[fishoutofwater]

I'm 28 and met a great guy (he's 30) about 3 months ago. He's from Norway, but lives here in the States. Things have been progressing very well between us, but sometimes I'm confused about whether he is playing me or cheating on me. This may be because I have been cheated on in the past, or it may be that I am picking up on something. I have read the "love tactics" book and I try to use that advice. He recently brought up the issue of exclusivity - said he wants it and we've both agreed to that.

He is very sweet to me, says he "adores me", has never met anyone so intelligent, he is so attracted to me, etc. He was the first to say he "missed me", and overall I have tried to let him take the lead and not pressure him. At times he seems to want to see me several days in a row, and at other times he backs off a little. His family is all overseas, but I've meet them when they visit. I've also met his friends and he invites me to join them on a regular basis. We've gone away for one weekend trip and we have several other weekend trips scheduled.

I cannot point to any particular incident, just a general feeling. He is very good looking, and girls are always flirting with him. (ugh!) I can tell he likes the attention, so I try to give him plenty of admiration while still being independent. He does stare at other pretty women way, way, way too much when we are together, but I don't know if that is just normal guy behavior. He is also overly protective of his cell phone, which is fine, but makes me suspicious.

If I just look at his direct actions and his words to me, I feel like I can trust him, but then I think about the cell phone and girls always coming on to him, and I wonder. I did check his cell phone once, and found some questionable (they were borderline) messages on there to other girls. I said nothing, but decided to keep my eyes open. I also know that he works with a girl who is after him. (ugh!) When the opportunity arose, I let him know that I would not tolerate disrespect. I really like him, and he told a friend of mine that he is crazy about me, but that doesn't mean he is cheating. I'm afraid of getting hurt again and at times I feel like I'm being a fool. I've asked him again about seeing others, and he insists he doesn't want to. Maybe he just doesn't want me to. What should I do? Thoughts?

[Ash123]

A relationship has to be balanced. You have a good looking, confident guy. He has a good looking, not 100% confident girl. Clearly, you are not comfortable communicating all your feelings yet. And you think if you do you'll look like a paranoid B---. So, you all are not balanced. Is it that: he is better looking than other guys you've been out with? Smarter? Funnier? More confident? Have you communicated with guys well in the past? Were you hurt by an EX? Did you communicate with him? Have you never really met a guy who said he missed you? Is Norwegian attentive other than when on the phone or looking at girls :-)? Why is he in the US? For job? For fun? Looking at girls is OK, unless he makes it seem like he's changing channels and when he gets to yours he'll hang there until the next commercial... A lot of questions but a panacea without any list of problems is tough. "Help me - help you Jerry!" (JM). Send a few insights. He won't cheat between now and your next trip online.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am married to a man who is attractive enough to be a babe magnet and it took some getting used to -- all the attention, gawd, some of it from supposed friends of mine too. That was kind of catty I thought in the beginning. Being cheated on is not fun but I didn't have any leftover hurt from when I had been cheated on long ago. I knew it to be a survivable event so I decided early on that I would not concern myself with it until IF AND WHEN I saw hard evidence. I had the added help of his sounding very credible about having learned what harm cheating does. He learned a powerful lesson in his first marriage. And like your guy his word and actions allowed me to build my trust. Only time full of lots of good experience will build the kind of trust we have to be able to flirt with others. We both do now--it just took me a while to let my hair down. This is not to say we swing, okay? LOL We just get attention, is all.

I say take your guy at his word since that is a risk worth taking and trust him a little bit more and more as time goes by. Go slow. Go very slow since lies do not endure time well. And eventually you may find that once you really are secure in his commitment to be exclusive that it kind of spins your beanie when the girls all look at him. I know it does me! LOL I think, yesssss and he's mine, isn't that nice!

[Ash123]

Yep. Agreed.
Personally, the women that have really trusted me and just wanted me happy in my pursuits and social life etc. - and yes, can handle times when there is attention from other women, undoubtedly pull the most positive energy and loyalty from me. In fact, I'd say I spent more time keeping them happy subconsciously... go slow and you'll see and be able to make an assessment... if you don't get the attention back at you then, that may be another issue...
But hopefully trust can be found.

