[I3lackcell]

Hi, and thanks for reading this. I will start with some background. I am 27 and used to weigh over 300 pounds. After a year I was down about 100 pounds, but have put 30 back on for various reasons. I never had a girlfriend because I was always fat. The girls that were interested in me growing up, I was not interested in. The longest amount of time I dated someone up until this girlfriend was 2 weeks. Before my current girlfriend I only had sex once, about 2 months before we met, with a one night stand.

I have been dating my girlfriend for just over 4 months. It is the first relationship over 2 months for her. We were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend and went from there. She is on anti-depressants as depression runs in her family. She is also not on birth control. She will freely speak of how she has hooked up with guys in the past. It annoys me, but most of the time she just says they made out or whatever. It didn't bother me that much because she is 27 and obviously has been with other people, that is just a fact of life. The one that sort of hurt me was that the day after our first date she ended up having sex with a guy she met at a bar while watching college football. She eventually told me the whole story but it took a couple months. First it was they were just making out, then naked, then sex. Her roommate was pissed about her and she didn't talk to her for 3 months because of it.

The first time we had sex was our 1 month anniversary. We had sex roughly every week or every other week after that. I was getting woken up at 4am to fool around, and had morning sex before work once. This was all over roughly the first two months. Since mid December we have not had sex, so about 2 months. We did have oral sex for the first time though in mid January.

We hang out 3-4 times a week, kiss a lot, hold hands, etc. I have been bugged the last two months though. Every time it seems like we could have sex, we can't, because she won't on her period. I am fine with this, but when she isn't on her period we never seem to get to that point. She also has an issue with sleeping in the same bed. When we first started dating she was fighting with her roommate and slept over a lot. On our 3 date we slept in the same bed. Now she never wants to. She says she can't sleep well with someone next to her and that it isn't personal. I have given her space with this but if you are not staying the night, how are you having sex? I have even asked to come up for a bit after a day out and she just says she is tired and going to lay around. She also doesn't like to cuddle at all.

I always get told I am sweet, I am the best boyfriend ever, etc. Her parents who she had me meet 1 month in, really like me. Our only issues are things that are too heavy to deal with right now. She says down the road they will be issues but not now. I am atheist (grew up catholic), I don't speak to my mother, I am a libertarian, and I have some credit card debt. I understand that the first two are issues, but I am not political and I make enough money to cover my debt easily and in my business I get 7% raises every year and with an upcoming promotion will make 6 figures. My savings covers my debt.

I finally said enough is enough and mentioned this to her. It makes me sad because sex is important, I want to be with her and not having sex bothers me. She acted shocked. She thought everything was fine. She didn't understand why I would want more sex. I asked her if she thought it was normal that we hadn't since December and she said she didn't see that as a problem. I really didn't want to bring this up because I don't want to pressure her, I want her to want to. She said she will do better, but I don't know what this means.

I am having trouble deciding if I love her or the idea of her. If things do not change, can I break up with her? I am not sure. I really enjoy being with her, but this bothers me. I have tried to romance her to no avail. I may be out of options.

[I3lackcell]

Wow, I am happy that the first question I ever post on this site is answered like this. First, please read carefully, I USED to weigh over 300 pounds. Second I am a hockey player and over 6 feet tall. I am also built very large, 36/37 length shirts if you know what that means. I am slightly chubby right now because I have not been able to exercise for 6 weeks due to a wrist surgery. My weight is not the issue here.

[Fr_Chuck]

Sadly trolls or 10 year olds can also answer on here. So you open yourself up to any type of answer, they were given a formal warning for answering with a insult to you.

The issue here is perhaps her mental health, or your lack of demanding. If she is not staying the night or if she is in the other room, you start in one bed, have sex and then go to separate beds, many couples sleep in separate beds due to all sorts of reasons.

The other is of course what else do you do beside go to your house to have sex, what types of real dates do you do, she may have felt she was more of a booty call than a girl friend also.

You need to sit down and talk, if you can not discuss all of this with her, then there is no real relationship anyway.

