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guido88au · Jan 7, 2012, 06:43 AM

You have heard of this story many times. I'm a 34 year old gay man with a 35 year old gay partner. We have been together for 10 years. I must admit it has not been running smoothly between my partner and I. We often argue and he doesn't seem to have time for me. He's been working 7 days a week for the last 6 months or so.

I have started a post grad degree and met this incredible 25 year old straight man. The first time I saw him in class July of 2011 I instantly had a crush om him. We started to hang out by August. Now it's Jan 2012 and I think I've fallen deeply in love with him. We hang out almost every week. Usually getting wasted.

I feel that in the short time I've known him we have connected. I know a lot about him more than he knows of me. There were at least 2 instances where I could have told him I'm gay and have a partner but I hesitated. I think I'm afraid if he finds out that I am he will stop hanging out with me. I know he's not a homophobe cause his uncle is gay and he's told me about him.

I'm really confused especially what's happening in my domestic life with my partner. Then this guy comes a long who I know I really care for. I care so much for him its hurting me. Last night we went out and just basically watched talk and flirt with at least 2 girls. It hurt so much not because he was flirting with girls. But because the girls he was flirting with were not even attractive.I feel disgusted thinking of him hooking up with any of these unattractive women. I'm sorry but its true they were unattractive. And this guy is just a charmer. French Canadian dark blonde hair with blue eyes. He can do so much better.

I don't know what to do. I feel I want to tell him I'm gay but I don't want him to know I am in love with him. I also don't want to lose him. This is the first time in why life I've fallen for a straight man. Also the first time I've had a real straight male friend. In the end, I don't want to lose him.

tickle · Jan 7, 2012, 08:04 AM

You can't go on leading a charade, with this man thinking you are a good friend to him. If he is staight, then there is no chance you two can be lovers. You must put it all out in the open.

Because you are homosexual, trying to be friends with a straight, it will have devastating consequence to your personal life.

talaniman · Jan 7, 2012, 01:07 PM

You are confused because you lack honesty. Gay, or straight, if you cannot be honest you can never be a true friend or partner. Go home and straighten out your relationship, and then tell this so called friend that you are gay, and have some respect for reality, and leave this fantasy land intrigue alone.

You have crossed the lines of good behavior, and need to get back on the right side, before you ruin ALL your relationships because you are so afraid to be honest with yourself and others.

tickle · Jan 7, 2012, 01:23 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You are confused because you lack honesty. Gay, or straight, if you cannot be honest you can never be a true friend or partner. Go home and straighten out your relationship, and then tell this so called friend that you are gay, and have some respect for reality, and leave this fantasy land intrigue alone.

You have crossed the lines of good behavior, and need to get back on the right side, before you ruin ALL your relationships because you are so afraid to be honest with yourself and others.

Tal, I can't tell you enough how your reply put everything in perspective much better then anyone of us could say. :)

guido88au · Jan 7, 2012, 04:01 PM

Thanks for your responses. Ive tried so hard to speak to my partner. His family even got involved. We are all in the same perspective. He needs to stop working so much and spend time with me. Its been over a month and he's back to his routine. He knows that I hang out with straight male friend. Cause imtell him. I think its all right with him since he can't afford to give me the time I'm asking?

Ive been trying so hard not to think of this guy. But I always fail. I think of him all the time, even in my dreams he's there. Whenever were not together I miss him. When I see him and look at him I like him even more.

I have not thought of us being together cause I know we cannot. I have a partner and he's straight. But I can't stop caring for him. Im 34 years old. I don't know why its so hard. Its should be easier for people of my age hay?

Also sometimes I'm confused with straight male friends actions. Whenever I go out random girls come up to me either grabbing me in the bum or crotch or sometimes even putting their arms around me. One time friend and I were out drinking a random english girl came up to me and we started talking while lining up for drinks. I can't remember how it happened but suddenly she had her arms around my neck. Straight friend saw it and said to the girl. "who the **** are u?" I told male friend "don't be rude shes just being friendly." if he didn't suspect I was gay why did he say that to the girl? Shouldn't he be glad I'm hooking up with a girl?

Fr_Chuck · Jan 7, 2012, 04:34 PM

Because in normal decent society girls don't come up and grab you in the crotch. Unless you are having out with hookers or very wild women, I am sure most of us would have said, what the >>>>. If someone came up and did that to anyone.

If you are not honest with this friend, you will soon lose his friendship since he will fill betrayed or even used when he finds out.

I agree, tell him the truth.

Jake2008 · Jan 8, 2012, 09:18 AM

While you are, and remain, in a long-term relationship (with one parter), regardless of whether it's a gay union or not, it is unfair to be looking for greener pastures.

Your partner has no idea that your friend is the object of intense affection from you. And this straight male friend, has no idea that you are falling for him. Nor does he know that you are otherwise involved in a serious, long term relationship.

Your partner is likely thinking it's nice you have someone to hang out with, which lets him off the hook for not spending enough time with you himself. Your partner knows this friend of yours is a straight male, and your partner, from what you've said, doesn't doubt your fidelity with him.

You can't have three people in one relationship. And the male you are now attracted to has almost equal status to your current man as far as importance in your life. Even though, the friend, has NO idea how you feel. Or who you are for that matter, or that you are otherwise involved seriously with another person.

I don't see this as a gay issue at all. I see this as a breech in the relationship, where you have allowed yourself the luxury of deceipt, in order to avoid the real problem, and that is resolving differences with your mate. That you hesitate to do everything possible to save the relationship- counselling would be helpful, you, at the same time, nurture a relationship that may never take place, and likely won't because the guy is NOT gay.

You are not being true to yourself to pretend otherwise. You pretend to be straight, you even go to the extent of entertaining female bar hoppers with your friend, as to not give yourself away. And you are afraid to lose what you have, so you continue to fool yourself, fool your partner, and fool your friend.

At some point, you're going to have to be honest. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. And until you do, the deceipt and lying will undermine everything, to a point where you could lose, what you may eventually realize, was the love of your life.