[Mei1209]

Hi, please advise how I am to communicate to my girl of 20 years old. She is in first year of uni but she has been feeling that rather 'short changed' I guess. I'm helping my hubby in a rather long hour work and of course felt guilty of not spending much time with my children(I have 3). We tried to talk whenever we can when we are home but as they are growing up, little time is spent at home. My boys, one in army and her twin bro, is waiting to enter army. Both boys are fine and would try to spend time with us but not for my girl. I'm really vexed as to how to make her see we are concerned even when we are at work. She feels very unstable about her size, her looks and always making comparison with her friends. I can really go on and on but there are just too much for me to talk about. Most importantly, I need help in making friends with her again. Please advise, thank you.

[Schoolmarm97]

Ah, you poor mom! Sad to say, the situation is incurable. LOL She's at the developmental stage that requires her to finally break away from you and find her own path, and that often translates into self-centeredness. She is supposed to be that way. She needs to focus on her growing sense of who she is and separate that from your image of her and desires for her. And that she's at university means she is in direct contact (and competition) daily with her peers on a level that's quite different from any time in the past. They are all seeking their "selves" at the same time, which means there is a lot of comparing and sharing that does not--and should not--include you. I went through it when I was her age, and believe me, if I could apologize to my mother now that wisdom has been gained, I would. My daughter went through it and left me shaking my head at times and wanting to shake hers at others. You will both survive it.

If it makes you feel any better, she'll be your friend again when she's about 25. Just be supportive of her, try not to push your own agenda for her, and keep the lines of communication open. Don't beat yourself up over what you think you did or did not do when she was growing up. There's nothing about the past that you can change now.

[Wondergirl]

I agree with everything SchoolMarm said. Your daughter is going through the teen-and-20-something version of the "Terrible Twos" -- the psychological and even physical effort to separate herself from you and her upbringing in order to become her own person.

Don't take it personally. Just smile and be patient and continue to love her unconditionally.

I didn't become friends with my mom again until I had my first child at 25. Then, suddenly, she was the smartest and wisest person in my life regarding parenting, marriage, cooking, baking, sewing, gardening, animal care -- you name it. And she still is!