(note- consider my ?'s though "fish".. (above). It would help paint a your picture of your relationship.) Intuition is a powerful thing, but so is paranoia. Here's where you may divide the two so you can enjoy yourselves!)

[fishoutofwater]

Thank you both for the repies. I really want to just enjoy it and trust him, but my suspicions are still sky high. After all, who needs to guard their cell phone if they have nothing to hide. So, here are answers to your questions...

I've dated some very hot guys, but he is towards the top. I wouldn't necessarily say he is smarter or funnier or more confident, but he certainly has all those qualities. The difference is that before when I dated those guys, I hadn't been cheated on yet. Now I have had that awful experience and I remember the warning signs. It doesn't mean that a sign is proof of cheating, but rather that it raises a red flag in my mind. I agree that I should not worry about it until I know for sure, but I also think that he may be playing me for a fool. Also, if I really suspect, shouldn't I call him on it in a nice way that shows I want to be with him, but will not tolerate cheating and disrespect...

Overall, I think we communicate very well, and we've talked about this issue, but that doesn't mean he isn't lying to me or just telling me what I want to hear.

I've had serious relationships before, and yes, this guy is very attentive and affectionate. He is also protective of me when other guys are around. He has been great, and yet those red flags are waiving! Ok, he does look way, way too long or too often sometimes at a particular girl. I think I will just mention... hey, I notice attractive men too, but I don't stare at them, and when you do that while we are together, it feels disrespectful to me.

So, here are the red flags...
--guards his cell phone like it has nuclear launch codes in it; even took it to the bathroom
--ok, that made me suspicious, so I did check his cell once, and there were some questionable messages to girls & from girls in there -- if there had been anything definite, I would have walked, but it wasn't, so I said nothing
--he stares at other girls way too much and loves attention, even from unattractive girls; I called him on the attention issue once and said, hey, we all like to feel flattered, but I'm concerned that I'm not giving you enough attention, he was very apologetic and said he would never 'compromise' me, but just does it more when he's out
--he said once that he's never lied to me, just hasn't told me 100% of the truth; I told him that is lying and asked him to be 100% honest with me; I even said, hey, if you want to date other women I'm not going to stop you, just be honest with me; he said, what would happen, and I said, we'll who knows, I guess I would date other guys and then who knows; since then we've had several conversations about exclusivity and he says is and wants it, but those could be lies
--he and his friends want each other when I'm coming out to join them; they send a text that says... blonde snow is on her way... (I look swedish)... why is that necessary if you are not doing anything wrong
--sometimes he says weird things that make no sense, but could indicate another girl; the other night I stayed over and he asked... what time is your flight in the morning... but I had no flight and haven't for a while... he looked embarrassed; he also had just changed the sheets that day... hmmm... could all be a coincidence
--a girl at his work is totally after him; I walked into a bar to meet him once and he was sitting with his arm on the back of her chair; when I came up he looked embarassed; he said then and later that he is not interested in her, but she raised my red flag before this for other reasons; also, his good friend made a point to tell me the other day that workplace romances are very common for norwegians... I thought what is this... a hint that I should wise up
--ugh, I hate this, I hate not knowing for sure and yet feeling like I know, and then feeling like I can do nothing without solid proof; every time I bring it up or he brings up the issue (such as he doesn't want me going to dinner with a guy friend who likes me, and I agreed, and used that to bring up the trust, treating each other right, not encouraging trouble with people who like us, and exclusivity issue, and the conversation went well, but who knows if he is just lying)

Thoughts...

[valinors_sorrow]

Thoughts... are that's enough that if you had posted that so clearly in your first post I would suggest your intuition is correct. I would suggest you leave him to the games and date someone else. Too many good ones out there that make this guy look like junior high.

[talaniman]

I don't know if its him or you but there is too much uncertainty and suspicion for me to be this relationship. You may not be ready to be exclusive and may be going along with his wishes.

[fishoutofwater]

Vsorrow - I am a little surprised to hear such a definite result. Of course, if I knew he was unfaithful, I would walk. We get along so well and I don't want to walk if he hasn't actually done anything. The problem is that all of the red flags can be explained or there may be good reasons.

