[dove527]

Can anyone tell me how they would deal with this:

I got with my partner 1 1/2 years ago we moved in after 2 months and I found out I was pregnant third month. Everything seemed perfect but then one day he left his Facebook account open I could not help the temptation to have a look and found that he had been chatting to other girls at the same time we got together and after I took him on a trip to London when he returned he was messaging this one girl trying to impress her.

He was also commenting on pics and chatting to loads of women that he had slept with so I asked him to block them as they kept messaging him. I also found that he had told his previous girlfriend he loved her then 2 seconds later was messaging another girl, It has ruined my Idea of him and I now feel I cannot trust him as also he went on various porn sites and a chat sex site he was logged into came up with a women asking to do things to each other I was so upset I confronted him about the chat site he denies going on it and said about the porn site better he do that than go else where.

I have not mentioned that as soon as we moved in he did not seem and still does not seem to be interested in having sex with me which has made the situation worse. How can I get over this?

[talaniman]

You got with an on line junkie. But after a year and a half, its your being able to communicate honestly to make adjustments that benefit you both.

My gut tells me he is afraid of having more kids, and you are tired of not getting more attention, not just sex. I don't get the impression he is that serious about this relationship and its hard to tell, so how old are you both and whats the finances like? Do you both work? Whats been going on lately in other areas of your life, besides the bedroom?

Catching a partner in a lie opens the door for mistrust, and you better let him know he is caught in his lie. Or resentments will build and anything innocent or not, will be bigger in your mind. Just me, I would be putoff by his attitude as justifying what he does at home, is better than going out and doing it in person. That's utter BS!

Why do you allow this kind of behavior in the first place, without some kind of consequences if indeed he is taking you for granted? Just asking?

[dove527]

Thanks for your reply.

Well I was told I needed fertility treatment to have children and I discussed this with him and we said we would try in a few years but before I found out I was pregnant our sex life just suddenly seemed to stop.

He appeared at first in shock that I fell pregnant and so was I, but over the moon and he said it was his gift to me and said he loved me etc. Im 31 he is 28 now. I was a Manager at the time I met him so was better off, I was made redundant just as I found out I was pregnant but remained with the company with less pay and now on Maternity. He works full time and our finances are not to good he is terrible with money. In other areas of our relationship things have been great he tells me he loves me but he eyes up other women when we are out and I do tell him how that makes me feel. He is a very attrative and I know other women fancy him.

I think he likes the attention from women. He works in a male environment but still likes to smell great and look good so he feels good when out.

When I found the stuff on Facebook I was extremely upset and if I had not of been pregnant I think I would have ended the relationship he has blocked most of the people that upset me but he is still secretive with his phone and who messages him on fb he keeps telling me he has a surprise for me but he has been telling me this since oct last year.

I should also mention that he went out one night back in June didn't come home said he stayed at his friends who only lived up the road but he would not answer his phone. On another occasion in October he came home really drunk and called me another girls name and said I won't be able to contact her I will never know. I asked where he had been he lied and told me his friends house but I asked his friend and he never went there.

A week before I gave birth to our little one he told me he was thinking about his ex the other day, what a thing to say. But he always tells me he loves me said it would kill him to lose me and wants to marry me.

I love him to bits I really do and he is very loving. I spoke to his brother about my concerns and he said that if we were just in a relationship without the baby then he prob would cheat as not serious. But that made me feel worse I know he was trying to make me feel better.

Sorry to give you all this information but I feel like I'm going mad and my family think Im being paranoid.

[xoxocjc]

Wow sounds just like my boyfriend -__- . All I can really suggest is that you guys sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk about this and express how you feel calmly. It worked for me and I am beginning to trust my boyfriend again and I don't feel the need to look through his things. If he is not willing to stop then it's not worth being together, but I think you guys should talk things out first before making any decisions

[talaniman]

Basically what you suffer from is the early honeymoon, date to get to know you phase of the relationship, and jumped into an instant family thing with a stranger. You have ever had the chance to relax, explore and discover things about each other and are always in the life crises mode, so I imagine reality has hit you both very hard, and bonding and adjusting has to be extremely difficult.

The challenge here I think is better communications as you learn more, and a lot of patience to identify, and adjust to change and situations you find yourself in. I can see your insecurities though, NORMAL when thrust into such an emotional situation, where things are hard to figure, and new and strange to you, and you both are discovering yourselves as well.

This is a difficult path to take for sure. Let me suggest that you put less focus on him, and more on yourself to grow confident, strong and independent, so he can do the same in his own time, and neither of you feels pressured to carry the load alone. More action, less reaction, as frustrating as that is going to be, because I feel you both are two separate entities who have not bonded to trust each other fully, and your expectations for each other is so different, as well as your styles, and concerns.

You both can grow into reasonable roles of HOW to work together, but for now you are at separate points of personal development. Not your fault, nor his, but pregnancy is a life changing event for you both and may take a lot more time before you get on the same page, if you can talk NOW, and expect no big changes to result immediately.

The biggest thing though is learning to cope with your own feelings in a positive way, and not just react to the craziness around you. I can smell the resentments building, and disappointments undermining your own confidence, and that usually distracts you from the work that needs to be done.

Make sure you build your own confidence, and self esteem, so you can make good decisions, and have the strength to carry them out. Especially when discussing PRACTICAL finances. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. To be quite honest, you still need a year to fully heal from YOUR life changing event, and could be emotionally overwhelmed.

He needs to get slapped up side his head by an older female/male, because while reality has caught up to you, and matured you in many ways, he has not come along so fast, but us guys seldom do, LOL! So control the finances, and give him a reasonable allowance, even if he finds out he can't afford to golf as much as he wants to. But you must make darn sure you do something good for yourself as often as possible.

This really has nothing to do with sex, but managing frustrations, as you make adjustments.