[silvercannonca]

I apologize up front for how long this is, but trying to give good picture. The reality is, friendships are very important, but sometimes a bit more sticky and I need help to know is this my opportunity to work on myself and grown in being able to accept people as they are, or do I need to cut loose, grieve, and move on?

I moved to a new city a year ago -- met this person who became a great friend very quickly. We would meet 3x a week to ride before work, she'd invite me over for dinner with her family now and then, would keep me updated on what is going on in her life, we'd go shopping with her kids, holidays with her parents, etc. One morning, she suddenly stopped riding - her excuse, 'my leg hurts'. About a week later, she had too much to drink and said, my leg never hurt, but that was still the end of the riding. -- I did wonder how she was able to get up so early to ride, work all day, and take care of her kids, husband, house, etc (we were riding at 5:15), but she never told me, 'i'm too exhausted to continue this' or something truthful. I kind of got the feeling that the reason we rode in the first place was she could tell people we were riding and invite a third person she was trying to mend a relationship with -- I was the pawn in that game. I also felt like sometimes the invites to hang with the family were because she was lonely, not because she wanted my friendship specifically. The holidays were genuine - I think (is this just my insecurity?)

Now I realize a reason she was so available for a friendship so quickly and fully when she had already lived in the community for 8 years is that she has friendship issues, but we'd been having great fun and laughs and I should be more accepting of people and I'm confused -- are her issues just pushing my buttons wrong or is she a real jerk?

Some background on her: privileged upbringing, one brother, her father was a colonel in the military but her family was very insular -- her parents had no friends (they have told me repeatedly how it was always just the 4 of them, they didn't have friends, and with the holidays, zero family friends, only immediate family). Other than her parents being very insular, they moved every couple years so my friend had little opportunity to make lasting friendships through neighborhood/school. She then went on to Ivy League school and medical school. She talks about never fitting in at Ivy school as she was 'fat'. She actually never was fat, just needed to lose at most 20 lbs and I do know that she had enough of a good experience that she went back for her 20 year reunion. Her family is 'perfect' in terms of her parents never raising their voice, always there for their kids, always tell them they love them, and her mother even told me a story of how one day her daughter (my friend) went to school after she had scolded her, then she, the mother, went to school to pull her out of class to apologize and tell her she loved her 'because you should never let your think you are angry with them'

Medical school - again, very privileged. Her parents paid for everything, her grandfather bought her a two bedroom condo to live in, etc. Once you are a doctor, people want to be your friend just because you are a doctor -- she often talks about how everyone wants something from her and she feels like the rich 'friends' she have make her feel like she has to buy their friendship. -- reality or not, to some extent is true, but she also has a ego that makes her announce to people that she is a surgeon upon first meeting them. My take, she has very little practice having appropriate interactions while growing up, and grown up world she is in a privileged world.

My background - very family, parents very involved in the community, always had people over or going to visit people, sports, etc. My families faults are the opposite - my parents had no money, my day was pretty violent in terms of hitting us with boards, hoses, etc. punching, choking, and such several times a week. My middle brother and I were not protected by my mother, so get more of it than the others. My parents never hugged us - ever, never said 'i love you', ever, and I was sexually abused by my father and uncle, which my mother blamed on me. I only say this to give a background of my insecurities. Despite the messy parts, I am pretty well adjusted, lots of friends, involved in the community, have an advanced degree, have traveled the world, etc. What I don't have is a significant other - mostly because, well, maybe because I haven't found someone right, or at the end of the day, while I trust most people, I have never thought someone really loved me enough to put me first so have not seen it until too late when it could have developed into something.

So, her problem - she has little experience interacting appropriately in non-offensive ways, or saying biting things (she knows this). My problem, I have a rejection fear. Our blow up -- I called her on saying biting things, her response, 'why can't you accept me for who I am' since then, our relationship completely changed. She still sends me text messages now and then saying things like blowing a kiss, but we haven't had a good laugh in too long and she no longer instigates any contact. She shows up if instigate, but where she always instigated before, now she does not. Part of the problem is, in her view, she has this terrible burden of her family, so much work to have two kids in elementary school, with one kid needing extra tutoring to make honor roll, and a stay at home husband, and parents who take the kids three nights a week, etc. Of course, I think, come one, get over it, but I have not said it.

