[sophianevae]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about six months. When we first got together, he was actually my manager at work. At first I thought it would just be a fling, that we would both enjoy and then he would move to Florida and I'd never see him again. I was fine with this concept. Unexpectedly, we had great chemistry as far as what we both wanted out of life and out of a relationship. The relationship moved very quickly because he was scheduled to be transferred to Florida two months later. I, never really having a stable life due to foster care and other things, agreed to move in with him after only a month of having our "secret relationship." I quit my job and got another one in the city where he lived. I always had it in the back of my mind that something could very well go wrong seeing that we moved so fast; but I was fully ready for that if it happened. I wasn't fooling myself. Sex was great; no problems whatsoever. He was very affectionate and would initiate sex with me with no hesitation. He seemd to enjoy giving me oral sex and receiving it as well. Everything was great in that aspect. Fast-forward to two months into the relationship. He asked me to move to Florida with him; I accepted the invitation. It seems as though as soon as I quit my job and was no longer working for him his sex drive towards me declined rapidly. Now it has resorted to not at all. I've brought it up on several occasions; first very lightly, then finally it escalated to fighting, crying, and pleading for it. I still haven't gotten a result. The best reason he has been able to give me is stress, or that he simply doesn't know why he doesn't want it. He doesn't look at porn; which is actually more confusing for me. He can't be cheating seeing that I have his work schedule which is always posted on the fridge and he is never a minute late home; and never goes anywhere without me. This all makes it MORE confusing. It would be easier to find out that he was cheating and just be able to call it quits. The fact that there are no other problems in the relationship and we get along great; and he is not cheating makes me wonder all the more why he doesn't want to have sex with me. It has caused me to be highly insecure with myself when I am a very attractive young lady who once had no problem going to strip clubs with my boyfriend. I've even dated women in the past and have always been very relaxed about the idea of trusting my man in a room full of attractive women. I have turned into what I've always been against: an insecure woman who can't trust her man. I cannot continue on this path any longer. One thing I have yet to mention is the birth of his son only one year ago. I read an article about men having children who lose their sex drive for the first few years... I've talked to him about this but he just says he doesn't know what it is. He always tells me that it isn't me and that he is very attracted to me. I'm in shape, very beautiful, and very spntaneous in bed but not over bearing or over-controlling. I just don't understand what it is. It's the worst feeling ever. I'm concerned that he may only be able to get off if he is doing something wrong; seeing that our sex life was great when I was his employee; but it deteriorated to nothing once I quit working for him. Yet, I can't help but ask myself why he just wouldn't be honest with me about it or want to break up if that's the case. He still wants to live together and says he wants to get married someday; just acting as though everything is fine when we literally have no intimacy whatsoever. He has no history of cheating or indescretion that I know of. I can't help but believe that it doesn't matter how good I look, how good I am intimately, or how great our relationship is otherwise... I just feel he has no interest in me at all and I don't know why. HELP!

[sophianevae]

Some more information that I neglected to include: He is 33 and I am 23. He wouldn't turn me down but I HAVE to be the one to initiate it or it will never happen.. and frankly, I don't want to be the one to initiate it all of the time. I need to know that he is attracted to me and that he wants me.

[Fr_Chuck]

Most likely the stree of the move, in you not working and he paying all the bills.

He may be more turned on with you starting it, a lot of men are.

[sophianevae]

I work two jobs but he does pay most of the bills. He knew that when we got together though. So, if I were to pay let's say half of the bills do you think it would make a difference in his interest towards me?

[CravenMorhead]

You mention cheating several times, more along the lines of him not doing it, and fling and a lot of things. Just a note on the language that you're using. What is your subconscious trying to say. What you doing, or looking for. It almost looks like you're looking for an exit here.

The other clue is that his son a year ago. I am assuming that the mother of his child has some demands on him still. Which is an additional source of stress. As well that means he probably wasn't long out of that relationship when he started with you. Could be a rebound and he is starting to cool. An option, but not necessarily the answer.

Another angle to touch on, and you did a little, it kind of dropped off when you quit. The thrill of a work romance, hiding and keeping it secret, was gone. That might have burned out the honeymoon part of the relationship.

It could just be a low point. It is also only a six month relationship. Weight this along with the amount of sex you want/need versus what you're probably going ot get. What is this going to be like 5-10 or even 20 years down the road. Is this what you want.

I think you need to sit down and think about this a little. Talk with him and figure it out. It might be best to part ways.

[sophianevae]

Also, he has been moving around for the past 10 or more years, so I hardly think it could be the stress from moving. He has also been married twice; not including the mother of his new child. I'm not sure if that has any significance or should have been a red flag for me. All I want is to settle down and be a wife and step-mother to his child. I can't put my heart into someone anymore who I feel doesn't make an effortor care about my feelings. Something I've always believed is that if someone cares about you and you tell them something is bothering you that they are doing; they will at least make an effort to change it, even if they can't right away they will TRY. He has done absolutely nothing to show me he cares that this is bothering me. I'm not asking for much, here. I feel ridiculously embarrassed that I am dealing with such an issue in the first place. If he can just go along this way then he's basically telling me without actually telling me he doesn't really care if he's with me or not. Maybe I should have considered his past some more. I don't want to judge somebody by their past but I guess in a way it made him who he is, right? He also has a past of sleeping with employees. No one I knew; but it still causes me to think he has no conscience of right or wrong and no character as a man. Although I don't want to be a hypocrite because I did the same by being with him, but if I was a manager I know I wouldn't. I'm really not sure of what to do here. I'm not sure I know who he is anymore. It's strange how people can change overnight.

