[Lostforanswers]

My family and I have been having problems with my sister for a couple years now. (she is 13 years old). She has SEVERE angermanagement issues. She also is diagnosed with anxiety and sees a doctor and takes medicine. But she says that the doctors do nothing for her mentally when they try to work through her problems. Almost every weekend--like tonight--she gets my whole family upset because she has the worst attitude that I've ever seen in ANYONE. Please don't get me wrong... I love my sister to death - we are VERY close!! But she continually acts like she wants to commit suicide, but I know that it is just for attention because the next day she'll be all happy and then hours later she'll be back to being EXTREMELY RUDE and not able to control herself. My dad hit her on her arm once because she talked back consistently (and please do not tell me that is child abuse) and my sister then calls her friend and tells her about it, sobbing to her saying that her life is terrible ( oh yeah, and this friend's mom is a child therapist or whatever that deals with "abused" children - my sister is not abused.) So now we have random people knowing about our situation that is private. She acts so awful and it's putting so much stress onto myself; but, especially my mom and my dad. I can't take it anymore- and NO DOCTORS HAVE HELPED. What is wrong with my sister, and what can we do? I know that people will be relpying: Your sister is crying for help and she needs to see a doctor She is seeing a doctor and my parents are paying so much because they are trying to help her live normally! We all love my sister so very much!! All we want to do for her is to HELP HER! I cry all the time because I hate seeing my parents struggle like they are when they are trying to help her. I want to thank anyone who will help me because I am so lost.

[valinors_sorrow]

For the kind of emotional problems you are describing in your sister-- doctors are good, medications are good but my take is if there isn't talk therapy addressing the behavioral issues to accompany that, it only gets you so far. You all aren't getting enough help and this is one of those problems that a little help just isn't going to cut it.

I don't know how much influence you have on your parents but my suggestion would be for a whole family counseling arrangement. Frequently when one person in a family is sick (and I mean sick not crazy here, okay?) everyone adjusts to the sickness in really dysfunctional ways, making everyone a little sick too. Not good. Please speak to your mom and dad, separately and privately about your concerns for everyone (including yourself) and how much you would like to seek help. I hope they listen and take some action. There is nothing wrong with seeking help with this and don't let anyone suggest otherwise to you either. Goold luck.

[marey]

My family and I have been having problems with my sister for a couple years now. (she is 13 years old). She has SEVERE angermanagement issues. She also is diagnosed with anxiety and sees a doctor and takes medicine. But she says that the doctors do nothing for her mentally when they try to work through her problems. Almost every weekend--like tonight--she gets my whole family upset because she has the worst attitude that I've ever seen in ANYONE. Please don't get me wrong...I love my sister to death - we are VERY close!!! But she continually acts like she wants to commit suicide, but I know that it is just for attention because the next day she'll be all happy and then hours later she'll be back to being EXTREMELY RUDE and not able to control herself. My dad hit her on her arm once because she talked back consistently (and please do not tell me that is child abuse) and my sister then calls her friend and tells her about it, sobbing to her saying that her life is terrible ( oh yeah, and this friend's mom is a child therapist or whatever that deals with "abused" children - my sister is not abused.) So now we have random people knowing about our situation that is private. She acts so awful and it's putting so much stress onto myself; but, especially my mom and my dad. I can't take it anymore- and NO DOCTORS HAVE HELPED. What is wrong with my sister, and what can we do?! I know that people will be relpying: Your sister is crying for help and she needs to see a doctor She is seeing a doctor and my parents are paying so much because they are trying to help her live normally! We all love my sister so very much!!! All we want to do for her is to HELP HER! I cry all the time because I hate seeing my parents struggle like they are when they are trying to help her. I want to thank anyone who will help me because I am so lost.

Hello lostforanswers
You poor thing!
My advice would be to stay calm. Your sister must be gaining some kind of gratification from you and your family by her behaviour. It sounds as if she wants control... maybe she feels out of control herself and this is a way she can feel in control.

You can give too much attention to good and bad behaviours, and so encourage a person to continue to act out in order to get attention.

If you don't give your sister any encouragement either positive or negative (for example, becoming angry when she is rude and acting as if her normal, polite or good behaviour is great (when it's really just expected from everyone else in society... so why treat it as special) then she looses the control she has over you. Just be polite and give normal praise and thanks to polite, respectful and helpful behaviour.

Try to go about your life as if she isn't affecting you (even when she is!). Go for a run if you feel frustrated. Pehaps talk to your parents about just how much attention and special treatment your sister is gaining from this behaviour and ask them if they think this attention is giving her even more encouragement to act out.

Some people need attention - good or bad, it doesn't matter.. . Probably because they feel they need to be built up in some way.

As for accusations of abuse, don't worry too much. The truth always comes out in the end. I'm sure people will realise the care and love your family gives to your sister, even if it takes a little time. Those who don't see how much you all love her and try to help are really not worth worrying about anyhow.

Don' t play into her hands by becoming angry... and if you hear any rumours set them straight.

Good luck.

[LilAmie]

WOW I feel like I just read something my daughter would write about her brother. Everything you said is exactly how he is also. I can relate to your situation but from your Moms point of view. I don't have any advice to offer you (I wish I did) but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and my family is in the same situation. My son is 14 and like I said you just described him 100%. Good luck and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[ShadyLady]

You could try the "neutral territory' talk.
Have the family get together in a public place. Maybe go out to eat at a restaurant? It doesn't have to be expensive, just a place that's public. Enjoy a nice meal together.
Talk about what went on during the week, keeping the converstaion pleasant. Then bring up any problems each person has. Start will just small problems and keep it at that. Establish a routine of doing this so everyone can discuss their problems.
In public, your sister can't throw a tantrum and yell or scream. Eventually she might open up and discuss her problems.
I think that's what's wrong with a lot of people. The pressures and stress of life get to us, and we have no outlet. Getting the family together once a week to go out to eat is a pleasant treat, and could lead to open communication. Once this habit is established, try to do it everyday at the dinner table--right before dessert.