[Wondergirl]

I congratulate you on your weight loss and for getting back into life.

Maybe now it's time to get to know this girl. You had sex with her very early in your relationship, and the sex theme seems to run pretty strongly through your post. Are you maybe obsessing over it a bit with her, and she's pushing you away? You seem to have the best of worlds--you are obviously smart, an excellent writer, a deep thinker, she loves you, her parents love you...

Are you two living together already? (you had posted about sex when waking up) Women love to be romanced (and sex isn't romance). Maybe that's what's missing. Perhaps she would like some romance in your relationship?

Also, don't press her for details about her earlier sex and romantic life before you came along. That's not good for her OR for you.

[I3lackcell]

She is clearly not a booty call. We go out to dinner and/or drink during the week once or twice usually and spend one night in watching TV and ordering takeout or I cook. On the weekends we usually have one date night and one drinking night. We are in Chicago so there are plenty of things to do. I am always looking for interesting things to do. So far we have been to comedy shows, movies, sporting events, concerts, and I'm sure I am missing some.

As I mentioned above I brought it up with her the other day but she didn't seem to think anything was odd. I tried to explain why I thought it was, and she said that she would try to work on it. The problem is that I don't want her to feel that she HAS to have sex with me, I want her to WANT to. My best friend agreed that it was odd to not have sex often with a girlfriend of that much time.

I am just sad that if things do not improve that I may have to break up with her. I don't think I can be with someone who is not having sex with me some what regularly. I could deal with weekly or slightly more but not monthly!

Yea, I am used to trolls, just not in the mood. Used to be a big gamer.

[Wondergirl]

I'm still waiting to hear about the romance, the sense of intimacy, the delicious mystery, the heightened awareness of her presence and how it improves your life. How do you communicate all this to her?

[I3lackcell]

I send flowers, we have drinks on the top of the hancock overlooking Chicago, my Christmas present of earrings are worn by her almost every day, I kiss her and tell her she is beautiful, I tell her she makes me smile, I give her my jacket when she is cold, I cook her favorite food, I forgive her when she messes up, I listen, I give her her space when asked, I am happy to hang out with her parents, I rarely complain. When she says I am the best boyfriend ever, I do think she believes that. I constantly get told that her friend are jealous and wish their boyfriends were more like me. My sister is jealous that her boyfriends don't threat her like I do mine. I do worry that because of this though she may just like the way I treat her and not me.

Another reason that I am worried is because how our relationship started. Early on after we had sex for the second time she mentioned never having an orgasm. I told her we could try anything. We ended up stopping watching our college football teams play each other in the 3rd and stopping by a sex shop. She picked out a vibrator (which she had never had) and some sexy underwear. We went back to my place and fooled around. She didn't like the vibrator, and said she just wanted me.

[Wondergirl]

Please sit tight. Tal or Jake or Cat, who are excellent relationship advisors, will see this thread later today and will certainly have something to say. I'm thinking you might want to get back into dating around a bit before sticking with only one woman. I do appreciate the fact that this particular one seems right for you in many ways, and we both know no one is perfect at all times and in all ways. Would it be possible to go together to a counselor for a few sessions, just to get yourselves on the same page? And maybe those "heavy issues" need to be discussed even at this early point in your relationship.

Thank you for sharing all this and for answering my questions. (By the way, I live near Chicago, so am glad to have "met" you!)

[I3lackcell]

Well, not sure that answers matter that much anymore. I think that fact that I wrote a page long question about this on a website that I never visited said enough. 95% sure we just broke up tonight. Not official, but pretty much so. Thanks for the comments.

[Wondergirl]

Well, not sure that answers matter that much anymore. I think that fact that I wrote a page long question about this on a website that I never visited said enough. 95% sure we just broke up tonight. Not official, but pretty much so. Thanks for the comments.

Maybe writing it all out helped you clarify your thoughts and come to a conclusion.

I wish you well. You have a lot to offer some lucky woman.