Tman - I am ready for a committed relationship, really, and I would like to have one with him. He even remarks at how well we are matched and how we are lucky to find each other. I'm more concerned that he is unable to be committed for some reason, or that he is just the kind of person who cheats regardless of how much he likes/loves his girl. (Sorry, but there are men and women out there who do that sort of thing.)

Ok, now I'm feeling really down about this relationship. I have no solid proof. We are going away this weekend and I am spending another weekend with him and some of his family members. I'm confused.

[fishoutofwater]

Vsorrow -- when you first met your husband, were either of you seeing other people, and if so, how long did it take for you two to build up to being exclusive? How about in the beginning, were there problems with either of you having opposite-sex friendships before trust was built up, and if so, how did you deal with that? I don't want to ruin a good thing because I'm paranoid. :(

[Ash123]

Thanks for answering the questions. Sounds like it would be a lot of fun if you can handle the games... But it all depends on what YOU want.
**Note don't set out to CHANGE men. Women (yes, I said it) do this instinctively, and it can send you straight to... ASKHELPDESK :-)

Take on other projects - it's easier and more practical. Anyway, the point is that you are not happy with him, but you are attracted to him, so what do you do?


You have 2 choices:
1)Communicate your feelings and see what happens.
2) Slowly retreat and get some perspective. Don't be dramatic, be very loving about it.
And don't do it as a game. You are not in college. (games can work, but tough to build anything real on)
Busy yourself just a bit. Contact a good friend and next time he calls you may have to say: "I wanna see a movie with Sarah" or "Go have fun tonight..." Put the onus on him. If he makes an effort he can see there is a reward.
Don't answer his calls until fits your schedule.
Can you handle that?
It will put the dynamic back in your hands. It will not feel good at first and may make you feel sick to your stomach. My guess is he will show more interest, ironically, in you.
And like your empowerment. The thing is will you? Will that work for you?
You may hate it. And that is the imbalance you feel. Trust is not at the forefront.
But if he has it in him, this would be a good time to learn.

If not, he may not be the guy for you.
I don't get the impression he is looking for a wife, but you don't have to be looking for a husband. But keep your dignity. Just because he wants one thing and it doesn't make you comfortable - does NOT mean you are wrong. Self-esteem is an important thing here. TRUST your inner voice and what YOU like in life. It will make you happy and draw the right person to you. Really. (drop an update of empowered "fish" and let us know how it goes) I would say with the amount of hormones flying right now - this could cruise on for months and months unresolved. But give yourself permission to be happily in charge of yourself while welcoming to others. I don't want to sideline into Freudian stuff but there are
Inborn cues this will signal to others that you are "a keeper" - so don't stress about Norway. This is part of your journey. He can join if he wants.

[fishoutofwater]

Oh, Ash, I hate to overanalyze, but wanted to add the following:

I've already pulled back, and I definitely don't pursue. I read love tactics, so I try to convey confidence and independence, give him space and enforce the line of respect, while at the same time being a GREAT girlfriend when we are together. That being said, I agree that I should pull back a little more.

Here's an example... we normally see each other about 2-3 times a week. Last week I planned to see him on Wednesday and Saturday. He invited me to watch a movie & he cooked dinner for me on Thursday, then Friday I was out with friends and he knew where, so he and his friend joined us late in the evening (I was not expecting to see him), then Sunday he was in my neighborhood and asked if he could come by and surprise me. So, he saw me Wed-Sun, which in hindsight was probably too much, so I backed off Mon & Tues and then we spent Wed Valentine's Day together. The point is that he initiated all this extra time together. I should have probably declined Thursday and Sunday, but I'm learning.

As far as the looking for a wife thing... he has told me that he would like to be married within the next couple of years. I also know that he admires the marriage of a norwegian friend who lives here in the US, and we are starting to do things with them (dinner, etc). After our first dinner with them, which was tremendous fun, he revealed to me that a few months before he met me, he had he asked his norwegian friend to introduce him to girls who would make a good wife/relationship like his friend's wife. So, I think he does want this and has started looking. However... I also think that he is having a hard time giving up the single life. I think a lot of guys are like this. I feel like he is torn between wanting it and being 100% ready for it. He has told me that I "scare" him a little because I'm everything he wanted. Maybe he is purposely sabotaging our relationship or keeping distance with these "games."

