[Annieclaire]

I have always had a close and yet strained relationship with my mother. I'm a 30 year old single mum with a child, she's 60 and divorced. She interferes in every aspect of my life. I rely on her financially to a degree as she pays for my child's education. I have tried cutting myself off from her, but can not support myself or my child to a level I see fit. She threatened to cut me off and out of her will if I moved in with a boyfriend she didn't like. I do not want to fall out with her, I love her, and so does my child. I wouldn't want to take that away from her. She has no interest in men, just her children and friends. She is the most generous and funny woman, and yet she is so acerbic and smothering. She doesn't like me talking or the sound of my voice. She buys things for me and my home, which I try not to accept, so she can't use it against me in the future, but then this displeases her also. She is more into my looks and social life than my brain or talents. She throws things away she doesn't like in my house. She didn't talk to me for the first half of my pregnancy because she was so annoyed I was having a baby, I was too young, she didn't like my fiancé, I was too,poor etc. She sent me to countless psychiatrists as a teenager, I was just a normal teenager. She now lives five minutes away, she moved near me, what could I do? I am on antidepressants because of it all and really at a loss. It has been the same all my life. She is the same with my brother, her mother, my father. It's not just me. It's some sort of personality disorder I think. Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[Fr_Chuck]

You do exactly what she asks to stay in the will and let her pay your bills. Or you become a grown up and pay your own bills. So kids don't go to a private school, maybe you live in a smaller apartment,

Sorry you are allowing her to control you, the choice is yours.

[Annieclaire]

I've done this before and she won't talk to me, she just cut me out of her life, because she didn't didn't like my house and job. She lives with my elderly housebound grandparents whom I'm very close to, I couldn't bear not to see them or them see my son, I love them dearly. I've often thought I will do it again when they are no longer around. It's easier said than done, I would hate not to have a relationship with her, you only get one mum. I didn't want to say but she is actually living off my money, she sold our house which my father was giving my brother and I in his will. At the end of the day I've tried to keep the family together, it's not really for my financial gain. I just wanted to improve our relationship as she can't talk to me seriously about anything for longer than a minute.

[Jake2008]

There is no guarantee, that once you are grown, that you will have a healthy relationship with anyone, including family members. People change, circumstances change, goals, needs, wants, etc. all change as we go through life. Many times what makes up the relationship (in your case, with your mother), becomes a relationship that is unbalanced, and unhealthy for one, or both. She may not even be the same person she was five years ago, and neither are you.

Respecting the differences, and enjoying the common ground may not come easy, but there has to be boundaries, and balance in any relationship. It is not okay from what I can see, you allowing her to run your life, yet, she runs your life.

While it may have consequences should you step up and make some tough choices, weigh that with the benefit of being independent, self supporting, and mature enough to live a life under your own terms.

Everything is negotiable. Negotiate visiting times, in your home, and in hers. Tell her simple things like you expect a little respect with her stepping out of your private life, and that her opinion on your choice of men is not warrented, or wanted.

You are not teaching independence and self confidence in your daughter, when you lack those things yourself. You are dependent upon your mother, and she is dependent upon you. Do you want this pattern to repeat itself again?

Suggest counselling to your mother, for both of you. If she is unwilling, you go. That will be a very big part of cutting those apron strings for all the right reasons, not based on guilt and pressure. There are ways to learn how to live your life, while having your mother in it, but not controlling it.