[mother of girLs]

HI, I am a mother of two teenagers ages 13 and 16. I recently went through a depression and am slowly talking myself out of it.

I found I was blaming myself for my daughters anger and sometime still do. I have been married for 19 years and am now feeling closer to my husband after 19 years. My depression has had him open his eyes - realizing that I can not do everything on my own. I've been the stronger of the two and he knows now that I am not and is finally helping out. (it took my break down for him to realize it).

I sometime want to talk to people who can give me advise. My daughter HATES her dad and she admitted that she loves him because she feels she has too. And for me, she loves me more again because I'm her mom.

My story is long and want to be able to talk to someone without being shut down.

Why is it so hard to be a parent and a friend to you kids. When everything around them is falling apart, you are to blame.

My 16 year old daughter wants control of her life, doesn't want a curfew, wants to go out whenever she wants, doesn't help out around the house and when we tell her what to do, she HATES US, blames us for her depression, hates her life and threatens to move out. How much of this abuse can I stand for, she has excussed for everything.

My husband has given up, gives her the freedom to a certain extend - doesn't question where she goes but still enforces a time to be home which whe fights us all the time.

I know I can't protect her all the time, I try to talk to her, try to get down the why she is always so angry.

[Capuchin]

I think that a lot of the things you mention are very natural things that are happening, and I don't believe that you are the alone with having these problems.

Your kids will not see you as a friend until at least 18, you are adults and they are children. They draw a line there. It will not be until they are about 18 that they start seeing that adults are in fact just like them and there isn't so much of a line.

Your 16 year old is transitioning into an adult, and that is why she is yearning for freedom. Maybe she blames you because she has nobody else but herself to blame. It's natural for her to rebel against you.

I can only try to give you your kids' point of view, I don't have any experience with parenting as I am only young myself, I hope other members will come forward and give you some ideas on how to handle the situation. I do understand how hard it can be though.

I hope what I have said is helpful and I wish you the best.

[JoeCanada76]

Yes, I agree.

These teenager years are transition years. They are trying to figure out how to be their own person. They will push bounderies plus many teenagers find it hard to confide in their parents. They have lots going on in their life that are probably not being communicated and that is where the anger is probably coming from.

There are possibly different approaches that maybe you have not tried yet that might help ease the situation. At the same time, this is the time where there is a lot of stress. Bounderies need to be set and communication needs to be opened up. Counselors are great at helping out with ideas on how to do this.

For my personal situation when I was a teenager. There was lots of arguing and fighting, and the reason why I was angry and upset was because everything I tried to do was never ever good enough for my parents so I finally just stopped doing anything, and I had to move out because it started getting physical, not me but my step father.

Every situation is different. I hope that just writing your thoughts down helped release some tension. That might be a good idea to introduce a personal journel to your child so they can write down there thoughts, no matter what is going on. It is very helpful, I know I personally found it helpful. Good luck with everything.

Joe

[JoeCanada76]

Like I said every situation is different.

Oh my sister is 17 years old, and she started getting very nasty a year ago. I personally believe that it was the way she was raised. For me they were very strict and I was not allowed to do anything at all. With her they let her do whatever she wanted and did not have any rules.

Joe

[seeking a solution]

With kids you have to have that tough love and not pay much attention to the I hate you's that come out of there mouths. Girls are tough and delicate at that age. I remember wanting to be treated as an adult even though I was reminded that that title was one that I had to earn and being a parent isn't easy but you have to stick to it all the time. I have a 17 year old that make me feel that way at times. He's like Doctor Jeckel and Mr. Hide. But I push trough it thinking I am the parent not him. I'm not letting him win. Kids only say that they hate you because they aren't getting their way, you are the parent and you can have cerfew. To me if the curfew time is abused they have to be in one hour before the next time if again then in for that night. Things change if you stick to your guns. Remember you set the rules they don't. Remind them that family will always be there no matter what, even when friends let them down. Good luck and be strong, I know it can be very hard at times but keep your head up kill them with kindness and try to be strong for them and yourself.