By the way, I'm not even sure if they are games or what they are, to tell you the truth. My guy friend guards his cell phone and he's madly in love with his girlfriend and has not cheated. So, I don't know if I'm over-reacting to these things.

OK, further thoughts? Thanks, everyone... normally I am much more confident on the inside... this time I'm portraying confidence, but inside I feel very vulnerable... maybe I really like him more than past relationships and I'm afraid of getting hurt. It feels so right at times, and at other times I fear I'm headed for a shattered heart.

[valinors_sorrow]

Vsorrow -- when you first met your husband, were either of you seeing other people, and if so, how long did it take for you two to build up to being exclusive? how about in the beginning, were there problems with either of you having opposite-sex friendships before trust was built up, and if so, how did you deal with that? I don't want to ruin a good thing because I'm paranoid. :(

He was coming out of a bad divorce and still somewhat focused on that. I had been in and out of a few relationships. We both had opposite sex people interested in us-- him more so than I, I think but then he'd probably tell you the oppostie of that. LOL I was the first woman he dated as a single-again. He did date others. So did I. In fact we would regale each other with our bad date stories in the beginning!

Having learned from my own spectacular failures and because I thought he needed some time post-divorce, I insisted we go a lot slower than he wanted to. He complained and later he saw the amazing value of that and thanked me. We were not exclusive for probably six months of weekly dating and were not fully sexually until we after we were exclusive (and tested). After approximately one year of exclusive dating and two years of living together, we married. Neither one of us grew any jealousy problems because we both could talk so openly about our insecurities and did so right from the gate. This is not to say we didn't have our challenges though, okay? And we scared each other a bit too - that's only natural when vulnerabilites are at play. But essentially why I married him was not his looks or his sexuality or his financials or any of the superficial things I hear wormen talk about but how he can talk. Man that guy can really talk!

I am being decisive about it not because I see the guy as cheating on you but because I see him definitely acting strange in how he is creating doubts like he has and you sounding unwilling to be vulnerable by asking what that is about. If politely asking him about this stuff is too hard, then what does that say? At the point where he asked you to be exclusive, I would have said "that sounds appealing but, at the risk of sounding paranoid with some help from my past, here are some of my concerns/confusions..." and laid it all out there for him to respond to. Frankly, I opt for Ash's #1 --you both need to start talking or forget about it, I think.

[fishoutofwater]

Ok, I could use some help in how to communicate my concerns with him. We have both raised the issue of exclusivity and treating each other with respect, and everything said was good, but I guess my concerns haven't been fully addressed. So, here's my attempt... any advice on the wording is welcome...

I really appreciate that you tell me what you are doing when we're not together - it adds to my trust and respect for you. It's important to me that we treat each other with respect. Do you remember when you raised a concern about me going out to dinner with Dan [just a guy friend]? You know that I canceled that dinner, and I did so because I wanted to treat you and our relationship with respect. For me, that means I respect you at all times, whether you are standing next to me or not. That's the kind of relationship I want. Are you interested in the same and are you willing to give me that level of respect?

--ok, I could use help here on the language -- any advice?

[Ash123]

Sounds fine. Sure it will ebb and flow as you go. I would feel unqualified to craft your words.
Say whatever is in your heart. Remove the agenda. Go for it.
If it helps, think of these anonymous online people rooting for you.


I hope you all get to a good spot. But you cannot survive with buddy text messaging and whatever BS forever... if you were not sleeping with him and he was just a friend, his buddy text messaging "here comes "Blondie" would just make you laugh...

never discount self-confidence in attracting good guys.
in the words of ted nugent:"get high on your bad self!"
the more stoked you are on being YOU, the more
fun you are gonna have in life. the more people (perhaps he or the next guy) is gonna like you.
your dreaded "speech" need not be nerve racking - the joy of saying what's on your mind and what makes you tick can be fun...

