[talaniman]

High Tech

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy which she handed to me with the car keys.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."





Mike's Girlfriend

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?"Is Mike there?"He's in the shower," she responded.

"He's in the shower," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," he said.

"This is Mike," I exclaimed.

"You're not my boyfriend!" he replied. "I know,"




Daytime Television

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."Do you watch much television here?"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."Only the daytime shows,"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."

Hopeless Pupil

"That's too bad," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."

"What do you mean, nice?" asked the puzzled teacher. "That's part of the punishment."

"It's no good, sir,"





Student Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

- As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
- Better be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the... bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- A miss is as good as a... mister.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the musketeers.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.





Drinking Too Much

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

The man replied, "Goes in both ears and out the other?"

[tamed]

Funny stuff

[RubyPitbull]

LMAO on the lawyer one!

Good stuff T-Man!