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MBrits · Jan 28, 2012, 01:32 AM

My fiancé and me are together for 4yrs now. We both have 2 sons from previous marriages, and a girl together. He got custody of his son in his divorce and she has visitation, she got married and also have a girl with the husband. The time we are together we have lots of problems with his son and it only gets worse, we phoned his mother to ask that he go and live with her, but the excuse is that they don't live near a school and its not her husband's responsibility to care for her son. She doesn't give any financial contribution and in the last 4 years she saw him about 4 times. I now its my fiance's responsibility, but our relationship can't handle this anymore. How can we make her to take her responsibility toward him?

talaniman · Jan 28, 2012, 09:53 AM

Harshness warning

I now its my fiance's responsibility, but our relationship can't handle this anymore. How can we make her to take her responsibility toward him?

By making her pay child support for any extra care YOUR future husband has to give, or pay insurance. Shipping a child back and forth who needs help
Is abominable of an idea, and you both should be ashamed for considering it!!

Children are NOT a convenience to be shipped away to accommodate silly stupid adults who made them. His stupid ex is bad enough, without YOU, and HIM, adding to this BULL CRAP!! :mad:

Handle your responsibilities as a family, or you will never be one!

Jake2008 · Jan 28, 2012, 09:54 AM

Well, that's the thing about parenting, it gets rough. Would you be so willing to boot one of the other children out because they are causing problems?

Sorry to be harsh, and it is a tremendous challenge to raise so many children, but it also makes me very sad that you think of this one child as disposable, because he isn't yours. Does your husband feel the same way?

To particularly send this child to his mother, who doesn't want him, and rarely sees him, is just cruel. To expect her to just take him, and turn her life upside down is unreasonable. For this child to adapt and cope to an entirely new family, and all that entails, is ridiculous.

That she doesn't pay child support, has nothing to do with the child, and your husband needs to get back into court to enforce any order that was given.

You cannot make her take responsibility for her son, as far as custody goes. Bouncing the kid around where he isn't wanted by his father and you, and isn't wanted by his mother and her new husband, will put this kid in an even worse position than he's in now.

I don't know how old the child is you're wanting to get rid of, so I cannot speak to what may or may not be going on with him, as far as considering his age.

But, what I can speak to is the very cold attitude you have toward that child, and posting a question to get suggestions as to how to essentially get rid of him, is just beyond words. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Kids ARE trouble and kids are a LOT of work, no matter who is responsible for parenting them. You have already reached the conclusion you don't want him in your life, so I won't even suggest counselling for starters.

What a sad, sorry situation this is for that kid.

MBrits · Jan 29, 2012, 11:44 PM

I asked for help not your attitude! We have gone for consoling and wen't to a child psychologist noting works its been 4yrs and he are 9yrs of age, its not about throwing him away its about what's best for him and the family in hole. To go on like this will only end up in a separation between me and my fiancé so what good will come out of that? If I didn't care at all why would I take the time to find options? Could just as well drop him of and go on with my life but I asked for help. Have a nice life..

ScottGem · Jan 30, 2012, 04:58 AM

And you got help. You were advised to go to court and require the mother to pay child support. You were advised to seek counseling. You were advised that your fiancé cannot give up on the child. So you were given good advice.

This site is different from other Q&A sites. We don't just give specific answers, but our advice may include our feelings about a situation. You can't dictate how people will answer. You can, however, ignore any advice you don't want.

talaniman · Jan 30, 2012, 07:40 AM

It was asked what would you do if it were any of your children and not his. That's what riles most people. I have no doubt that you would move the earth to do for your own, yet with his you see his child as a threat to the whole relationship. In reality this is a problem for your whole blended family, and wouldn't you what him to love and support your kids? Of course you would, and you would want him to stand with you through the hardships of any reality, especially regardig YOUR kids.

You must be willing to do the same, and not cut and run when things get difficult. Find this special child some help, and even if you have failed, or gotten some unsatisfactory results so far, keep looking to help him. After all, he IS your child, as much as you want your husband to see your children as his own.

mmresd · Jan 30, 2012, 11:59 AM

You need to work things out and make the family get along, you accepting this man as your fiancée is also accepting his biological son as part of your family. Start acting like one if you plan to get married.

MBrits · Jan 31, 2012, 12:36 AM

My son (15yrs) know if he doesn't want to live according to my rules he can go to his father. If he did what my fiance's son are doing he will be disciplined accordingly, but the problem is he doesn't like to enforce rules, and the child knows it so he use it to his advantage. All of you are quickly to say he are our responsibility, but what about his mothers responsibilities? He wasn't alone when the child was made. You can't tell me anything about responsibilities, (Judge like you wan't to)I were in school when my son was born, gone back and finished he was only looked after in mornings when I attended, when I got back from school no one helped me. My father worked and mother weren't there. Till this day my son is in my custody and I have never pushed my responsibilities on to other. Its nice to make children and stand back to say well not my problem he doesn't live with me, she left when he was 3yrs, his 9yrs now. But its easier always to say the step-mom are the problem. You took his father so deal with him... He's not only his father's child.
THANKS TO ALL. HAVE A GREAT LIFE..

ScottGem · Jan 31, 2012, 04:08 AM

No one said you are the problem, just that if you want a relationship with the father you have to deal with the family.

You seem to have a chip on your shoulder, though I do partially understand that you didn't expect the response you got here. But you got good advice on how to deal with the situation. So the ball is now in your court (pun intended).

talaniman · Jan 31, 2012, 01:17 PM

Does this boy have special needs or something? Or is your guy NOT a good father. We can only comment on what you have written, so instead of being defensive, provide facts. I suspect the fact he cannot be taken in by his mother may be at the root of this thing, and by law, you cannot make her take custody, but there are legal remedies for financial responsibility.

If you base this frustrations you have on his fathering, then yes leaving is your solution for sure, but expecting him to take advantage of your luxuries (shipping the kids to your baby daddy), is crazy because he cannot. This kid, and dad to may need a lot of counseling, and therapy, and because it hasn't worked yet, is no reason to stop, and give up. YOU can give up on this situation, but again he cannot. If you cannot support his efforts, then leave.

I know its frustrating, raising kids always is, and blending a family is even more frustrating. Maybe you all can benefit from help through counseling. Many of us have been there done that, but since you don't have the convenience to just send him to his mamma, then you must pursue your other options.