[sniderman7]

Hey, so here's some backstory:
I'm currently dating this amazing girl that lives on my street. I have known her and her family since we were both six. My family had always gotten along splendidly with hers. They would come over to our house for cookouts, birthdays, etc. The girl and I had always been friends, but recently it became something more. We've been dating for 6 months now, and I have come to realize some things that weren't so apparent. First of all, her mother (who is originally from Nicaragua and has a heavy Spanish accent) is EXTREMELY controlling and generally just a mean person. She constantly chastises my girlfriend about her dating choices, insults me to my face, doesn't approve of anything my girlfriend does, and tells her she's stupid and a slut. From what I understand, this started happening during my girlfriend's sophomore year. We're both 17 now and turn 18 in two months.

Anyway, my girlfriend got extremely depressed when it all started and turned to cutting. She currently has around 20 scars on each arm just below the shoulders. Luckily, I've been able to turn her away from doing that since we began dating. But she only cut herself when her mom pushed her to the breaking point. Now, for the first two months we dated we kept it secret from her mom. We did sneak out at night a couple of occasions, but we merely talked or watched a movie. She got caught though, and I had to play psychiatrist to prevent her from cutting after her mom stopped screaming at her. Eventually, my mom spilled the beans. She had called her mom to see if my girlfriend could come over for New Year's Eve for a little while. My girlfriend's mom then proceeded to chew my mom out and insult my family. This led to my mom sending my girlfriend's family a letter asking them to let us date. My girlfriend's dad and her two brothers agreed with my mom, but the mother didn't. However, she was overruled, and we were allowed to date.

Everything went fine for about 2 months, but the mother started criticizing my girlfriend again, and to an even greater extent. Things went overboard on March 15th of this year, and my girlfriend wanted to break up because she couldn't take the ridicule from her mom anymore. I spent two hours on the phone with her, both of us in tears (mine were manly), and convinced my girlfriend to let me talk to her parents to see if we could just make amends. However, my girlfriend changed her mind the next day after her dad told her that there wouldn't be any point in trying to convince her mom to change her opinion.

So, the next day (we both work at the local fast food chain) my girlfriend came into work sobbing uncontrollably. Luckily, one of the managers was able to calm her down and convinced my girlfriend to let me talk to her parents. 24 hours later I was sitting in my girlfriend's living room, across from her parents while she was at work. I explained that I was sorry for us sneaking around and that neither of us drink, do drugs, and that we're both virgins. We also both make excellent grades. Her mom brushed all of that off and just said she doesn't want us dating because we "have nothing in common" and that she "doesn't like me" despite the fact that she had always liked me until I began dating her daughter. Her dad went on to say that it wasn't personal, but that he doesn't want her dating until she's out of college (she'd be 26-27 by then). I left their house having accomplished nothing, and they even told me to never hang out with their daughter again due to our "history". I met my girlfriend after work and explained the situation. Once again, we were both in tears. We agreed that we shouldn't go on any dates for awhile, but that we could still meet before work.

A few days later though her mom caught us and went f***ing ballistic. I called my girlfriend that night and I got a clear image of what was going on. My girlfriend still loves her parents deep down, but hates the way they're acting. All she wants is approval, which is why turning 18 doesn't really matter to her. Yeah, she could move in with me, but her parents would hate her, and that's what she wants to avoid. Here's the thing though: she is going to be utterly miserable with her life if she chooses to appease her parents. She's different from them. She is agnostic, while her parents would only approve of her dating a very religious person. The people her mom deems "boyfriend material" are people that she would never get along with. As of right now, me and my girlfriend haven't been able to see each other for longer than 30 minutes since this all happened. She doesn't want to hang out outside of work because the doesn't want to lie to her parents anymore. She just wants them to approve of her decisions. But I have explained the situation to many different people of different ages and backgrounds, and every single one of them agree that her parents' approval is not worth it. Her parents just aren't good people, but they're still her parents.

How can I get her to see that she deserves better, and that what her parents are doing isn't right? I have never fought this hard for a girl, and I really don't want to lose her. We still text each other, but even that is starting to seem strained. When we do see each other at work, we tell each other "I love you". She has had this problem before, but she did nothing to keep the relationship together once her mom got involved. Right now that's the only evidence I have that she wants this to work. But it won't work until she realizes that her mom's opinions are just plain wrong and that she can't stay chained to them forever. How can I help her see that?

[Homegirl 50]

Just be her friend. Don't try to talk her into or convince her of anything, that will only make matters worse for her. This is a realization she has to come to on her own. You cannot change her feelings for her parents and you cannot change her parents mind.

[talaniman]

I think its you who try to let go, and do this her way, as no good can come of this continuing conflict with her parents. That's the best you can do for a bad situation and bring down everyone's streeses... except your own. Be friends for now, and see what happens later.