[flowergurl]

I’ve always wanted kids but now that I have them I just don’t enjoy it. I don’t like motherhood at all. They are ages 3 and 2 (13mos apart) they are a hassle they don’t listen I get agitated very easily... when the defiance starts I try to speak calmly and nicely but with authority in my voice _ it doesn’t work, time out doesn’t work, it takes me to lose it and start screaming and spankings to get a result but that result doesn’t last and it starts again. To cope with this I ignore them I just put them in front of the TV and I keep to myself. I realized I need copious amounts of downtime to keep my sanity at the expense of my children, I can’t keep my house clean... I have trouble prioritizing and following a chore schedule so I’m always chasing my tail with housework and it never gets done. I never even decorated their nurseries fully their room looks plain just a crib and toys everywhere. I just don’t care.

They have a dad we are separated because we fight a lot he grew up with a mother who took care of all sorts of kids and cleaned house all the time so obviously I fall short. As a result he has verbally abused me so many times. I suspect he has bpd and when he is hostile he takes it out on me all his problems are my fault. If I’m naïve enough to confide to him about how I feel regarding motherhood I am told that I’m lazy and not a real woman and that my stress from raising two kids is in my head because I’m lazy and don’t like to work. I have a career in healthcare but I don’t work full time. He doesn’t work he collects SSI plus his mommy hands him money every week for "helping out w/the family business". His mother always watched the kids (for free as per her because she likes to be the martyr and save the day) when I went to work and I think the reason they don’t listen to me is because she established herself as the alpha female in their life... I notice my 3 year old straightens the f*** up when grandmas around but she don’t listen to me I am angry and discouraged I lost power over my kids I think the grandma puts her foot in the door all the time always being the golden martyr offering her free favors and saving the day I think she does this because she’s a control freak disguised as a do gooder always in our lives ready to buy the kids overabundance of clothes toys always enabling her bpd son instead of getting him proper help. She comes across as a good person with a golden heart ready to do good and save the day and I know she’s not a "bad" person but I suspect she is a control freak who does things for free just so you can need her then she has the excuse to stay in everybody's business.

Sorry for the rambling and grammar errors I’m tired and I just don’t care anymore. I have no desire to nurture my kids and I feel bad. I know I’m a bad mom because I ignore them but at the same time I feel suffocated from the meddling from her and the psychological abuse from their father who claims raising two kids is easy which I find ironic coming from a person who only has those kids at his residence 2 or 3 days at a stretch and I know his mom drops by during those couple days to help with the kids so he has no clue what its really like to experience mental exhaustion from 2 small children 24/7... I have no friends and no family and I suspect I have Asperger’s which might account for the lack of friends and desire to be around my kids. The bottom line is I feel like if I’m around the kids all the time and don’t reserve mass amounts of down time for myself it feels like they are sucking the life out of me where I’m too overwhelmed and I shut down... shut down meaning: depression, self-neglect, housework neglect. It’s an awful way to feel and live. Any opinions?

[msbear]

I know this post is over a week old so you may not be around to read this.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm not a mom but I can imagine having two little kids only 13 months apart is bound to be challenging. On top of all that, your husband sounds toxic - a classic Mama's Boy. I recognize the type - no woman will ever measure up to Mom, who rules his life with an iron fist. Their relationship is basically emotional incest.

I'm not a psychiatrist but I think you may be suffering from depression. I don't know much about postpartum but I've heard it can start up to a year after giving birth. Can you see a doctor? If you are regularly losing it around your kids - to the point that you become someone you don't recognize - it may be time to get help. For me, I found the combination of therapy and medication was a lifesaver.

Also, maybe you can meet some other moms in your area through play groups, community centers, etc. Taking care of kids all day can drive you bonkers, and I'm sure there are other mothers who are eager for some adult conversation.

[Nicola2-1]

Well she sounds just like my Mum! And I bet that felt good to get that of your chest. Yes I think it's a good idea to get some help and support from your GP and even some counselling so you can let off to someone in a safe environment. A place for you where you can find you. GP offer some for free if you ask.
Also if its possible to join a health center that has a crèche for the kids I know this can be expensive but relaxing in a sauna and just being around other adults kept me sane when my kids where younger. Is it possible you can talk to your mother in law your both adults tell her how you feel their your kids. A lot of controlling people are anxious and insecure inside being involved and helpful makes them feel better. Try and understand her back be strong and set the boundaries.

[Nicola2-1]

And please start to care their not small for very long trust me you don't want regrets