[jess2202]

Hey y'all, I recently got diagnosed With PMDD* and I feel like the ugliest girl in the world. My boyfriend of 5 years cheated on my 5 times and lied to me a ton. I didn't find out until a few years in the relationship and I found out all at once. The catch is I have a five year old daughter from my previous marriage who is attached to my current boyfriend. And my boyfriend has been involved in her life since before she was two.

However, for the past two years he hasn't lied or cheated, he stopped talking to all his girl friends (with benefits) and even stopped hanging out with his guy friends because they encourage his behavior. Well, his friends hate me, and feel that I'm stealing him from them, when I didn't ask him to do any of this it was his choice. I gave him a choice of get your **** together or get out of mine and my daughters life. Well he did that. Except, I'm having an extremely hard time moving past it. And now I'm depressed and feel like the ugliest girl on the planet to him. Every time he says " I love you" your beautiful " I don't believe him. And I'm constantly thinking if you loved me and thought I was beautiful why did you lie and cheat so much?

Now I'm currently on depression pills, and I resent him. I feel not, good enough. And I'm not unattractive at all, I know that, but I feel ugly to him. Its been 3 years since he last lied. Please help


*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premens...horic_disorder/T

[joypulv]

You could spend years in talk therapy figuring out why you have such low self esteem and why you are caught in a loop of resentment and not feeling good enough.
Or, you could try something practical. I would find someone, family would be best, who you can go stay with for a whole MONTH with your daughter, and set very strict guidelines of limited contact with your boyfriend. Why? So that you can determine if you have any appreciation of him in his new role as a attentive and reformed monogamous man, and to see if you MISS him. And so that you can do this BEFORE he gives up. You don't say how long it's been, but I suspect that there's a limit. After all, you gave him an ultimatum, he agreed to it, and in essence you failed to keep up your unspoken end of the bargain - forget the past.
I'm not saying it's easy to forget! I'm saying you HAVE to IF you want him. Simple as that.
If you can't, chances are he will leave you eventually.
Find self esteem in girlfriends, looking good, taking care of your health, learning new skills and maybe some part time work if motherhood permits time off. No one can get all themselves esteem from just one person. Go out with girlfriends some time and chat with some cute men at the next table. Find out that you ARE still attractive, from family, friends, and to a tiny extent from strangers.

[awesomagic]

It's been 3 years since he's lied to you. That's a very good start. You might not be inclined to do so, but try to give him a little credit for 3 years of success. Then give yourself credit for giving him credit. I know it sounds one-sided, but that just may be the jumpstart that your relationship needs.

Of course, it's evident that you are still heart-broken, and rightfully so. I'm sorry that you and your daughter have had to endure all of this. But when it comes to other people doing dumb things you need to develop a short memory. We all do stupid stuff and nobody wants it held against them forever. That doesn't mean you should be a pushover, but try not to directly blame him if at all possible.

When he says, "I love you" don't analyze. Just say, "I love you too, sweetheart". As I have said, it's not easy. If it was easy, anybody could do it. But you can do it. You have been strong enough to get this far, you can get the rest of the way. We will be glad to help you if you like. I hope you and your boyfriend can find peace and love in the midst of these problems. We're here if you need us. Good luck.

[talaniman]

When was the last physical you had? I think its time to share all this with your doctor, just in case an adjustment in your meds is needed. That's where I think you start. At least eliminate that aspect of the way you feel.

[jess2202]

I'm having such a hard time trying to forgive and forget. My boyfriend cheated on me a few times and I think of him as a liar because he lied so much and doesn't admit to anything. He is not very in touch with his emotions and I just feel since he betrayed me so much that he would do something to boost myself worth in this relationship. However, he constantly checks out other girls in front of me and even makes comments about other women.

So, over the past year and half I fell into a state of depression. I'm on anti depressants and when my emotions take over and I just need to cry he gets mad and is not at all supportive. I have dated him since 2007 he has cheated at least 5 times lied a ton about going on dates with girls and I just didn't find out until it was years into the relationship.

I have a daughter she is 5 going on 6 and she loves him. I almost think I'm just staying because he is so good to my daughter. Maybe, in over thinking... For the past 2 1/2 years have been good and I hope he has been honest but no matter what he says I still don't believe a word he says.

