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Phattony · Feb 23, 2012, 10:23 PM

I have been dating this girl for 3 years last month and I love her more then anything, however, as the title points out, she is rather shy. We've had sex before but not nearly as much as a couple should have had when dating for 3 years (this is not on and off for 3 years but a total 3 years together).

We used to have sex more when we first started dating and because she was shy, I would always be the one to come onto her. When making love, she doesn't like any other position expect for missionary. She finds my **** disgusting and won't touch it unless prompted to do so. She finds anything remotely sexual disgusting, weird, gross, etc.

And to try and fix the situation I've talked with her about it and she claimed that because she has had no prior experience in the matter that she's not sure what to do. I've suggested buying books or watching porn of some kind to try and get her in the mood or give her a look into what an experienced sexual pairing might look like. However, she shudders at any of those ideas.

She is by no means not affectionate. She loves to see me and spend time together. She kisses me like there is no tomorrow. Having said that, that's as far as she goes -- kissing. She considers that coming onto me enough that I'm supposed to pick up on the fact that she wants to have sex. The problem is though is that she does that every day at every chance she gets even when she's not looking for sex. Ff

So after months of me being the one to come onto her and at times asking her to be the one to do so, nothing has changed. I tried not coming onto her at all in an attempt or experiment, if you will, to see if she would take the extra step needed to "come onto me"... Sadly, that is not the case. Nothing has changed. She gets angry with me for not "trying anything".

So fast forward a little later and we have made love a few times here and there, but again not the norm. By here and there, I mean like once every 4 months, if we're lucky.

Which brings me to my main problem which is whenever I bring up her being more adventurous or being more open with her feelings or what have you, she gets REALLY defensive and angry with me even though I'm not pushing the matter or anything. I've mentioned it to her twice and gotten the same reaction both times. I'm currently writing this after the 2d time this has happened.

To help you understand her, she considers dressing "sexy" or dressing in lingerie being seductive in any way or being intimate that is outside of the "norm," and by norm I mean outside of the bedroom or trying new things while making love to be dirty and not classy and slutty or whorish. And while I would agree going to a nightclub and screwing some random guy in that fashion would indeed be one, if not all, of the things mentioned above.

Having said that, I do not think that is the case with two people who have been dating for 3 years. So I guess the real question is how can I get her to be or rather just talk with her about being more open with each other intimately without her trying to bite my head off?

(I'm not very good at putting my thoughts into words, so if anything is worded poorly or if you may have misunderstood one of the things I've said, please ask me to clarify and I will do so.)

Synnen · Feb 23, 2012, 10:37 PM

How old are you both?

Phattony · Feb 24, 2012, 06:38 AM

@ Synnen I Just turned 21 and she is 20

smoothy · Feb 24, 2012, 09:24 AM

YOu have to accept the fact this may be the way she is... you said she is shy... you can't simply say you want her to be not shy... thats a HUGE change... and exceptionally difficult.. and above all, she would have to want it. Only a previously shy person would understand what I'm saying... it might be more like asking someone that smoked 4 packs a day most of their life to stop overnight and expect it to simply end like that, that would be far easier to do. Many if not most shyness could be overcome... but it takes a herculean effort.. and a lot of time depending on the person. And its up to her... nobody else to decide if she should change. If she doesn't want it deep down.. then its not going to happen at all.

Learning to accept her as she is now is more reasonible.

And besides that... some people truly have no desire to be adventerous... sad but true. So all you can do is ask her nicely, but accept it if she isn't willing.

Also accept that even if she was... there is the possibility of her liking things YOU might not... and if that was the case... how would you respond to such requests if they came repeatedly... (this is only an example... she really likes pegging you... and you don't, what would you do? Google pegging if you don't know the term).

Talking is great... and something every couple should do more... just understand each person has their own expectations, likes, dislikes... and limits. We can't force our own onto them, at best you talk, and find areas of common interest, and you have to be happy with those, whatever they turn out to be.

If you find there aren't enough... or many at all, then you need to accept the fact they aren't the right person for you. You really don't want to go through life with someone that shares few common interests with you.

rayne14 · Feb 24, 2012, 10:53 AM

I was that way I was so shy I would not even answer my teachers in school. Shyness is a way of life for most. My husband thought I was stuck up when we first met because I was terofied to talk to him, he is younger by 2 years and he was and is my only person I have ever been with so I know where she is coming from the inexperience makes things difficult, and sometimes when you bring things up like dressing different she is taking it as an ansult, compliment her more as she is, and even in public make sure you introduce her as your beautyful girlfriend, never go a day without telling her how beautyful she is and you much you love her, I'm not saying you don't but it helps, and for the shy part it will always be there to a point, I am still terrofied of new people, I hope this helps from a shy woman's point of view!

Synnen · Feb 24, 2012, 11:52 AM

I think there is some sort of background on your girlfriend we need to know. Was she raised in a different culture? Sexually abused? Really religious?

People raised to think that sex is dirty have a hard time getting over that idea. It doesn't matter how many times you tell her it's not--it's ingrained into her. You know... like no matter how many times I tell you that blue is green, you're sure it's blue and nothing I can say will change that.

You do need to accept her as she is if you want this relationship to continue.

Phattony · Feb 24, 2012, 12:37 PM

Well nothing too weird about her up bringing as far as I know both her parents drink too much her dad quit but her mom still does and doesn't handle stress well what so ever and takes it out on her family. Her family isn't religious but her mother thinks that showing any skin at all and I mean AT ALL is slutty or being a whore etc. She was born and raised in the USA I'm the one with the different culture I'm Italian which is actually funny because I don't speak another language only english but she speaks both Japanese and French very well. Hope that helped clear up the background part. As for the clothing I don't ask her to wear anything revealing in public just to try different things in the bedroom. When we first started dating she wore a school girl outfit for me on my birthday but now a days that's out of the question even on special events such as holidays or birthdays.