[estefalanani]

Ok so I know already that this whole thing is going to be really long and I'm sorry for those of you who are reading.

So I met this guy and we started slow. When we started talking, I was 17 and he was 22. I kept the relationship from my family because I didn't feel comfortable telling them about us because I never had like a good communication with them, and on top of that, they have always been extremely strict on me, and my family has had a string of bad relationships, so of course they would have negative views on it.

His family always knew that we were together and they even supported us.

One day I had gotten in trouble for something I can't even remember now, and had my phone taken away. So that meant I had no way to speak to him. So I told him and he offered to let me borrow his iPod Touch so we could talk. So that worked out until one day I got caught with it and got in major trouble or course. I had to confess that it was his and everything got blown up.

He came to my job a week later to follow me back to my house so that we could talk to my parents about us. But of course my parents had been spying on me and as soon as he pulled up, my dads car comes out of nowhere and my dad confronts him, saying things like what are you doing here, what do you want with her, you think that letting her use your iPod is going to help you get into her pants easier, and blah blah blah. I understand that they are trying to keep me safe, but they did not give him a chance to barely speak.

So my dad kept on going on and then ordered me to go home, at which time I looked at my boyfriend and he gave me like a reassuring face, so I went home and felt really dumb for at least not doing something. When my parents got back, they said I was not to talk to him or anything. They had agreed to give him back his iPod that night and I wanted to go with them so that we could all talk at his house with his parents too, but they completely denied to go, and of course I just wanted to work things out, but they never have.

I still found a way to talk to him because that's just me, I don't give up. So we kept our relationship going. This whole incident happened in November.

Well a little bit of time passed and my parents were still very angry and I was getting in trouble for ridiculous reasons. I will give you an example so that you can understand me. One day it was cold outside, like 30 degrees or something, and I was looking for a short sleeved shirt to put under my hoodie so that I didn't get too hot. Well I guess I was "taking too long" and my dad comes in, sees me in my short sleeved shirt and starts screaming at me " are you stupid, its cold outside, can't you see" and I was trying to explain what I was doing but I couldn't because he was going crazy. So I got mad and started screaming back at him what I was doing and suddenly he grabs me by me neck and shakes me, by this time I'm crying, in disbelief that he is doing this. He lets me go and walks out.

So I was crying my head off and I had to talk to someone close to me, so I told my boyfriend and he was furious that my dad had done something like that. I talked to him later that day and he offered me to move in with him when I was 18. But I felt uneasy about it because of how my parents were already reacting.

Months past and its like march and he says his family might be moving to Miami, and that he would eventually also. He explained to me why and what he said made sense, he was going to get a better job, make more money, and the weather was better there. So I was sad, but I didn't want to bring him down.

The next day he says that he wants me to go with him and once again I get that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, not because of him, but what my parents might do. I accepted because it was something I wanted, but at the same time, I was super super scared of how my family was going to react.

Time passed and it was may and I was graduating, my parents were feeling like something was going on and they confronted me and asked me things. One of those questions was "are you going to go with him" (they didn't know that he was in Miami) and I didn't want to continue with lies so I said yes. They were enraged again "you're going to throw your life away, you're just going to go there and get pregnant and not go to school, blah blah blah".

Of course I had no thoughts of anything like that, I had always been in charge of my life. They ended up not going to my high school graduation. I cried because I wanted to hug them and cry and say yes I graduated, but I didn't get that.

My boyfriend had bought me a plane ticket to Miami and offered to buy me luggage for my things. My parents of course had him cancel the plane ticket. They said that if he wanted me to go down to Miami with him, he would have to come up to Missouri and get me, marry me and then take me with him. I understand why they did that, to make sure that if he really loved me, he would do it. He accepted but he had just started a new job down there and didn't have an option to take time off.

At this point I had no way to talk to him and we stopped talking. My parents thought that this meant that he didn't really want to marry me and wasn't enough of a man. My parents were saying things like "We told you all he wanted is to get you in bed" , etc. But I was never convinced that that was the deal.

After a bit we just start talking again and were getting closer and closer again. After I had access to talk to him again he asked me to marry him and when I wanted it to be. I was in college now and at least felt that I should finish my courses. And on top of that I didn't want to tell my parents because again everything would go downhill. I told him that we should wait until I was done with my 2 years of school.

He got mad of course and we had a little fight. I feel that a relationship that doesn't have fights means that its not growing. So of course I thought I was a normal fight. That was at like in October. We had a couple more mild fights after that. I had so much pressure on me from school, and family, and stress of wanting to be with him but having to face my families reaction. But things we going well with us, he eventually said that he could wait for me.

