrong and I plan to stay away from that same mistake in the future. But how can I prove that to him when I don't have any evidence that I've changed? I started talking to him a couple of weeks after the bad incident. Should we separate completely and see other people to see if the same situation comes up? Should he just accept what I did and trust me that I have changed even though there is no proof? I also want to know that I have truly changed, myself. In my opinion, he is not wrong at all about worrying of this. If he wasn't worried, that would actually bother me. Help would be great. Thanks.

odinn7 · Apr 5, 2012, 02:27 PM

First, discussing your past with your boyfriend was a mistake. It is your PAST. It is none of his business and when it's discussed, this is what you get. You get him making you feel guilty for stuff you did before you were with him. It really doesn't matter what you did, you weren't with him so that's that. Now you're feeling all guilty for things you did and, if I am reading this right, he is helping you to feel guilty. Guess what? It's not your problem... it's his problem.

You do not have to prove to him that you are different. You do not have to prove to him that you will not do this stuff again. It is up to him to either trust you or not.

Tell him that and tell him to just deal with it. He shouldn't have asked, and you shouldn't have told.

Just out of curiosity... did he tell you his past?

misscheer29 · Apr 5, 2012, 02:39 PM

Well I do disagree with you that I shouldn't have told him. What my past is, has gotten me to where I am today and who I am today. Yes, it may be a different direction that I am going, but it still got me where I am today. He did tell me his past. However, mine is much worse. I understand why he is concerned of my past because what is my past, was very recent--it was a couple of weeks before we started talking--not even half of a year ago.

Wondergirl · Apr 5, 2012, 02:44 PM

I agree with odinn7. Your past is YOUR past. It's none of his business. I've never told my husband of 45 years MY past nor has he ever told me his, and we are happier because of it. Being together doesn't mean a couple has to share EVERYthing, not even passwords.

misscheer29 · Apr 5, 2012, 02:56 PM

I understand that couples do not have to share everything. I haven't shared everything, nor am I going to. But my past from a while ago is not what is bothering him. It's the past that was so recent. Two weeks before we were interested in each other, something went on that shouldn't have with another guy. How is that not important? He wanted to know when my last relationship was and how it turned out.

Wondergirl · Apr 5, 2012, 03:05 PM

Originally Posted by misscheer29

Two weeks before we were interested in each other, something went on that shouldn't have with another guy. How is that not important? He wanted to know when my last relationship was and how it turned out.

It was still before he was in the picture, so none of his business. Your past relationships are not for him to know about. Your relationship with him is all that matters.

misscheer29 · Apr 5, 2012, 03:09 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

It was still before he was in the picture, so none of his business. Your past relationships are not for him to know about. Your relationship with him is all that matters.

Now this is just a hypothetical situation, it hasn't really happened, but what if I had cheated in past relationships? Should I not let him know?

Wondergirl · Apr 5, 2012, 03:25 PM

Nope. It's none of his business. How you acted with previous boyfriends does not mean you will act that way with him.

odinn7 · Apr 5, 2012, 04:34 PM

Wondergirl is right. And I say again, your past is your past. Whether you cheated before or not... it's not something you need to tell him... but clearly, you already did.

Anyway, if he can't get beyond this, then it's time to look elsewhere. Are you going to spend the rest of your time with him letting him make you feel guilty for something that didn't even involve him? Good luck on that.

talaniman · Apr 5, 2012, 10:33 PM

I don't care how long you had known each other, I think it was to soon to tell him anything. If you feel guilty about what you did before you met him, that's an issue YOU resolve. But for him to be disturbed about it, that's HIS personal issue to deal with.

Since you both are tripping over this issue, you talk about it and resolve it or what's the point??

sparks123 · Apr 6, 2012, 10:27 AM

I'm in the same boat about my boyfriend worrying about my past. My boyfriend forbids me from talking to my ex, because he thinks there are still feeling there, even though I've told him a million times there isn't. The only way your boyfriend can see that you've changed is to stay with you and wait until he is ready to accept that you've changed. If not, then he isn't worth your time.

misscheer29 · Apr 7, 2012, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by sparks123

I'm in the same boat about my boyfriend worrying about my past. My boyfriend forbids me from talking to my ex, because he thinks there are still feeling there, even though ive told him a million times there isnt. The only way your boyfriend can see that you've changed is to stay with you and wait until he is ready to accept that you've changed. If not, then he isn't worth your time.

Thank you very much. You're right. He's just got to trust the fact that it's in the past and it's not going to happen in the future. As for you, he really shouldn't forbid you from talking to your ex, but I understand how he would be worried if you did talk to him. But still.. he should trust you. So for both of our situations, we can't really do anything, it's there turn to make the move. If they trust us, great, if not, they aren't worth our time :)