[dam577]

Hello All, and thanks in advance for reading this.

SO, I am 29 y/o, living in NYC, been single for about a year. I recently met a girl about my same age (from brazil originally), and we clicked really well, and hung out pretty often for a few months (I guess we 'dated'). This is the first girl I've felt strongly about in a while, probably years. I am not dumb when it comes to women, and I can usually read their body language pretty well ---- her body language and her words all gave me the right sings --- that she felt pretty strongly about me as well, and thought about me quite often. We have a lot in common in terms of values (so I thought... ), and also have great chemistry sexually --- great chemistry in general.

She gave me a few mixed signals during this time of dating, but nothing too serious just little pauses I think. And then, a few weeks ago, she tells me that she cannot date me anymore, that because of some traumatic event that happened to her several years ago, she can't get close to any man and she always ends up hurting them.

Of course in my mind, I'm thinking there is something about me that she doesn't like, whether it be that I don't make much money (although I do work and support myself fine), am not what she's looking for long term, or whatever. However she says she doesn't have a problem with me at all, and that she really likes me, and doesn't want to hurt me.

Part of me thinks, 'ok, I've been rejected before, and will be again' so I'll get over it and move on. Part of me, however, thinks it would be such a waste for us not to see each other anymore --- after all how many people do you meet that you really click with and laugh a lot and also share deeper values?

SO I decided (something compelled me... ) to take some space from her because it was driving me crazy and occupying my mind wayyy too much overanalyzing everything. I didn't talk to her for about a week, then we have now started small talking some. She continues to send me mixed messages (kissing me last time we hung out, asking me to talk at night to calm her down when she is freaking out/panicking). The other night she called me really anxious and apparently just the sound of my voice and my talking calmed her down. Also she'll text me randomly small talk stuff --- but clearly it's more than that. Kind of like when you text someone something insignificant just to let them know you are thinking about them.

SO I really don't know what to do here. Right now I am more/less not talking to her much, letting her kind of come to me at her own pace or whatever. I am mostly stable now myself, being productive again, smiling and laughing, etc. I still do think about her quite often though (i.e. All day) and see her around every corner it seems. I haven't felt like this for a while, and I don't understand why she would give me the signs (verbally and non-verbally) and then all of the sudden flake out and claim she can only be friends. I told her I would wait if she wanted, and she gave me a mixed response to that even.

At this point, I am trying to accept that we may never be together, although it really doesn't make sense to me that we would never connect romantically again, unless she was/is just acting with how she feels about me. Anyhow, I try to be her friend now, but it is really hard. LIke the other day she was asking me if I met someone special, etc and that really hurt me. I would never ask her that, although I know she isn't dating anyone and not looking either. But either way --- if I know she doesn't have anyone else, says she doesn't have a problem with me but is just reliving her trauma or w/e, shouldn't I continue to be in touch with her? I really want to be her friend, but part of me is telling me to move on.

What do you guys think? Thank you so much for any thought you give here... :-)

[joypulv]

This is usually a sign of someone who either has someone else, or someone else in mind, but still wants you to fall back on if it doesn't work out, and does like you to have around. Sometimes just meeting someone new and possibly available and interested can change how a person feels.
But that's just 'usually' and how can we know, total strangers online?
It might mean that she has deep trauma and can't commit to anyone, or that she isn't sure about a future with you, whether based on finances or emotions. You sound like you don't do a lot of real talking together about any of these questions, and she has never revealed what her trauma was, or what it is that keeps her from getting really involved with any man. If you do get together again for a few hours, TALK to her. Tell her how you feel just like you did here, and ASK her how she feels and why.

[dam577]

Thank you for your response. I'm about 95% sure she does not have anyone else -- in fact she is not stable enough emotionally right now (I think because of this stuff with me) to date anyone. And she keeps reiterating that she doesn't have a problem with me, that she just isn't able to be with anyone because of her PTSD.

Either way, I've decided to move on for now. Perhaps in a few weeks or months I can be her friend and we can develop some trust b/w us. I know though that I feel strong enough about her that I'll likely want to be with her if I spend much time around her, most likely. It's not just how I FEEL but also what I think about her, so after the emotions are nearly gone I've still got to deal with the fact that I like her as a person --- which is why I want to be her friend in the first place. I guess I'd like to know/believe that we can be friends and perhaps develop a relationship in the future, but I don't want to hang on to that to hard. I really don't see her dating anyone else though --- esp after she told me that she had absolutely no problem with me. That would make her a liar.

[joypulv]

You sound like you understand pretty well and could be a good person for her, and I hope she appreciates it, even if it takes a while.