Finally my question, am I being a fool by trying to make this work by telling myself, these are my issues, a healthy friendship does not have as much involvement as we did the first six months, and now even though we haven't had a meaningful outing since the blow up, we do still see each other once a week. To me it feels very forced and she is hoping I withdraw and she is just being nice, because as she has been characterized "the most non confrontational person in the world). On the other hand, she is busy with her professional and personal life (why more now than a year ago or six months?) and she has done with me as she has with all other friendships - tired of it, or taken it for granted, or got overwhelmed because she invested so much more into it then she could to glam on, but it was not sustainable.

I thought of her one of the best friends I have ever had, now I think I need to grow emotionally -- either by realizing this is a healthy relationship and accept her as is, or by realizing this is not healthy and letting to, mourning the loss, and moving on.

[Wondergirl]

I'm sorry if I missed it and have actually read your post twice in search of the information -- are you male or female?

What was the "ride before work" early in the morning all about?

She's a surgeon, has a husband and children, a household to care for, and has all this extra time too?

[Swiss_Ms.B]

Silvercannonca, I have the same questions as Wondergirl, plus, I didn't quite understand the blow up that you called her on saying biting things? Can you give an example?
Another thing that might play a role in your relationship might have to do with both of your backgrounds... your friendship seems to have been quite intense from day one. Long lasting friendships usually grow over a long time. Maybe you were both looking for someone who gave you what you needed - a new friend and someone who appreciates you for who you are. Your friend, a woman who has experienced moving a lot is probably a good friendship starter, but keeping a friendship up might be hard for her, especially because she might have experienced losing a lot of friends in her lifetime. It is typical for army brats - which from her story seems to be her case.

[silvercannonca]

answers to questions: yes, we are both women. The 'ride' is bike rides. There were three of us that would go for bike rides in the morning as a workout, the third person, Jane, made a comment to be once that she was glad I had started going because she didn't want to ride with my friend and if I were going, she could ditch most mornings. After Jane ditched for a month straight, bike rides were over ---- yeah, good question, how did she have time for all this? I wondered the same thing and was darn impressed - not sustainable, but she wanted the friendship with the other woman so badly that she was exhausting herself to do it. I guess that's my issue, she wants my friendship but she doesn't as there is always a different friendship that she is talking about. She would repeatedly tell me where I rate on her friend list on a scale of 1 - 5. I told her she needed to quit with the ratings, next time I talked to her, she scolded me for asking her to rate me amongst her friends. Uh, wth?

examples of biting things. 1) she asked me once if I knew john jones, another person in my field of work. I asked what was his speciality, her response - I don't know, it's not like you save lives. 2) she would call me names like '*****' and 'freakazoid' -- we were out riding one day and she asked me the name of a plant - I made up a name that was clearly not the name, like the 'manatt street hedge', clearly a joke, she got angry and called me '****ing *****' 3) we were at a party and I was talking about a roommate in grad school that had a parrot - the parrot had lived in a frat house in undergrad and said things like '****ing whore' (it really did), she said in front of everyone, 'was it referring to you?' (to clarify, no, I don't sleep around, and next party she said my NY resolution needed to be to get laid) 4) another party where I knew few people before going, she and her husband knew most of them and proceeded to go out side and leave me alone inside after we arrived together, but I am good at engaging people and those of us who stayed inside were having a good time, telling stories and laughing. Friend and her husband came back in and interrupted the conversation I was having with people inside by saying, 'she's a thief, she's a thief'. (before the party, which was right after work, I had discovered that the sweater I bought still had the security tag on it, someone at work took it off for me, spraying the purple die on the shirt - I had pointed this out to friend and her husband when they picked me up, saying I was going to tuck it in, but let me know during the night if it shows because I have nothing else to where and no time to run home). Clearly not only did they not have my back, they are the ones that pointed it out to everyone without the explanation. 5) she had cancer (minor in the realm of cancer as no chemo, no radiation, just surgery to remove the polyp and declared cancer free) and needed someone to travel to a town 400 miles from where we live to stay with her at the hotel near the hospital where she was staying for the required post operation recovery -- her husband was there the first week, a friend of hers for three days, and I was there the last three days - when I arrived, the first thing she said, 'you are only here because Mary couldn't make it'. Then three hours later, as we were driving around, she told me how she had bought Jane all these presents, etc. etc (Jane, the 3rd bike ride person), then says to me, 'you don't get anything because I bought you something to celebrate your having finished your big race' (I had done a 14 hour race the month before and what she bought me ended up being defective, so I had to pay postage to return it, never got a replacement, and she got her money back). When the husband was at the hospital, I took care of the dogs, the kids, the father who was recovering from back surgery -- I didn't do this so she owed me something, I did this because that's what you do for someone who is facing cancer surgery - I also volunteer in the community coach kids sports, visit the elderly, teach ESL for free, serve on community boards, etc. and I don't think anyone owes me anything, I just like the rewward and the social aspect in that you meet other volunteers who are willing to give their time free = decent people, but even though nobody owes me anything, if I take time of work and come up to some place far from home, a thank you would have been nice, and certainly not a comment of how I get nothing but Jane gets lots of expensive presents, especially when Jane did nothing to help, and in fact, kept making comments to others about how my friend was a drama queen about having cancer and she needed to stop milking it. Yes, I was hurt and began feeling like she thinks of me as a minion and I am so lucky that she lets me be her friend because she is rich and surgeon -- a 6th grade mean girls dynamic.

