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confused_guy · Feb 15, 2007, 01:55 PM

So, I have sifted through a lot of threads here where women have requested time off or space from their boyfriends so they can re-evaluate their relationships.

When the rare boyfriend complies and actually gives his girlfriend space, what would you guys say the percentage is of the couples regrouping and continuing on together?

My girlfriend asked for a day or two apart last night so she can think things over and get her head straight, and I'm trying to give it to her. I may send her a text message or something just to say hi and that I'm thinking of her or to say I hope she had a better day today, but I'm not even positive I'm going to do that.

I want to maximize my potential for having a long, successful relationship with her. I'm afraid she is going to just break up with me though and leave me no room for a chance. :(

Nohitter410 · Feb 15, 2007, 02:05 PM

I am going through the same thing and I got her to come back to me pretty quickly but I wasn't ready. Depending on your age and depending on where you both are in your life and circumstances of the break you need to be clear. I am not sure if it was a separation or break but I would say don't give her any texts, ims or anything. She asked for the break let her come back to you.

I didn't contact her at all for 3 or 4 weeks after she said a short break and she came right back saying she missed me and couldn't stop thinking about you. Definitely no contact and let her make the first move. Because what would you saying hi actually accomplish. Think about it if you are in her shoes you would just make it worse. Most guys on here as soon as the breakup happens run and plead their case and try to get the woman back right away. She made the decision initially and nothing you will say will change her mind only letting her be to think and re-evaluate things will be your only chance. Trust me resist all urges.

And as tough as it is to let her be and maybe break up with you, you don't want someone who doesn't want to be with you. Forcing them to love you isn't the answer. But in the meantime get busy find other things to do and think about what you think went wrong to cause a break and try to think about them internally.

Synnen · Feb 15, 2007, 02:08 PM

I don't know what the percentage of people that get back together is when the non-asking person of the couple actually gives the other the space they are asking for.

I CAN tell you what percentage of couples has survived in the long term if one person wants space and the other can't get it through their head that they NEED that space: 0%.

If you don't give her space, without contact, you won't get her back. Period.

If you give her space, with no contact... maybe, just maybe you have a chance.

confused_guy · Feb 15, 2007, 02:11 PM

We aren't really broken up, she just said she wants a day or two to think about things. Doesn't want to date other people or anything like that. She's under an incredible amount of pressure right now at work, home, school, etc.

I think it's a matter of her perceived added pressure from me because I have a tendency to ask a lot of questions about her motivations and things when she makes decisions. She says it makes her feel smothered to be "bullied" into coming up with solutions for her problems.

Nohitter410 · Feb 15, 2007, 02:14 PM

Well think about it if she did that to you. She wants you to be the guy that helps her unwind from a long day of work and school and not add more stress and pressure. Back off and whatever you guys are don't contact her still. And think how you will correct those problems before it gets worse and worse.

Let her figure out her own solutions to her problems. If she comes to you and asks for your advice give her your opinion but don't tell her what to do just give her advice but only when asked. You aren't a counselor or a therapist for her. You are her boyfriend.

Nosnosna · Feb 15, 2007, 02:16 PM

Don't get caught up in the what-ifs. The only thing you can control is yourself, and dwelling on anything else is just going to make you miserable. Numbers like you want are meaningless, and will only give you something else to worry over... all you should worry about on that is that you're much more likely to get back together if you give her the space than if you don't... if nothing else, you're showing her that you respect her wishes even when they're different from yours.

In the end, she's going to do what she's going to do. The best thing you can do is give her the time and space she wants, because otherwise she won't be able to work through whatever it is that she needs to. If she doesn't, she'll be unhappy going forward, and she'll see that as being your fault.

Sit back, relax, and do something to take your mind off it. A couple of days isn't much, although if you're stressing about that short of a span, *you* probably need the time more than she does.

confused_guy · Feb 15, 2007, 02:19 PM

I'm her boyfriend for now you mean. I really don't want to lose her.

The thing is, *I* really don't mind getting advice from all around. That's why I registered here. Discussing these things at length help me wrap my mind around a dilemma. She tends to drown herself in other things instead. If she can't sleep she takes sleeping pills, you know? I usually just toss and turn.

Funny that your advice about being her boyfriend and not her therapist is almost verbatim what a good friend told me today. Hard not to kind of take on that role for me once in a while though because she has so many issues going on at once.

Wildcat21 · Feb 15, 2007, 02:19 PM

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! GIVE HER SPACE!!

DIAPPEAR!!

DO NOT CONTACT HER UNTIL SHE CONTACTS YOU!!

PLEASE!! If you want her you must do this.

