[OLDWESTERN]

We have been married nearly 35 years. I now think that from the very day of the wedding there was a problem but I was just too blind and did not understand. We had agreed to have her brother in law give her away. What she did was to have her Dad dressed up and propped up to give her away without saying a thing to me! She was 27 and I was 28. It was the first time for both of us.

Before our marriage we both had been very active with others. We dated off and on about three years. I have ALWAYS been honest with my wife before and after marriage. The first year went by. I have always worked hard and made a good living for us. We took in her 12 year old nephew to live with us for five years.

Now to what is like a knife in my gut. From the first year of our marriage there was a money problem. Things were OK as long as I took care the money but soon after it was not so. I didn't find this out until much later and only by accident. It was also at about this time that I would call home and she was not there even if I called several times. She always had an answer.

In the bedroom things were good but there was always a distance of some kind that I didn't understand at the time. I would ask her if she were mad at me (I do have that effect on others at times) and usually she would say no and nothing else. Still I had no clue at that time for we would have sex.

The money problem continued off and on through now 34 plus years. At one point she was arrested and put in handcuffs for hot checks. I was at work and didn't know until I got home and my Mother met me at my door and told me some but not all the detail. That was probably a good thing. My older brother went with my Mother to bail her out. Remember I said I made a very good paycheck. There was no reason for this!

Well I thought it (money problem) was now over and NO MORE LIES.I was WRONG! Without going into all the details it continued to happen right up to a week ago when she came home from the hospital. In moving some of her clothes in her drawer I discovered a renewed credit card in her name and a $3,800.00 plus bill. I grossed $94,000.00 plus last year. I have less than $ 5000.00 in the bank. I owe approx. $7,000.00 in hospital and doctor bills, and damn little else to show for all this.

It gets better! We can all laugh not at but with me for the FOOL that I have become at 63 years of age. Remember that I said that it gets better. Along with the credit card I found three unopened letters that was not my name nor does anywhere near our address. They were old so I threw them away but did not open them. Remember the first year of marriage and the bedroom. By the way the bedroom thing lasted about three years or better but I really think that it stopped when we started having children.

What else did I find? A newspaper clip of the man (her ex boyfriend of long standing till I asked her to marry me) who she finally admitted to meeting him during the day while I was at work. In a few words; she screwed me with the money and screwed him over me!

I will be 64 slept. 2012. All I ever wanted was happiness for us and grandkids and a golden retirement together. Our two children are grown so that is good but they will never understand. I told my wife that if she did not fight me I would be the bad guy on account of our children. I did talk to my two brothers but that is all.

There are more details for the last part of what and when I found at this last time and the confrontation and lying and finally admitting to most. She would not tell me how long the cheating went on.

I know this is a long letter. I know that I need to see a lawyer but I don't know how to choose one. I have to go back to work next week (been off on vacation) and just really don't want to. This is the first time that I have reached out to make sense of this --to understand! I just am having a very hard time with this---I have never been down like this! I know that I must get up and go on but I just don't want to any more.

I put in three years running up and down the rivers, shore detachments, and PBR mobile base in Vietnam. That didn't hurt my gut like this does. So please just point me in a good direction---I already know that it took 34 years to become a fool. I don't need to compound it. Please-no getting back together--I am tired of the lies.

[kcomissiong]

I think you needed to vent more than you need advice. You already know what to do. Make sure you find a lawyer who specializes in divorces like this. I am so sorry for your situation and that it took so long to come to light. You may want to seek therapy or counseling to help you deal with the betrayal. Good luck and please keep us informed.

[JudyKayTee]

This is more of a blog and less than a question, but I appreciate that you need to vent.

I got confused at the very beginning - why would her brother give her away and not her father (although the father, apparently, ultimately did) and why do you still care after 35 years?

I also don't think you were a fool. Maybe you trust when you shouldn't have - but that's not being a fool.

If you want out, and you apparently do, you need a family law/matrimonial Attorney, not someone who does these cases as a sideline while practicing some other type of law. I would call the Bar Association in your City or County and ask for a referral.

Meet with one. If you like the person, TRUST the person, go with him/her. If not, "interview" another Attorney. A lot of how a divorce happens depends on the working relationship between the client and the Attorney. If you don't like and trust the Attorney it's going to be a rough process.

It sounds like your wife has all sorts of issues, many of which she turned into your issues, too. Time to look forward with clear eyes.

And don't blame yourself. She sounds like she was very good at the games she played.

I predict that some day you will be very thankful to the other guy for basically taking her off your hands. You should consider him to be your best friend!

I wish you luck. If you want to vent more, come back - someone is always ready to listen.