Is this my fault? What is so wrong with me? I'm pretty attractive a lot of guys hit on me. But I still feel worthless and gross looking now because of the things he put me through

[DoulaLC]

Hi jess2202,

It is hard to forgive and forget because it seems as though he hasn't tried to work at rebuilding the trust. Due to that, you are left with continuing to wonder what he may or may not be up to, and if he is honest with you or not.

Was any of this discussed with each other? Or has it been swept under the rug, so to speak? Afraid to bring it up because it will end up being an argument where he makes you feel bad (again), doesn't take ownership of his part in any of it, and you back down and avoid confrontation so as not to rock the boat?

You can't stuff the feelings down and expect they won't crop up now and then. They have resulted in your need for medication as sooner or later you have to deal with it one way or another. Your body is telling you that you need to deal with it. It is not only an emotional toll, it is now a physical one.

Would he be open to counseling? Have you tried talking to him about trying to work through these feelings and, if so, what is his response? That he appears to not want to take responsibility for his actions, and gets mad at your when you are hurting, doesn't bode well for the health and future of your relationship.

Think about this: Why do you stay with him? If you made a list of pros and cons... what would the results tell you? If the list of cons is longer, are the pros enough to offset the cons? Do you want to be with someone that you can't believe will be honest with you? Your daughter may adore him, but what does your relationship show her about what relationships should be like?

You have a few choices... continue as you are, seek counseling either with him (preferably) or on your own in order to help you work through it as best as you can, see if you can try and work together to rebuild the trust, or separate.

Think about your future with him... where do you see things in a year... three years? More of the same? The kind of relationship you deserve? The kind of relationship you want your daughter to observe and learn from?

[Homegirl 50]

If he cheated on you so many times and does not treat you respectfully why are you still there?
You mentioned a daughter. Do you want her to think this is how women are to be treated?
You can't forgive and forget because he has not given you reason to.

[I wish]

The best way to forgive and forget is to replace old memories with new ones. Instead of focusing on what you did wrong and what you regret, focus on what you learned and what you can do better next time.

Someone is going to be really lucky when they meet you and you will be able to share everything you learned from this previous relationship with this new person that deserves it.

It's easy for us to tell you not to feel bad for yourself and it's not your fault. But it would be helpful if you could take on a more active approach. Meeting new people is the best way to move on with your life, because you will realize tha there are better people out there in the world and once you surround yourself around these better people, you will definitely feel better about yourself!

[Wondergirl]

Forgiving is for you to move forward (not to make him feel better). Forgetting may not be possible; remembering this situation is your "best friend" so you don't repeat your mistakes.

[talaniman]

Did you have that check up as I suggested? The thing about forgetting and forgiving is it takes time, and has to be actions as well as words. Since you are still having those trust issues, you have not completed your own healing process yet, far from it, you have made his behavior a part of that process.

I think you have to articulate your feelings to him in a calm way, so he knows what you expect. He doesn't know why you cry, or what he is supposed to do about it. You have to tell him before it happens while you are calm.

Same way with comments he blurts out. I doubt you have had these small but important talks. Its obvious you are making yourself worse by trying to bury those old feelings instead of acknowledging them for what they are and letting them go. He can't do that for you, he can only help.

Sorry but as long as you put the relationship before your own proper healing, you will keep suffering. Hard to smile when you really want to scream, and sad you have gone this long without getting what you think you are due, or need.

I am convinced this starts with a check up, and some guidance to some positive venting strategies, that your BF may just not be qualified to help you with.

[jess2202]

Hey y'all I have a question. I keep having these dreams about my boyfriend cheating on me with the girls he has cheated on me with. My boyfriend of 5 years has lied a million times and cheated a few times. I have a 6 year old daughter that is attached to him. And maybe that's why I stayed, plus myself worth is just about non existent, and I'm currently taking zoloft for my depression. Which by the way I resent him for it. But I keep having these dreams waking up with a pounding headache and I'm irritated the whole day.