Leave her alone until she wants to see you.

phillysteakandcheese · Feb 15, 2007, 02:21 PM

The words "giving space" can mean different things when spoken in varying contexts:

Sometimes it can mean "I am getting ready to break up with you."
Sometimes it can mean "I want you to miss me and want me more."
Sometimes it can mean "I think there's something wrong with me/you/between us and need to think about my future."
Sometimes it can mean "I got alot of stuff to do, so stop bugging me."

There can be so much to those little words that you can't possibly encapsulate it.

Wildcat21 · Feb 15, 2007, 02:21 PM

CUT the text messages - it's for cowards SHE ASKED FOR SPACE. THAT MEANS ZERO CONTACT FROM YOU.

You're busy - you need to sse if you can make her miss you.

Wildcat21 · Feb 15, 2007, 02:21 PM

Great stuff Philly!! Perfect!!

confused_guy · Feb 15, 2007, 02:23 PM

Originally Posted by Nosnosna

Don't get caught up in the what-ifs. The only thing you can control is yourself, and dwelling on anything else is just gonna make you miserable. Numbers like you want are meaningless, and will only give you something else to worry over... all you should worry about on that is that you're much more likely to get back together if you give her the space than if you don't... if nothing else, you're showing her that you respect her wishes even when they're different from yours.

In the end, she's going to do what she's going to do. The best thing you can do is give her the time and space she wants, because otherwise she won't be able to work through whatever it is that she needs to. If she doesn't, she'll be unhappy going forward, and she'll see that as being your fault.

Sit back, relax, and do something to take your mind off of it. A couple of days isn't much, although if you're stressing about that short of a span, *you* probably need the time more than she does.

I want to respect her wishes, but it's awfully tough because this (even brief) separation is exactly what I don't want.

I guess maybe a better question is, has anyone here actually GOTTEN BACK TOGETHER with a significant other who they chose to "give space" to?

I can see what you mean about her viewing this as possibly being my fault. Another concern I have though is that she hardly talked to her mother for at least a month or so after being kicked out of the house. Even when her mother tried.

She told me last night that she doesn't plan to ignore me or anything though. So that's nice. But she has such a tendency to run from personal problems that I wonder if I'm ever going to have to confront her directly. This has to be on her mind too...

confused_guy · Feb 15, 2007, 02:24 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! GIVE HER SPACE!!!!!

DIAPPEAR!!!

DO NOT CONTACT HER UNTIL SHE CONTACTS YOU!!!

PLEASE!!! If you want her you must do this.

Leave her alone til she wants to see you.

Again though, have you actually seen this work? She always acts like she misses me, and like I said... literally the night before last she told me she loves me. But then she went totally cold last night and I haven't heard jack today. :(

confused_guy · Feb 15, 2007, 02:26 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

CUT the text messages - it's for cowards SHE ASKED FOR SPACE. THAT MEANS ZERO CONTACT FROM YOU.

You;re busy - you need to sse if you can make her miss you.

I'm not busy though. Pretty much my whole day has been devoted to this. She has become very important to me, and I honestly wasn't sure if that would be possible again after my last relationship.

confused_guy · Feb 15, 2007, 02:27 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Great stuff Philly!!!! perfect!!!

In response to Philly's post, hers definitely appears to be the "I need time to think about our relationship" kind of space. But that kind of leaves the outcome wide open, eh?

Wildcat21 · Feb 15, 2007, 02:28 PM

If you start being her therapist... then you're going into girl friend zone... that's for her and her girlfirneds to talk about. You're the fun guy. No Psyciatric stiff

confused_guy · Feb 15, 2007, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

If you start being her therapist....then you're going into girl friend zone....that's for her and her girlfirneds to talk about. You're the fun guy. No Psyciatric stiff

Feels like everyone is telling me this stuff and it may already be too late. If she's not talking to me then I can't see how that is a good thing.

Wildcat21 · Feb 15, 2007, 02:31 PM

Synnen - RIGHT ON!! PERFECT!!

Nosnosna · Feb 15, 2007, 02:31 PM

Yes, I've seen it work. Several times, in fact. Of course, I've seen it not work, too.

I have NEVER seen it work the other way, though. If you don't give her the space and time, the relationship is doomed.

Personally, given the choice between maybe and no, I'll go with the maybe every time.

confused_guy · Feb 15, 2007, 02:34 PM

Originally Posted by Nosnosna

Yes, I've seen it work. Several times, in fact. Of course, I've seen it not work, too.

I have NEVER seen it work the other way, though. If you don't give her the space and time, the relationship is doomed.

Personally, given the choice between maybe and no, I'll go with the maybe every time.

One thing I may be able to take solace in is that there is going to have to be something of an open door of communication between us again at some point either way. She owes me money, and we see each other at college.

I just hope she hasn't given up on me. I can work on changing my habits, I have done it before and can do it again. She's important to me, I want to show her.