[reinschauen]

I met someone online that I got along with really well. We hit it off right away and had a great friendship for a few months. I shared my worries with him and he was fun to spend time with.
Eventually he confessed to me that he fell in love and told me he would steal me away from my boyfriend because I have been telling him that I was unhappy. He told me he loved me and wanted to give me everything I ever wanted or needed and I fell for it. I left my boyfriend for him.

After I moved out and went back to my parents things between us started to deteriorate. I started to feel bad about leaving and I kept talking about my feelings. How I miss my home and that I can't live like this and that he should come and get me already. I know now that I acted really desperate and I didn't have my feelings under control. And it drove him away. He started seeing how I really was and it scared him.

He told me about his doubts that he couldn't be with someone that can't control their feelings and that I should try to live without him for a while. He said that he wanted me to be happy and that if I couldn't even live with myself he didn't want to be with me. I understood and I went on a journey to find myself again. I have been analyzing what I feel and tried to understand it. I have repeatedly tried talking to him to show off my progress, but I kept relapsing into my old behavior patterns every time we spoke.
I am fine without him, but I'm starting to get really tense and fearful around him. Whenever he sees that I'm not the way he expects me to be he shoots me down and criticizes me. And this is just putting so much stress on me that I can't act happy and relaxed around him anymore.

It's like a vicious cycle. We're at the point that we made an agreement to not talk with each other because it's unhealthy for both of us. I don't know if he just wants me to find myself again and be healthy or if he doesn't want to argue with me anymore in fear of me hating him. He makes it seem like he's only looking out for me, but he said he's also looking out for himself because he doesn't want to get hurt.

We still love each other and it's a challenging time for me. I'm just searching for help online and trying to understand my feelings. And I think if I had the emotional balance I could lead us both on the right track again.

But right now I am scared of him. I don't know why. When I dream of him it makes me feel anxious. When I talk to him I get stressed. I had a very terrible experience that I keep remembering. We were talking to each other and he just started being really apathic and yelling at me how I keep telling him I've changed but he can't see it. I don't even remember everything he said but it made me shut down internally that I couldn't respond to him anymore. And I'm still hurt and scared because of that.

I just want to reach a point where I stop being afraid. What of? We're not even talking, he can't hurt me anymore. I'm in a conflict with myself that I can't seem to find a way out of.

A week ago - after I hadn't talked to him for a while - I realised something. I understood. It all made sense and I was just filled with love and understanding. And I took the chance to say goodbye to him, because I was ready to move on. But he started to pull me back to him telling me how much he loved me and wanted me to be his wife and everything. I couldn't resist, but I should have. Because it broke my resistance and I was back to where I started. And he pushed me away again.

I love him, but he's not healthy for me right now and I don't know if he ever will be. I feel like I can get someone better that treats me right and loves me the way I deserve it. I don't know if I should try to be friends with him because I'm afraid he would woo me again despite him hurting me before.

What should I do?

[ctrigwell]

The simplest answer I can surmise is this is an unhealthy relationship and you would benefit much more from a clean separation from him

I hope this helps

[reinschauen]

I feel much better since I decided to never talk to him again. And the bad dreams stopped. And I don't care what he does anymore. I still get sad but I know I can survive this.

[ctrigwell]

Well done it sounds like he didn't deserve you and your doing better without him I hope you find someone who makes you truly happy you deserve happiness and someone who makes you feel good about the person you are