[snabors]

Well I'm sorry if this makes you mad but you should have ended it wit him the first time he did that because once someone dose that once and you take them back they know that they can do it again

[Fr_Chuck]

Let me see he was cheating on other women with YOU? If I understand it correct, And since he has been with you, he has cheated on you several times.

I can only ask why you ever let your child close to him at all.

But you leave him, stop any contact, stop listening to his lies. You know you have to, you know you should and even your dreams are telling you to.

[jess2202]

Thank you all for your comments, they really help. Sometimes I feel I have no one to talk to. Unfortunately I have no close family I can stay with. My parents put me in Foster home when I was 13 because they were on Meth. I left home at 17 and didn't turn back. As for a check up. I went to the doctor yesterday they changed my meds to Zoloft. It has many side effects. I can't talk to my boyfriend because if I want to be with him then I need to not bring up the past. He hasn't done anything bad in 2 1/2 almost 3 years. He has put in the effort but its me. Me I can't let it go and its affecting my life. It doesn't help that my hormones aren't normal. This is the only boyfriend I've had that makes me feel so low, so ugly, so jealous. I used to feel sexy until he did all those things to me. I don't know why I love him so much if he makes me feel this way.

[talaniman]

Try not to zoom around too much and see how your meds are adjusted to. Do not hesitate to call your doctor when something is off, or you don't understand. That's his job to guide you through this process. I suspect there is more to this than just your boyfriend though, so what's going on with YOUR life, as far as job, friends, and hobbies?

Yes I am looking beyond the meds to see what "triggers", these erratic thoughts. Sometimes old feelings are dredged up because of stressful events and I have no doubt that's what's going on now. That's the problem with burying things instead of resolving them. Especially when you expect someone to give you what you were denied by others. Or hurts you!! Built up anger, and resentment, has to go some place, or it tears us up.

This is the only boyfriend I've had that makes me feel so low, so ugly, so jealous. I used to feel sexy until he did all those things to me. I don't know why I love him so much if he makes me feel this way.

You should feel sexy, and happy with yourself regardless of the actions of others. Why take the weakness, and flaws of others as a knock against you? Not your fault they do stupid stuff, at times of their own weakness. Is it?

Start being good to yourself, and don't depend on someone else to do it for you.

[mmresd]

You need to work on yourself esteem and on your confidence, this is separate of what he had done in the past. You need to make a choice whether you want him in your life. If you do, then forgive and forget the past and start new with the family you guys have made together. If you don't then, break up with him and move on with your life, take care of yourself and your child.

[mmresd]

You should have broken up with him the moment you found out he cheated, especially if you cannot forgive AND FORGET. It seems like it is catching up to you. As to how to stop your dream I have NO idea. But I can guarantee you than ending this relationship and stay single for a while will give you piece of mind in the sleeping department.

[jess2202]

You are all right. Its catching up to me to bad I found out about it 4 years into the relationship. :(

Thank you all for your responses! They really help me a lot. I have considered going to a therapist. For myself. I still resent him greatly for treating me so badly. :(

[joypulv]

The one thing (maybe the only thing) I learned in therapy is that people don't 'make' you do much of anything unless they physically drag you or hold a gun to your head. You say:
'This is the only boyfriend I've had that makes me feel so low, so ugly, so jealous. I used to feel sexy until he did all those things to me. I don't know why I love him so much if he makes me feel this way.'

So in 3 sentences you say he made you feel a certain way or did things to you. What you will slowly learn with a good therapist is that you ALLOWED yourself to go through events and you LET yourself be affected certain ways. I think most of us here have some inking of what happens when you are hurt and can't leave - why? Mostly because you want the other person to see you suffer, AND even to suffer by seeing you suffer. It's kind of a warped revenge mixed in with worthlessness. You are punishing him AND yourself. It's time to either leave him or sit down with him and say 'I want to stop punishing you and forgive you. I want to feel better about myself. Let's make a list of how we can work on mutual respect.' Notice how it's about you, but it is not about him. It is your situation. Then draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper, and each of you writes down what you can do on a daily basis to start over. You can ask each other to do or not do certain things too, sort of a trade, an even playing field.

[cathy88]

Please explain why you resent him for you taking antidepressants.