[thadevilsadvocate]

It's been a few months since I was last on here contributing, and unfortunately now I'm back on the other side of the fence. I had posted back in the beginning of the relationship about struggles early on, and here we are two years later, and I'm posting about the end of my relationship. My reason for posting this, isn't to look for sympathy or reassurance, as has been the case in my much weaker and less experienced days when I was younger, but in fact there are two reasons for posting this. The first is to share things that I've learned, signs that I missed, things I should have perhaps noticed, throughout the duration of the 2 years, which may in turn help some of you who may be in or wind up in a similar situation. The second reason is to put it down on paper, for the therapeutic benefit of releasing it all from within me, thus bringing a bit of closure to my mind, and enabling me to start the healing process.

I'll start by sharing the fact that I was in fact, NOT the person to end the relationship, and oddly enough, that was my first and probably the biggest mistake that I made. I am the type of person that doesn't like to give up, never wants to waive the white flag or throw in the towel. In my mind, I would rather exhaust all options or try to work things out, to the point that I bend over backwards for someone ready to snap in half and break, rather than just give up. This never give up attitude however, ended up putting me through a lot of hurt and pain. There were problems very early on in the relationship and they only continued to get worse. Sure, there were ways to cover them up, but they would always come back. Feeling as though I was being taken for granted, no reciprocation, not being considered a priority, unwillingness to communicate with me. These are all just some of the issues that had arisen early on and only continued to worsen over time. Eventually, I had fooled myself so much, that I was able to convince myself that I was happy and that she loved me, even though she was hardly making an effort or treating me as she should. This grew in to an even larger problem, because she was verbally abusive and on numerous occasions, physically attacked me. Unfortunately, because I was so overwhelmed from always forgiving her, I didn't consider this to be severe (although all the advise I was given indicated it was completely unacceptable), and I was always willing to forgive, not recognizing the severity of her actions. Looking back now, I realize that the first time this happened, I should have fled, and if not the first time, at least the second time. Instead I stuck around continued to take the abuse, thinking that perhaps this is what was normal. As is probably evident, it was a horrible decision by me, and didn't work out to my benefit in the end. Instead I just put myself through a lot more hurt and pain, instead of putting my feelings first for once and looking out for my own well being. I now recognize how detrimental it was that I had overlooked and blocked out all the advice I was given by those who were looking our for my best interest.

Another issue that arose was bills and budgeting. She was never considering her bills and budget more important than going out or buying clothes, home décor, shoes, getting nails done, etc... I found myself not only paying for my own half, but frequently having to pay for the other half, or part of the other half. The issue wasn't that I was having to help out now and again and be there for her when times were tough, because after all, the reasons she couldn't pay her bills had nothing to do with not making enough money, but rather that she was always spending her money frivolously, before paying bills. Where I went wrong was continuing to convince myself that this would stop happening over time and she would make more of an effort at holding up her half. However, old habits die hard, and considering she hadn't really placed me high on her priority list, and instead made me an option, she didn't really care about the fact that I was having to use my hard earned money to pay for her bills, while she spent her money out having fun. It always seemed easier in my mind to just pay things, rather than deal with the confrontation which would usually lead to fighting in the end. I needed to grow a backbone and act on this a long time ago, but I just never wanted to believe that things wouldn't get better. I guess I learned the hard way, and once again ignored the advice of those who were looking out for my best interest. She was taking advantage of me and taking for granted the things that I did for her, and I don't only mean this in a monetary sense, but in every aspect of the relationship.

Taking responsibility for her actions. She never wanted to take responsibility for her actions. She never took in to consideration how the things she said and did affected me. In most cases, she would try to find a way to flip things around, and try to either justify her actions or try to make me feel bad and try to put the blame on me. We would go days without speaking sometimes, because she would never apologize. In the beginning of the relationship I would cave and just tell her to forget about it, lets just move on. However, throughout the relationship, I was becoming emotionally, mentally and physically frustrated and could no longer convince myself that this was healthy or fair to me. On a few occasions, I was able to hold out long enough, to where she would realize that either she had no money or needed/wanted something, and then she would come and apologize, however it was never sincere, nor did she want to address the issues for which she was apologizing for and try to find a way to fix them and prevent them from happening again. I didn't consider my own well being and let her take full advantage of my weakness once again, and even though I knew that what she was doing was wrong, I just kept coming back. Fear of starting over again, and having convinced myself that forgiving her each time was the correct decision to avoid confrontation, made me oblivious to the damage it was doing to mental/physical/emotional health, as well as my confidence. It was as though I just found a way to believe this was as good as I deserved. Recently after her friends and family had an opportunity to witness her actions, I was slowly beginning to understand that I was giving 210% to someone that could care less if I existed, unless they wanted or needed something. It was as though she liked the idea of having a boyfriend, but didn't want the responsibility or consideration for another that came with it.

Recognizing that I was investing my heart, soul, time, money in someone that wasn't even giving back 50%, eventually started to make the picture a lot clearer. Eventually I grew a backbone, and through enough support from our friends and families, I grew a backbone and put myself first. She was treating me horribly, and I no longer could stand it. I had to stand up for myself and I let he know that I finally saw through her and would no longer stand for someone to treat me and take advantage of me like she did. I told her that I had invested my entire being in this relationship, and I deserved someone that would recognize how much I loved them, and would reciprocate and treat me better. I told her that no human ever deserved to be treated the way I let her treat me and I didn't know how much more I could take. Instead of being even somewhat apologetic and taking responsibility for it all, she just told me she couldn't believe I felt that way and how wrong I was for telling her all of this (guess the truth hurts), and she told me she didn't want to work on anything and that she was done. She couldn't believe I felt this way and that she never did anything wrong. She had spoke of wanting me to hurry and marry her and such, which, considering her actions, had put that idea on the back burner a while ago. Well, that was that. Considering we live together, this makes things all that more interesting, but it has also taught me to know a person better and for longer, before moving in together. I've also learned that in a relationship, you can't lose yourself and let someone take advantage of you. You can't let someone abuse you and you have to realize that by taking your well being in to consideration and getting out of a relationship before you lose your self-identity, might save you from a lot of hurt and pain.

Hopefully this will help some of you out there that may be in similar situations, or give you something to think about should you start to recognize these signs. Every situation will be different, and certainly won't be a replica of this situation, but may be very similar. Fortunately, having slowly taken myself out of the equation and looking back in, I was able to be confident that I gave the relationship my all, and some, that I didn't feel broken down and torn apart as I have before. I actually felt a kind of relief, that I was no longer going to be subject to being treated that way, and it feels good. I know I gave it my all, and was just unfortunate to be giving my all to someone who didn't appreciate it. I was able to convince myself that there will be someone out there that will appreciate me for who I am and will treat me fairly.