[sophianevae]

I'd be happy with once a week; but I can't be happy in a relationship with never. That's just not going to work. And you're probably right about the rebound, the work romance thrill, and the stress. It's all of the above I just didn't want to believe it.

[sophianevae]

Its probably stupid that I'm so worried about a 6 month relationship at all. BUT I live with him and also moved across the country with him and he wants me to again; which I can only blame myself for. It's also part of the reason why I know something is wrong because you rarely hear of a guy not wanting sex anymore after only 2 months.

[smoothy]

I don't think you paying half the bills will matter all that much in this matter. There is something else going on here, and finding out what is key... It can be physical... it might be mental... it might even be emotional. Its possible a combination of any or all of those.

Has he had a complete physical recently? Is he on any meds? Either of these can put the brakes on a guys libido... if not cause a complete inability to function either at times or all the time.

And young guys can suffer from the same things that cause so many older guys some of these problems.

[sophianevae]

I don't get why he strings me along then after I've told him a thousand times I'd be fine and happier if he would be honest with me. He's not making things any easier being like this. If he told me the truth BOOM I'd be gone and not even be angry with him or hold a grudge. What more does he want?

[sophianevae]

Well, I broke up with him earlier and have to stay for another two weeks because of my jobs. This is going to be fantastic.

[smoothy]

OK... so it's a closed issue at this point then.

Look at it this way... you wasn't happy with him... keep a positive outlook, pay closer attention with the next guy before you get in a situation that's not so easy to leave... and things can only get better. Before long you will be able to laugh about this.

[sophianevae]

The problem is I don't want to break up; I just want him to realize how serious this is to me.

[sophianevae]

My problem is that I think discussing these things with the person beforehand actually make a difference in preventing them from happening. I'm such a naïve idiot sometimes.

[smoothy]

Discussing them is always the best first move... because sometimes it works.

Why do you think about staying? Because its easier to stay with what you know than the unknown of something new.

That's why so many abused spouses stay with their abusive mates.

I know he wasn't abusing you... I was just using that as an example. And most of us feel the same way in a situation we may not like. Trust me... I've made the same mistake too, more than once... only in hindsight can I say it was obvious, or easy... because at the time it clearly wasn't.

You have to decide... do it now... or put up with it until you are in your forties... unhappy, no kids and its too late to have them. Its going to be a rough decision, and having to move halfway across the country doesn't make it any easier.

Do you have family and a support net you can move back too? That can make it a lot easier to get yourself reestablished after a move. Or are the jobs you have now good enough to consider remaining in the area even if you move out?

[sophianevae]

I feel like drinking my problems tonight I have only drank three times in the last 6 months. The tough thing about this decision is that EVERYTHING else is perfect, and I mean couldn't be better. I'm not exaggerating. We can talk about anything, we get along well, it' not boring, we make each other laugh, we're boh sexually attractive... he has a lot of respect for women, he's a great father, hard worker... etc. The one and only thing is the sex. I guess I'm just hoping there is some reason that could be fixed, and that making him think I'm going to break up with him will get him to realize that so I will know if I'm important to him or not.

[sophianevae]

I have not tried the langerie and all of that yet, but I feel like I'm afriad of being regected that I can't try anymore. It's hard for me. He used to be attracted to me just sitting there not done up at all, and we haven't been married for 5 years, its been 6 months! Can stress or depression really make a man not want to have sex even when he knows he is going to lose a great relationship out of it? And yes, I have somewhere to live if I leave him. But not necessarily somewhere I want to live. I would if I jad to, but I know that's part of the reason I put up with so much unhappiness. And when someone knows you really don't want to leave them I'm sure they take advantage of that whether they intend to or not.

[sophianevae]

Okay so basically I need to know; from a man's perspective... how can I get him to understand how I feel? How should I explain this to him simply, so I don't sound like I'm nagging at him. I know men hate that. But I need to get through to him because he doesn't seem to understand the reason I'm upset. How do I explain why the relationship can't work without any sex at all. But that I love him and am willing to make it work as long as I know its not an attraction thing. Im not selfish, and can go without sex as long as I know its stress and not me because I can understand that opposed to it being inevitable that hell meet someone new who will spark his interest and get his sex drive going again.

[smoothy]

Like with women... there is no one size fits all answer. You have to know him well enough to know what to say and how.

I never saw an answer to my question about medications and if he has had complete physicals regularly... recently or at all.

There are things that can lower his libido to nothing or anything between normal and that. Some of them the first signs to him might be meeting St Peter at the Pearly gates.

[Synnen]

You BROKE UP WITH HIM.

If that doesn't say "serious", what in god's name do you think will?

He SAID it had nothing to do with you--and you couldn't accept that. Why can't it just be a slump? Why can't you trust what he says when you talk about it?

Your problem is NOT lack of sex. It's lack of trust and communication that doesn't meet on all levels.

For a 6 month relationship, you either need to let this go or you need to leave. It seems to me that you already chose "leave", but can't stick to it.