One day, my dad was talking to this girl and this girl was on a social network. She was a friend of my boyfriend but told my dad some dark things about his past that she allegedly said he did. I confronted him about it and he said that there was this girl that had always had a huge thing for him, and when he rejected her, she started saying some bad stuff about how he acted. I have no idea he is lying or not.

I was getting tired of drama and wanted to be in peace for a little bit. I told him that it was better for the both of us to be apart for now, he was mad. So a few weeks pass and he messages me saying he stills loves me, that he wants to be with me, and even gives me his new phone number. I acknowledge it and don't talk to him for a bit, I wanted to see what he would do.

He messages me again a couple weeks later he really wants to talk to me seriously. I give him that chance and he pours his heart out. That he is serious about wanting to be with me, that he spoke to his parents about our break up and that they were furious that he hadn't tried harder for me, that's that when he realized that he wanted to really marry me and I say when and things will start to get ready. That he will come up to Missouri to come get me properly and get married.

I told him that if he really wanted to marry me, he had to talk to my dad. That he has to fix things up because if we do get married, that his family will be my family and my family will be his family. He agreed to try to talk to my father.

All this was just this week. I'm trying to do things the right way and I don't want to hurt anyone, but I want to live my life, I want to be with him, but at the same time I don't want my family to be hurt, saying that I ripped that family apart and that I'm going to ruin my life. I just want to be happy.

I want to add that he has been very good to me and in total we have been together for a year and a half. We are Hispanic, so I think that could change some peoples views on our relationship. I love my family even if they have made some bad decisions in raising me.

Please some advice...

[Jake2008]

You cannot live your life, dependent upon what your family- particularly your father- expects of you. All children eventually have to cut the apron strings and make it on their own, and learn from mistakes, and strive to reach goals and independence.

Why is marriage the deal breaker here for you.

Really- what stops you from moving to Miami, and simply returning to school, and maintaining your own independence before deciding upon marrying anybody. I don't see the benefit from going from the fire (your father) to the frying pan (your boyfriend) so to speak.

Why do you have to choose, at all.

Have you considered what you want out of your own life, without influence from anybody?

From what you have said so far, I think the bigger problem for you, is growing up, being on your own, learning how to make your way without a boyfriend, marriage, or your parents calling the shots.

Only after you know who YOU are, would it ever be time to consider marriage.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you should go to Miami and finish school there, that way you can see your boy friend and have some independence. Don't rush into a marriage.

[talaniman]

Please do not deny yourself the chance to explore and grow and experience new things by going from the home to the home of a guy. I get you want to be with him, but not at the risk of being still dependent on someone else to provide for you.

Sure your parents may have made mistakes raising you, according to you, but I can imagine they had there hands full, and you are sneaky, and rebellious. But they gave you a good start to a future, and that was their point. So don't rush into something without a lot more thought because we all know that going from the frying pan to the fire is no joke and not to be taken lightly.

Going for what you want is fine, just make sure you are getting what you want, and not just taking the easy way out, or rushing into something that you think you want. I suggest being independent, and able to explore your options before you take the marriage step.

At least be practical, and able to stand on your own two feet and sustain yourself, before you depend on anyone to protect and feed you. Dependency destroys people, and bringing nothing to the table in a partnership, will cause your knight to change into the devil.

Just think about it, and do things in your own time and make it work for you.

[SoftSummer]

WOW! Okay... I think that especially since you two are so young, before you make a resolute decision to get married you guys should to go counseling. I'm actually around your age and the only concern I have with the marriage thing is that often times there are unforeseen issues regardless of age that come with marriage, one of the main issues being money. No one wants to ever think about that when they're in love but it's a reality. I just hope that you two have a solid game plan you know... just make sure you guys can support each other so that awkward phone call to the parents about anything semi I-told-you-so never occurs. Speaking of which, I do feel like your parents are strict. Mines are strict as well. The one pro to getting married is that you'll hopefully be able to have that independence that you rightfully deserve at this point. However, it would be cool if you guys could wait until after you finish college. Not saying that you couldn't while married. You'll just have to set up a game plan of how you want that to happen as well. As far as the girl on the social networking website, I feel that had she been sincere she would have approached you about her concerns. Do you know her well enough to tell whether she's a valid source of information? I'm happy that asked him his side instead of being lost in the abyss of wonderment. Good for you. For him to be willing to talk to your father is very admirable. Regardless of the reactions from your parents, you're an adult now. Make the decision that's best for you.