[pumpkin47]

I am crying as I type this. I have never done this before, so please bear with me.

I am 48, have 2 children. My son is 20. I have waited on him lovingly and have never gone a day without telling both my children "I love you."

My son met his first girlfriend at 17. Her mom was a drug addict and had been living with her dad and 3 sisters since she was 12. The dad doesn't work. She and her sisters have live-in boyfriends and do drugs. My son fell in love with Karissa, one of the sisters. She was 16, and he was 17. Their first date was on Valentines Day. I purchased a dozen roses and movie tickets for his date. When she arrived, she had piercings and seemed angry. She stated that I wouldn't like her because of her background (which couldn't be farther from the truth--if my son loved her, I also would care for her).

She had no money nor did my son, so we purchased prom tickets and dinner. He informed us that he wasn't going to graduation to collect his diploma because it was for me, not him. His girlfriend would come over and would not say hi to me, but would just go to my son's room. We told our son he was not allowed in his room with the door shut. He was angry and my husband and I were yelled at.

I was cleaning his room and found out that he was doing all her homework and even the SAT to graduate from high school. We told him he must get a job, get his license, and start thinking about his future. When Mothers Day came, he went to see her mom and didn't call me. His girlfriend asked him to move in with her.

I woke up. He was in the kitchen, and I was baking brownies. She pulled up, and he came back with a truck to collect his things--a plasma TV, a queen-sized bed, and his XBox with 90 games. She had made mention that she never had anything like he had. My husband and I have been married 30 years and are not rich. I give everything I can to provide.

I didn't hear from him until 6 months later. His girlfriend's mother died of a drug overdose. She said I could come but only if I bring money for her and my son, since I hadn't seen him at Christmas, but saw him 3 other times--always with her, never alone. My husband said he didn't want to see his son if he always had to buy his affection from his girlfriend. I asked him on my birthday, Could we spend the time together alone and have dinner? He said no, and the last time we heard from him was when he picked his sister up and she expressed right before Christmas that he wanted an expensive coffee maker. He doesn't drink coffee, so it would be for everyone in the house (her father and 2 sisters and their boyfriends live together in the same house--the only one working is him working 3 jobs yet he never wanted to work at home).

His sister then started acting out. She has hit me several times and is verbally abusive. We talked to her about her behavior, and I have taken her to her doctor. The other day I had to go a parent-teacher meeting. Everything went well. We got in the car, and she called me a whore. I thought she was going to hit me. My husband came home from work early and told her he is going to call the police and have her taken away if she strikes either of us. She called her brother. He and his girlfriend said to her, Don't listen to mom or dad; they are crazy, and mom is worthless and don't talk them. She's 13. When we had dinner, she said I should be grateful she's talking to me at all.

We just borrowed $3,000 for braces she needs. When other people are around (teachers and others), she acts like she's another person. My husband says don't do anything for her, and we started alone and she like her brother will leave too.

Please help!

[awesomagic]

Wow! That's horrible. I'm sorry that you're going through that. As far as your son is concerned, he's an adult now. You can't MAKE him do anything anymore. If he doesn't want you to participate in his life, then don't participate. You need to understand that it's his decision, not yours. Unfortunately for him, that sword cuts both ways. If he doesn't want you involved in his affairs, then neither can you bail him out of any trouble that he gets into, or offer solutions to his problems. He wants you out, so stay out. In his case, I suggest you pick up the Bible and read the story of the Prodigal Son. That might give you some perspective on this. It's found in Luke 15: 11-32. If you don't have a Bible, then get one!

Your duaghter is a different case. You had better get a hold of her quick. If you allow this threatening-type behavior continue then in a couple more years you're going to have some real problems. She is NOT an adult and she must still answer to her parents for her actions. So make her answer for them. Cut her no slack on anything until she shows that she can act like a little lady at home. You must stop at nothing to get this point across to her. Restrict her privileges and/or spank her butt (she's not to old yet). And I mean every word of it. Do whatever you must to keep her in line. Tell you what, while you have your Bible out turn to Proverbs 23: 13-14. I'll let that passage do the talking for me. Let me know how everything turns out. Best of luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to stop contact with your son and let him decide when he waits or wants you.

You may consider a boot camp for your daughter, and some tougher love.

[pumpkin47]

Thank you for all your help I pray everyday that things will get better ii am grateful my husband is supportive he is taking off work because he's afraid my daughter could hurt me asa momilove my children and it breaks my heart to give them toughf love but I know you are right thank you for all your help please pray for me to have strenth to overcome this I have always been a loving mom but sadly I know I need to be strong is this normal do others also have these issues I onley pray that I can be strong to do what's right once again thank you

[Wondergirl]

The main thing to do for your daughter (and for yourself) is to set good boundaries for her, make good rules. And then you must be consistent and not let her get away with it when she breaks the rules. There should be appropriate punishments that make sense.

And, of course, when she behaves and is helpful and is sweet, always praise her -- "I really like how you made your bed this morning, making sure there were no lumps underneath the bedspread" or "Thank you so much for putting away the clean dishes" or "You do such a nice job of pulling together interesting colors and patterns when you get dressed."

[ceilingtile]

I was a lot like you and still am but I have learned the hard way. Do not give more money. And get some counselling for yourself if possible.

Let him go and don't wait on them anymore.