it was two months after the cancer clean bill of health -- time between diagnosis and clean bill of health was just shy of a month -- that we had the blow up. She had been talking about her 'friends' and how she felt she had to buy the one's friendship (also a doctor), and how Jane (also a doctor) and her would probably lose their friendship because Jane's husband hated her, and how friend 3 always had an agenda (hospital big wig), and friend 4 drove her crazy, but then asked me to go to a public mtg to support friend 4's husband getting his job back - I simply said, I am not comfortable doing that without knowing more of the story about the husband and his losing his job. My friend got angry with me and told me to stop telling her that her friends are only using her, etc. --- I never said that, and from there the blow up where I told her she needed to stop calling me names, stop getting angry at me for things I never said, and stop acting like I'm beneath her because I'm not a doctor (Jane is also a doctor, btw).

of course, that's all the bad stuff, but there had been lots of fun too -- when she was funny and seemed to enjoy being around me. Just that now, after hearing from her all the time and having lots of laughs, crickets, and I don't know, has she decided she no longer has use for me and has discarded me; are we now where a healthy friendship should be after going way over the lines of intimacy too soon, it only feels corrupted because we were too entangled at one pont; has she decided I am her minion and she doesn't need to put any effort into the friendship anymore because I am the fool that continues to respond to her calls for help?; is she just really busy and when she is not so busy, I will get some friendship back from her again.

very confusing to me and I don't want to abandon what is a good friendship with someone that does value my friendship, just says inappropriate things (she told me she hates this the most about herself), but I also don't want to continue to invest time on someone that places zero value on my friendship.

[Swiss_Ms.B]

Silver,
Seems like most people around the army brat try to avoid her. You're the sucker! To your questions:
Has she decided she no longer has use for me and has discarded me? ---> It might very well be the case!
Are we now where a healthy friendship should be after going way over the lines of intimacy too soon? ---> This friendship does not sound healthy at all!
Has she decided I am her minion and she doesn't need to put any effort into the friendship anymore because I am the fool that continues to respond to her calls for help? ---> Can't say what she has decided, but from what you have described, it is pretty clear that she doesn't respect you, but she is minipulating and using you.

Now, to what you wrote previously:
"What I don't have is a significant other - mostly because, well, maybe because I haven't found someone right, or at the end of the day, while I trust most people, I have never thought someone really loved me enough to put me first so have not seen it until too late when it could have developed into something."

You need to love yourself and put yourself first. This wouldn't be an act of selfishness. By staying in this "frienship" relationship you are not taking care of yourself, you are not giving yourself what you deserve!

Have you ever gone to a professional therapist to work through your childhood traumas? A life coach could be good for you, if you feel that you don't need therapy.