Sharing thoughts does not have to be a death sentence. He can handle it (and act accordingly respectful) or not.. . you're probably the best looking/coolest girl in the bar. So relax. (and you won't be the coolest if you lose your mind on this to a guy that makes you crazy)... so, enjoy the empowerment. Remember he's lucky to be with you. It's not just a mother's cliché...

[valinors_sorrow]

Ok, I could use some help in how to communicate my concerns with him. We have both raised the issue of exclusivity and treating each other with respect, and everything said was good, but I guess my concerns haven't been fully addressed. So, here's my attempt...any advice on the wording is welcome...

I really appreciate that you tell me what you are doing when we're not together - it adds to my trust and respect for you. It's important to me that we treat each other with respect. Do you remember when you raised a concern about me going out to dinner with Dan [just a guy friend]? You know that I canceled that dinner, and I did so because I wanted to treat you and our relationship with respect. For me, that means I respect you at all times, whether you are standing next to me or not. That's the kind of relationship I want. Are you interested in the same and are you willing to give me that level of respect?

--ok, I could use help here on the language -- any advice?

All fine and good except that does nothing to address that laundry list of concerns you posted here! I don't care to craft your words either but I would suggest you look that list over and decide which are the most pressing. Ask him (without accusation ---just bewilderment) about those and let go of the rest. Right or wrong, good or bad, fitting or exaggerated, those concerns stand in your way and the only way through that is, well, revealing and discussing them. If he runs from you as a result of THAT -- then as I see it, you did yourself a big favor.

[talaniman]

3 months is not a lot of time together so basically you two are strangers who are just getting to know each other and should be just dating and having fun while you are learning about each other and your ways. I think its to soon to be exclusive and maybe you both rushed into this relationship without fully realising enough about each other. Your expectations may be a little high for such a young relationship and may have to adjust your expectations to match your newness to each other. Honest communications can bridge gaps but in my opinion to be completely comfortable will take a lot longer than just 3 months.

[AKaeTrue]

Short and simple, I think you should trust the guy and go forward with the relationship until he gives you a real reason not to... But for now, let your guard down and enjoy the fact that a guy worthy of being pursued by other women wants to be with you.
Also, some men appreciate seeing the beauty of other women, but it doesn't mean that they actually want to be with them or would cheat on their significant other with them - they just like to look...

[Kellita]

I think the Right Guy does not even lead you to ask such a question and have such feelings. Intuition is a powerful thing as is self-esteem and self-awareness. If your deep gut instinct questions his intentions, then I say listen to them. It does not mean he is a bad person and it does not mean that he does not LOVE you dearly or find you very special. What I think, in your case, it could mean is that the timing is OFF. It takes men a long time to get to the point of wanting to develop a solid foundation and trust with a special woman. In the meantime, what is a man to do? Well, he still wants sex (or to make love), he still wants some sort of social status (from having a hot woman on his arm) and he still wants to be validated and cared for emotionally. So, what he does is easy: he plays the Game of being interested in a great gal (like you) in order to keep the great aspects of a relationship coming- w/o necessarily ever wanting to settle down with her. How does he justify it? He might feel that you are getting your needs met as well if you stay with him- so he might not feel guilty (esp if he is not sleeping around) Men are great at justifying things. I just got clear away from male "friend" who wanted emotional validation and ego boosting OUTSIDE of his primary relationship because well, he is terrified of intimacy. Well, I do not seek to be USED and EXPLOITED by an immature nut-job. Let him use other women in his life to massage his fragile ego, validate his "life vision" and be a pretty girl on his arm when the two hang out. I am DONE. I want a real man, not a baby. Besides, he needs to get his intimacy (emotional intimacy) needs met within his relationship with his girlfriend. In my mind, by wanting me to be at his beck and call and his emotional support system, I think he would be cheating on his girlfriend in a way. No, we had no physical intimacy.. but we all know that emotional intimacy is quite powerful. These confused, lonely and self-absorbed types of men need to grow up! You DESERVE better girl! Go follow your heart and the right man will gladly step in and be apart of YOUR awesome journey. Love yourself FIRST.